What to do when mom has her pity parties, which is all the time?

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What to do when mom has her pity parties, which is all the time?

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She is the most negative person I have ever known. It's like a dark cloud. Mom likes to make stupid comments, to me, indicating she wish she would go to sleep and never wake up. She has nerve pain which I understand because I also suffer from nerve pain but I don't have pity parties. I ask her why don't you make these stupid comments around your other children if and when they decide to come by. I told her I'm breaking my back trying to keep her well and satisfied and I have to listen to this s??t! I've had it, can't take it anymore.

Burnout

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I can relate to your problem 100%. My mother is in good health for her age and should feel blessed that she doesn't have anything seriously wrong with her, but that doesn't stop her from whining and complaining. She reads medical books to look for something wrong with her. She says cruel and hurtful things to me, but not my brother, who comes once a week for a few hours to visit. I live with her and take care of her, but she is able to do for herself, but is just down right lazy. She wants to be waited on hand and foot. I do for her, what has to be done, but I stay away from her as much as possible to avoid her negativity and smart remarks. I have started doing less for her to make her do some things on her own and it is working. I don't talk back to her, but walk away when she starts with her mouth. I pray a lot for the patience and strength to deal with her and that is helping. I just had to stop babying her and let her become more independent. Her doctor wanted her to go to a shrink, but she refuses, saying she is fine. But mentally she is not. She refuses home health or any form of help from anyone but me. It feels like sometimes it is a losing battle, but I continue to do it. Just know that this too will pass and my thoughts and prayers go out to you. You are not alone as I found out when joining this site. I was amazed at how many people struggle with the same problems as I do. Caregiver burnout.

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Something that helped me with my Debbie Downer mother was a change in my own thinking. I had gotten locked into the thinking that all of the things that were going on were tragic. When I started to realize that things were not tragedies, but all parts of life, I could remove a lot of the drama from my own mind. I also began to talk to my mother like she was a normal person, instead of one teetering on a cliff. My mother has responded well to the changes in me, because I am not as stressed.

Many times our elders say things they don't mean. They are just venting and we are the unlucky recipients of the steam. It doesn't have to be bad. For example, if Mother says she is unhappy and just wants to die, say guess you'll have to make yourself happier then. When my mother is very sad, I secretly call my brothers so they will surprise her with a call. It makes her happy. A few minutes on the phone with them works magic, I guess because it lets her know they care.

Sometimes lighthearted responses defuse negativity. Usually every negative statement has a positive counterpart that can be used.If your mother says she wishes she would go to sleep and never wake up, remind her that it would make her miss her morning coffee (or whatever she likes). There are a lot of pleasures left in life, but many times older people get caught up in the negatives and lose sight of the pluses.

One of my favorite things now is to come up with some way to respond to things that come up here frequently. My mother has some dementia, so I only have to come up with a solution once. I can use it again and again, because she won't remember usually. Good responses are ones that acknowledge what she is saying and making her feel better without making myself feel worse.

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If she is a religious women, tell her God has a plan and he's not ready for her yet..Or I just listen and hmmm my Mom when she starts her complaining.. She's got nothing but time to sit around and think about herself... I'd love to tell you it's going to get better but that hasn't happened around here...You need to walk away when this is happening, take some time alone...If you can get out of the house...

Or if you just feel like complaining, "Bring it On" we're listening... lol

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I went through a similar situation with my Mom and then my Dad. If your siblings are like mine, don't bother trying to explain how she acts around you. Since they aren't having the same experience, they will think you are just complaining and it is somehow your fault. Come here and vent as often as needed. A lot of people here are going through the same things or have gone through it before.

I believe our parents choose one child to vent their fears and complaints to, usually it's the one that they can count on, the one who will be there for them and not abandon them. They are re-examining their lives and may feel bitter because they didn't get to do the things they wanted to do or have some other unfinished business. They may be bitter because their pain or declining health is preventing them from living the way they want to live.

If you can find something she is interested in, maybe you could print articles from the internet, get books from the library or get out old photo albums to look at. Maybe ask about some of the good times she had in her life. You may be able to bring these things up as a way to change the subject when she starts on a complaining binge.

I wish you patience and courage, it's not an easy road.

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I understand how frustrated you feel with your mother. My husband is like that sometimes. Walking away from the Debby Downer act is better than kicking him.

As a depressed person, though, I also understand how your mother feels. NOT meanness, and not expecting you to make it better. But I understand feeling unhappy and unable to make things better, even when I can see that my life is really pretty darn good! That's called depression. Logic doesn't make it go away.

What worked for me and what worked with an old lady I cared for was to acknowledge that her life sucks. Go to the pity party, take a chair, accept a cup of tea and listen and agree. Ask her why she is so unhappy, as if it's all new information to you. Don't offer solutions or explanations. Offer sympathy and wishes. "It's sad that you can't get around like you used to. Wouldn't it be nice if you could be 40 again?" "Yes, you want to be free of pain. I hope they invent better drugs soon." "I miss Dad too. I wish they had telephone service to heaven. What would you say to him if you could?"

