My mother is so use to me taking care of everything for her that she expects it. She will say sarcastically, "Oh it is good that you are so good at doing that." She has a habit of berating me to her friends and family all my life.
It is not as if she is grateful to have someone looking out for her or making her appts., paying her bills, ordering her supplies, taking care of a multitude of details, she expects it. There is not a shred of appreciation. She was diagnosed most of my life with depression and bipolar disorder and when I share more about her with others, they will say, it sounds like she is also narcissistic. If I ever try to share my feelings, she says "go home" and does not want to discuss it. I am 67 years old and I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude. It has scarred me.Thanks for your help and support.
I think you have to be courageous to seek therapy. I have worked with several throughout my life. This particular session felt like I had open heart surgery and they forgot to close up the patient. Still, I have often felt that way after a session as it exposes you raw to so many emotions and then they dismiss you until next week. I think it is a bit reckless and dangerous to leave us in that state. I have only had a couple of therapists where I enjoyed the session so much that we laughed so hard, it ached. I recall when I was living in NYC and after reading Bernie Siegel's book on "Love, Medicine, and Miracles," I reached out to the author for a recommendation. I phoned his secretary, Hilda and pleaded with her to connect me with a therapist that practiced a holistic technique utilizing the mind, body, and spirit connection to healing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TwAHC4q2K4
She did. I went. Felicia said she had to initially interview me to determine if we could work together. Later, after months of therapy and lots of giggles, I moved to the west coast. At our last session, I asked Felicia why she agreed to work with me. She said, "many people seek counseling but few are ready to change." She said, "when you came to see me, you were screaming." I knew she did not mean literally. Well, whether I did or not, this story always makes me smile. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for being there. Be kind to yourselves. Hugs.
I am hoping that doesn't mean this therapist is leaning on you as being the problem... They shouldn't be "judgmental", but it does happen. You aren't the source of the problem.
If not, then fingers crossed, maybe something good will come of it.
You need to understand that you will not change her attitude or outlook. She doesn't think about how any of what she says and does affects you. Some people can't empathize or understand other people's feelings.
"I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude."
This is very understandable. The only way to alleviate the hurt and pain from her behavior is to walk away from it when she starts and stand up to her. Refuse to accept what she says (and what family and friends relate/think) as truth. You know what you do and what you sacrifice for her, so anything others think or say is not important.
You say you make appts, pay bills, order supplies. Those can likely be done without interfacing with her and that's how it should be done. Don't expect any gratitude or appreciation, as she clearly isn't capable of it, at least not if you jump when she says jump. More than likely, even if you stand your ground she won't ever change, so it is best to not expect anything positive and just do what *must* be done and let everything else go!
Keep visits to a bare minimum, only being there when you must. You don't indicate her age or condition, so presumably she can "manage" on her own? If she requires some hands-on care, how often? Keep that to a minimum. If she is critical of any hands-on care, tell her she's right, you can't do it so she should hire someone who will do it right and leave.
If/when she becomes caustic or tells you to go home, go. Don't take calls or go back until there is something that *must* be done, not must in her mind, but absolute necessity. If she criticizes anything you do, have a list of people and /or companies handy to give to her and tell her she can hire the help she needs and leave.
It won't be easy, given a lifetime of this behavior, but be strong, be resolute and refuse to jump and refuse to accept her beratements. For those she "relates" these awful things to, set them straight and ask them NOT to relay this information. Getting it from mom is bad enough, you don't need to hear it again. You could tell them you do X, Y, Z for mom and she doesn't appreciate it. Ask if they think they can do better, and if so, tell them to have at it!! If they don't get it, don't take calls from them.
"If I ever try to share my feelings, she says "go home" and does not want to discuss it." There's no point in trying to share your feelings with her. She clearly doesn't care about how you feel! Hopefully you have or can find someone you can relate with and share your feelings with. If not, perhaps try counseling? Do NOT share anything about yourself with your mother - she isn't interested and only thinks about herself. It is bad enough to be the target of her negativity, there's no point in giving her a bulls-eye to aim for!
Remember - helping her CAN mean finding those who can do the things she needs done. It does not mean YOU have to tackle these "duties". Have a sit down and consider what you are willing to do and what someone else can do for her. Make a list, and stick to it! If anything on the list that you continue to do is criticized, find an alternative and cross that off the list!
