What to tell my mom about her sister?

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What to tell my mom about her sister?

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My mom (95) and her sister (my aunt; 93) have always been very close, but both have dementia now and live far from each other. My aunt had a stroke over the weekend and is now on hospice; she isn't speaking but evidently has been holding on to a picture of my mom. Should I tell my mom about my aunt's stroke and poor health? Or should I wait until my aunt passes to break the bad news? My mom is still fairly lucid. It's heartbreaking-- they've been best friends their whole lives.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Grief Relationships Stroke

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What a sad and challenging situation. In better times, if there had been a possibility of taking your Mum to see your Aunt, I would say go for it, but with Corona Virus, that is not an option.

Did they speak regularly? If yes, then Mum may be missing her calls and you may have to give her an explanation.

If it were my Mum and her sister, and they both had dementia, I would wait. I would not necessarily mention her death, until such time that we can once again hold funerals. A funeral is final, and helps to give closure.

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Hi Tothill - thank you for your reply. Yes, I was thinking we would just wait, but my brother thinks we need to prepare my mom a bit and give her a chance to say goodbye. Unfortunately, as you noted, coronavirus has made it difficult for us and my cousins to visit our moms and help with technology like Facetime. Mom and my aunt don't speak regularly any more (they're both quite deaf, and my aunt won't wear hearing aids) but we might try to get them on the phone together one more time.

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I would try to get a facetime call between them so they can say goodbye.

If your mom is lucid she should be told, that way it isn't so sudden and she can prepare her heart a bit for the loss.

I am so sorry that your family is facing this challenge. May God grant your aunt a peaceful passing and all of you grieving mercies and comfort during this time.

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Thanks for your answer -- I think Facetime might be a bit beyond what we can manage (on both ends) but we'll try to do a phone call tomorrow. Not sure how well it will go, but worth a try. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

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I got the message a few years ago that my mother's best friend passed. She moved to be with family. I was really upset and hesitated to give the news. When I finally told my mother about her friend I broke down crying and she was ok to my surprise. She accepted that her friend planned her end of life.

This is a sad time but your mother and her sister have had full lives. Both in their 90s and best friends and sisters is a miracle.

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Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is amazing -- both in their 90s and, until very recently, both in excellent health. My mom was still driving and living independently a year ago! But both have taken serious turns for the worse this year, almost in parallel. Sad of course, but as you say, they've had full, mostly happy lives.

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I'm so sorry to hear this; such a sad time for you and your family.

I would tell my mom about her sister now even though they've both got dementia, and even though either/both may forget later. My belief is our loved ones can still hear us, so I'd do my best to arrange with hospice workers for your aunt to use a telephone to at least hear your mom speak to her to say a few comforting words .. she loves her and any sweet, comforting things. Tell mom her sister can't speak, but she should be able to hear her. It may comfort both of them.

Mom may need help with the phone on her end, too, like reminding her that her sister can't speak but can hear her, say nice things for her sister to hear.

Sending prayers your family's way.

lil

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Thank you for your reply.. We were going to try this today, but my aunt was sleeping while my cousin was there with her. I told my mom that her sister wasn't doing well; I asked her if there was anything she wanted my cousin to write on a white board for her to see when she woke. Talking might be hard at this point -- they're both pretty deaf -- but we're doing what we can.

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I would wait. Otherwise she and you are going to go through this multiple times. Since her sister is in such bad condition, it does not seem like the call would be a positive thing for either of them.

When she passes, then tell your mom.

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Thanks so much for your reply. I too would have been happy just to wait, but my brother thinks it's better to give my mom a chance to prepare and say goodbye. Hard either way, really. I told Mom today that her sister wasn't doing well, but didn't give specifics.

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Your brother is right in my opinion. I would never have dreamed of not telling my mom at 96. When her sister at 93 was moved to hospice, my uncle 94, called to tell my mother and they talked several times. They were always close. No one had dementia so it was different perhaps than your situation.
My mother didn’t go to her sisters funeral. She really wasn’t physically able to go and it was a long trip. I know she missed her. 90 years is a long time to be friends. 90 years is a long time for anything. Not many of us travel through life with anyone that many years. I think it’s beautiful your aunt wants your mom’s photo. There was a segment on the news recently about an old guy in s NH who was given a pillow with his late wife’s image. He had been sleeping with her framed photo.
Your mom will be sad but the beauty of dementia is that it does seem to take a bit of the edge off of the realities of life.
My mom outlived all her siblings but a much younger brother. She outlived my dad and two sons and a grandchild. That’s a lot of grieving. In their 90s they know about death. Their hearts have been there before.