If your mother is like me - IF - then what she wants is for you to hear and understand how unhappy she is, and to care, and to comfort her, and, yes, to pity her a little. When I get a nice little serving of pity and love, then I take a deep breath, and start to look on the bright side myself. I can see something that would cheer me up, and ask for a nice small act of kindness, and appreciate it.

Sometimes I can do that with my husband, and sometimes I can't. When I can, his mood lifts and we are both happier.

Also, I recommend antidepressants for BOTH of you. It's really hard to be in this situation that IS going to last a while, but drugs and a different approach can help you get through it.

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I understand your frustration and the first word that comes to mind is BOUNDARIES. I have flat out told my mom that I can help care for her, make sure she is safe but I CANNOT make her happy...I remind her that "someone" (HER!) taught me that happiness comes from inside and we cannot depend on others to make us happy. I will change the subject when she starts the pity party and her caregivers also redirect her. If she keeps on like a broken record, I make up an excuse to leave. The caregivers tell her that she seems down and maybe needs a nap or some alone time, so they will leave early...that usually makes her snap to it and change her tune because she doesnt want them to leave. She is on anti-depressants but I think they help minimally, as she is determined to find something to mourn about. I now limit my time with mom because it helps me keep perspective. Too much time with her is a downer and I start getting a bad attitude. Life is too short to get caught up in their bitterness or regrets...they have lived their lives and though we can help them as much as we can with healthy boundaries, it is NOT up to us to make them happy. Happiness is a choice....period.

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@Lakeparklady - I, too, can relate to some degree with original poster and responded like you did when I was living with my Mom and caring for her 24/7. If I may say so, my Mom was agnostic her whole life and although gregarious and funny, she also had a very toxic side to her. As her dementia was setting in, her mean comments were said regularly, and I had to pray for grace to NOT react but walk away (and cry and pray). Eventually, I had to contact all my siblings to let them know that I was done and Mom needed more care (she was falling and now in a wheelchair at that point). All that to be said, I was responsible for my actions, regardless of how she treated me - which is true for all of us. If we are unable to handle the negativity, we need to make decisions for our own health and well-being.

Many months later, I prayed with my Mom for her salvation (as a Christian) and she TOTALLY changed and has NEVER been the same since. Constantly smiling and saying the sweetest things ever.

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My "Gran" does this too. She will scream "I just want to DIE" and "no one cares about me!" and on and on. And I used to jump through hoops to do everything she wanted so she would be happy. And I lost myself in the meantime. So now, I try to talk in a monotone with her most of the time, because she is very emotional and has big ups and downs. If I keep my voice even and movements methodical, it helps her. When she has 'her fits', sometimes I just say "I'm sorry you feel that way because I don't want you to die". Or if I feel myself getting frustrated, I say "I need a drink of water, or I need to go to the bathroom (anything to get away from her)" and I leave the room. of course, sometimes she screams at me from her room for a while, but at least I can breathe and try to keep my sanity. I think that she starts her fits when she is frustrated or can't understand something and it is like a temper tantrum with a child. So one time when she thought the phone was bugged and broken and everything else under the sun......................and she was being very rude to me while I was explaining to her that all 'those numbers' are how you dial the phone to talk to people!........................ I said "I know this phone is so frustrating, I think there is something wrong with it. Something doesn't make sense and I can't figure it out. I'm gonna call the phone people and see if something can be fixed. She said "I'm gonna throw it away!" I said "yea, you might have to..........but I'll let you know what the phone people say after I talk to them. they are closed right now, so I'll call them first thing in the morning. Ineveitably, after waiting for a while, she either forgets she hated 'whatever'(the phone..etc), or at a different time, she will understand exactly what is going on and I just act like I'm giving her brand new information and she is happy. It's frustrating, but at times I would have to just say "you're right, i guess you need to get rid of it." and it shocks her that I agree with her. She either changes her mind and is happy or just stops griping because I agree with her!

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one other thing I have noticed, like stated above, the positive statement given to her after her complaining, really helps, but I try to say things and make her laugh. Like if you said "you would miss your morning coffee if you didn't wake up!" I would be able to add to it and say "well, you might not miss it though, because sometimes when I bring your coffee, it is cold!! :) (big smile and giggle) and I do this a LOT. I never realized that it helped Gran, but she tends to tell everyone now, that "I couldn't do without Kristi!! we just laugh and laugh all the time! Laughing is good!" so it does help her to steer her to the 'lighter' side of any situation.

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Awesome, I know what you're going through. I go through elder bullying a lot. In fact, I am going through it today with my mother coming in my room every few minutes. It is awful and makes me just want to leave and never come back. I don't know why they do it. They forget that the caregiver is human, so not worthy of consideration. They also worry that their cares will not be tended to. So they bully the caregiver

When you live with the person, it is much harder. You can't avoid them if they can walk into your room whenever they want. However, you can leave and get your wits about you again when she is pushing you toward the edge.

What your mother did sounds like something mine would do. I think I would have circumvented my mother and talked with the step brother about resealing elsewhere. (I'm not sure what that is. :)

What to do when mom has her pity parties, which is all the time?

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