As Daughterof1930 said "Just because she has an expectation of something doesn’t automatically mean you must meet that expectation."
The rest of her comment is applicable too. Determine what you will continue to do and use the time freed up to pursue your own interests and activities that make you happy and bring some sense of accomplishment! Certainly don't feel guilty for anything you choose to discontinue doing.
As in most things, it's all about setting the proper expectations. I don't expect it so I'm not hurt if I don't get it. I'm just grateful whenever they don't make things too difficult.
That's the thing. Caregiving is all about the person being cared for. It's not about the caregiver. Not everyone is equipped for a situation like that. Caregiving is not for everyone.
As it happens, our children do thank us surprisingly often for the love and care we gave them, which is immensely touching and reassuring.
I really don't mean to make light of the situation, step back think about what you're saying about your Mother for a few minutes.....
OK, now think about your teenage years....
Everything comes full circle 🤔🥴.
My moment of 'BACK AT CHA MOM', was my turn to tell her that if she didn't co-operate with the EMTs, I was going to get the safety strap and SPANK HER!! The EMTs said that was a first for them. Husband said that's nothing if it comes down to it because I was going to get her on the guerney.
Eeverything you're hearing and experiencing I'm sure you said about her to friends and out of ear shot.
We, as parents, will never forget what our daughter said about us not knowing we were standing around the corner, we still laugh about.
Our daughter has ALWAYS had an issue about getting her butt in gear if we were going somewhere. Didn't matter where we were going.
Husband had it, told her to get downstairs and in the car or we were leaving without her (she was in College!). He went to the back door, opened it and closed it so she could hear it.
She comes stomping downstairs, we were just around the corner in the kitchen. She called out for us of course, then we heard "Son of a b*tch! What a**holes damn it"! That's when we came around to face her and asked her to repeat what she said. Last time we heard anything like that 'IN FRONT OF US'.
How many times growing up did you 'wish' she were dead? How would she 'feel' if you committed suicide? Would it have been better if you 'were never born'?
No matter what anybody 'THINKS' we have ALL had these thoughts or said terrible language toward our parents. Some, like 2 of my siblings, go further to truly hurt parents. Getting pregnant and starting drugs were the thing in the late 60s early 70s for us.
You really should think about a therapist to help or you're going to mentally hurt herself. You love your Mother, but you need someone to HEAR you and HELP you as to the different ways to cope.
Yes, I have been seeing a therapist being the middle child (yes people, the middle child syndrome existes), now I am dealing with our Mom without any help from my siblings.
I'm doing everything possible to care for our Mom. I promised her when I was like 10 yrs old. I don't mind taking care of her (yes, I live out of State) and everything I can. I have a support line back home, Mom's 2 brothers she truly raised, to help me since I'm not there.
A therapist can also help you with contacts to call and evaluate Mom etc.
Breathe. Find your happy place in your mind and breathe. Yoga really helps the mind, truly. It will help with blood pressure too. I don't allow my blood pressure to be taken at the doctor's until I have Zenned first, then I let them.
You’re smart. You realize that she won’t change. I wasn’t as smart. I was really dumb in thinking that I could persuade my mom of things. It took me so long to figure out that I was beating a dead horse.
I wasted so many years that I can never get back. Oh, the blame should not all go to my mom. I didn’t listen when people wisely told me to take a break.
But mom did not pay for a caregiver to help. I should have paid for a few hours myself but I didn’t have a lot of extra money. My daughter is in college. I had to stop working to care for mom.
I was expected to do it all. By the time I knew about Council on Aging for 8 hours a month respite care I was already burning out.
You don’t have to be a martyr. Learn from us who tried it and it backfired big time!
2. Never tolerate or reward bad behavior. If they behave badly, tell them it was nice visiting, their behavior is unacceptable, and you are leaving now. Leave promptly.
3. If they feel your time is worth nothing, confirm that they are right, only when you feel like doing nothing. And that right now, you feel like doing nothing, for them, or for yourself.
My father is narcissistic. Passive Aggressive. When I reached burnout point after 7 years, I decided that my health was more important that Dad's. Dad's life is coming to an end. You can't fix a sinking ship, it becomes self preservation, so you have to let the Captain go down with his sinking ship. Taking care of him was shortening my life, with zero compensation, while I was already retired. 2 siblings that did nothing to help. Nothing!
I reached a point that it became clear that I needed to take more care of me, of #1. My father was rarely "there" for me the whole time I was growing up. He's always been cheap, a product of growing up during the depression.
Everyone that has ever worked for him has quit, due to his unrealistic expectations. I am now no different. He now pays to be taken care of. He hates it, I warned him of the consequences of thinking my time was worth nothing, that no one works for free. Being all knowing, he thought he knew otherwise. He was wrong. He'll never admit it.
Do whatever you need to do to have peace in your life. She has lived her life and you have done more than your share. She will have to adjust to boundaries that you set. If she refuses to accept boundaries and show respect to you, others can care for her. If you decide a facility is the best. Plan for this and have ZERO guilt because you aren’t doing anything wrong.
Best wishes to you and I hope you find all the peace and happiness that you deserve.
I can sympathise with you totally, i had the same experience. For your own sanity just do what you think is right but take care of your own wellbeing also.
if you ever want to talk i will keep in contact with you.
when she says go home, then go home once you know she is safe, fed and watered and takes her meds. That is all you can do!
sue x
Maybe I shouldn't ask this here, but I noticed your British spelling of mum, so just wondered if you are British :)
Anyway, your post registered with me on several points. My brother is also the golden child in our family (just the two of us). I was over at mum's from Thursday night til Saturday. I went over to give her some potatoes. She had called earlier in the day on the Thursday to say she was almost out of food I was going shopping with my friend and offered to pick up what she needed and that was what she told me. I had also been there last month and she uses paper towel to cover the bottom of the kitchen window at night because the blind broke months (maybe years) ago and hasn't been replaced so I took a pair of curtains that I no longer use over as well. I doubt they will ever get put up as she never uses anything I give her even when she's ecstatic about getting anything. Why my brother, who lives with her can't put drapes or a towel rack (that I gave her several years ago for Christmas) up I will never know. He's never held a job, I don't even know if he got his grade 12.he has had MS since he was about 40) He's great at authority but not responsibility. I'm the one that feels responsible, as the oldest, but I don't have the authority to do much because mum always defers to him. He's good at telling her what food is downstairs (in fact, he brought up a bag of potatoes around the time I arrived.) But he only lets her have whatever it is when he decides she needs them. There is so much I want to say about this last visit, but here's the crux: I offered to take her and drop her off at the grocers and then take the cab home (I can't drive--now she wishes I could, or had a boyfriend that could.) well she hemmed and hawed about it until it was too late. We ended up sending out for chicken and I stayed another night. Saturday, my brother finally decided to go to the store. He freaked out because he couldn't find the shopping bags. Swearing and yelling at me and mum. Anyway, after he left mum said he was upset because he couldn't sit in the living room when I was there. And tried to convince me that he and I have never gotten along (we do now). But I have never said I didn't want him in the living room and that that was his problem, not mine and I have often talked to mum on the phone and she's said she's alone so I've asked if Mike was out and she's told me he's in his room. She won't knock the door and ask him to come out and be with her. That's been the problem, our family was just four people sharing the house.
I try to help mum now but my brother steps in and undermines everything I do. The last few days has seemed like roller-coaster. I want to get off but except for changing my phone number and/ or moving far away I don't know how. I've tried not calling her and turning the phone off but I can always expect a call or one more missed call (it's always her) except perhaps on the weekend, but that isn't true all the time anymore. I'm 63 and not trained to deal with this!!!!!!!
If you think about it, the people who decide to tell you something negative that someone said about you are being as mean as your mom. Birds of a feather pretty much sums that up and I don't think you need any additional birds in your aviary right now. Figure out what you will say so you are prepared for the next call.
You're already aware of her past diagnosis - both explain her current behavior. Does she take meds for these problems? You might need to ask the doctor, via phone call or email, prior to next visit so he can talk around this area. Maybe meds can be adjusted.
When she tells you to go home, do you go? Or do you fall into the common trap of apologizing for what you said and you remain with her. Next time, go home when she tells you to. Trust me, she really doesn't want you to go home because that leaves her with no one to be negative with.
Perhaps talk with a counselor to help you find better replies to things she says. Someone told me about using the statement 'That may be, however....' when someone tosses out a totally different subject when they don't want to address the problem at hand. It acknowledges that they tossed the comment out there, but reels you right back into the current issue.
You reminded me of a “Go home” story with my kid. When my oldest daughter was young she was friends with the child next door. This kid was a couple of years older. She was four, an adorable blonde with curls and blue eyes. I swear she looked angelic!
My daughter was two and just as cute! The neighbor kid would go for the jugular and loved seeing my kid cry when she told her to go home.
I tried speaking to the child’s mom but she wasn’t one that wanted to hear about her child’s behavior and acted like her daughter was a little angel and my kid was overly sensitive.
They were kids that wanted to play but had lessons to learn. I wanted to give them a chance to work it out.
So, I had a little chat with my daughter. I explained that her friend next door got a kick out of seeing her cry when she told her to go home after five minutes of playing.
So I told my daughter to invite the child to our house and when she tried to bully her that she had my permission to tell her to go home. She did! Sure enough, the kid tried to bully my kid and my daughter knowing that she had my permission said in an angry voice, “Go home!”
The kid freaked out and ran to me crying and said that my daughter just told her to go home. I looked at the kid and said, “You heard her. She asked you to leave so leave, so go home. When you learn not to tell her to go home, you can play again.”
The next day she asked if my daughter could play over. She never went for the jugular again! She never told my kid to go home again and my kid did not come home crying because she only got to play for five minutes. They ended up being great friends!
Oh, her mom, she ended up telling me that she was embarrassed to have a bratty kid and did not no how to handle it. She said that she was so glad that my daughter told her daughter to go home and that she was the one crying that day because that was the only thing that stopped her bullying.
The neighbor child was the kind of kid that always had to have her way. She did not know how to take turns when playing a game. If my daughter tried to take a turn she would order her to go home. Her mom tried to tell her to be nice but she wouldn’t listen.
Kids are trying to find their place in this world and it takes time for them to learn. Parents have to learn too. We can read a million books but parenting is a challenge.
My second daughter was strong willed like the neighbor kid who is a very smart 33 year old woman in the business world today!
They are a challenge. Some of their strong willed qualities take them far in life but they drive us crazy as kids! Hahaha
As for me, I wake in the morning resenting Mother. I go through the day trying to understanding the tapestry of her life. At night I fall asleep sad knowing that she is too old to change and scared that my feelings will transform me into her when I am where she is now.
Mostly, I have resolved that she will never just give her love to me as she is incapable. So, I try as best I can to tell myself this is a job. I just take care of business. It's not easy to detach emotionally like that, but I have come to realize it's a way to shut down her covert narcissistic behavior. 😐
We do not OWE our assistance to anyone not appreciative - we do not OWE for the privilege of being born.
That said, one reason your mother may talk down about you to her friends is due to being embarrassed that she is needing so much help and doesn't want her friends to know. However, this does NOT excuse her being toxic to you when you're alone with her.
In your place, I would tell her that since she isn't happy with me, she can hire someone to do all the chores you've been doing for free. You deserve to be happy too.
I can count on one finger the times I have heard thank you or please from my father.
He like most others with dementia cannot feel much except anger when you try to explain things to them.
Keep doing the best you can. Watch some Teepa Snow videos on dealing with dementia.
Hugs and prayers lovr
Im not certain why you would think she'd change at this stage. She won't and you know this.
If you want to do the right thing and keep on taking care of her, then suck it up and know it's never going to change.
Sorry, but you've really enabled it too long at this stage.
I disagree that bpearl has to do the "right thing." Just because you sacrificed yourself and your health to your mother, doesn't mean that everyone else has to (or that it is the "right thing" to do). bpearl has been emotionally scarred by her mother, and in my mind the "right thing" is for her to step back from her toxic mother.
this book is a start by psychologist Dr. PAUL Chafetz called Loving Hard-To-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents. It’s a thin handbook and worth buying on amazon. It will help you understand her behavior and how to deal with it. He also does Skype sessions.