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"a pillow with his late wife’s image"--what a FABULOUS IDEA!! (Heck, I might even consider getting one made of my girlfriend who lives 3 states away...)

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This totally depends on your mom, her capacity to understand and how she will react.
IF she is aware and can comprehend and retain what is going on then tell her.
IF she can not comprehend the situation then just tell her that her sister is ill. I probably would not go into much more detail.
If it will stress her out and fill her with anxiety I probably would not give her the information no matter how much she can retain. There is no reason to put her though something like that.
When her sister dies to tell her or not will again depend on what she can comprehend and retain.
And I use "retain" to mean she will keep this information for a while and not ask daily. If she looses that retention then do not continue to giver her devastating information.

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As Grandma1954 says, it does depend a lot on how well mom can retain the information. By the time our mother was moved to MC, everyone in the family of her generation except my dad's younger brother had passed. She knew about them all. However, 9 months after moving her to MC, she asked me if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Quick thinking, looked at my watch, said it's a little late and not on my way home, maybe tomorrow. Her reply was Okay.

While it is best to be truthful WHEN they can understand and retain this information, as painful as it might be, it would be my choice. However, when they can't retain the information (my mother can't), it is cruel to keep subjecting her to painful news over and over again.

Her mother passed over 40 years ago. A few months ago (she's now into year 4 at MC), she asked me if I have seen/heard from her younger sister recently. I could only say no. She went on to say she's probably tied up with "that baby". That baby would be my cousin's second child, both of whom have a form of MD, this one being the worst. Not only has her sister passed on, but so has my cousin (it was determined later in her life that she also had a form of this, passed down from her dad.) That "baby" was born sometime between my two kids, so she would be in her early 40s by now!

I do NOT provide any information to my mother, as she cannot retain it, and will ask over and over, sometimes in the same visit. This would hurt her each and every time, and she would think no one told her! My responses keep the information vague - assure her they are "okay", etc. My cousin's passing was more recent and before mom regressed too much, so I told her and she got angry wanting to know why no one told her! But I just did tell you....

Attempts to get them "connected", even if just by phone, would probably be good, at least to try. Mom can be told only that her sister has some health issues and perhaps let her know that right now sister cannot talk, but can hear (minimally, but mom might know that still.) Provide only the information that you think mom can handle.

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I'm sorry to hear about this sad situation. Have you and your cousins consulted the social workers at the respective facilities? They may have some ideas on the best way to handle this situation that you haven't thought of.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle this. Whatever decision you all come to will be okay. The story of their sisterly love is very heartwarming.

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My cousin called when my mom’s brother was going to die. The hospice nurse knew he was getting close.

My cousin asked me if mom wanted to say goodbye over the phone. He lived several states away but spoke on the phone every week. They were close growing up and they did make trips to see each other when they were younger.

She was 93. He was 96. So, I asked mom if she wanted to say goodbye. She did. My uncle smiled and he died shortly afterwards. Mom was glad that she had the chance to say that she loved him one last time. I was glad that my cousin gave them the opportunity to say goodbye.

Neither had dementia so it’s different than your situation. I think you have to follow your heart.

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I am sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with other posters here that if your mom is still lucid, let her know.

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I would deffiently tell your mom that her sister isn't feeling well and isn't able to talk right now but is missing her and would like for her to give her a call and just talk to her.
Even tho your mom's sister is no longer talking, she can still hear and it would do wonders. Prayers

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Everybody handles this situation differently, but I would always shield my mother from bad news like this. It is too painful and in her state of mind I didn't know how she would react her or how she might deal with it..

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If Mom asks, Go light witrh her as to NOT upset her. If Auntie Dies, No Lies. tel her sh ei snow withthe angels and has gone Peacefully.....

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Tell her. As my mother's Alzheimer's worsened, she remembered no one, except her sister. She never forgot her sister. She called the nursing home where she'd visit her "school," but their bond was stronger than the disease. A one-sided phone call sounds like a great idea.

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My Mom had Lewy Boy Dementia, she lived with my husband and myself, and my Mom's twin also lived with us, my Mom and her twin were 87 and the only ones left out of 7. My Aunt, my Mom's twin passed away in July 2019, we never told my Mom, my Mom went downhill suddenly and passed Sept. 2019. Because of the LBD I don't really know what she was capable of understanding, but I do wonder if my Mom might've heard my husband and I talking about it and that caused her decline. I would say don't tell her, when my Mom asked for her twin I'd say something like she wasn't feeling good and her son is taking care of her and she'll come home when she feels better and that seemed to satisfy her.

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That's how I would handle it too! When they can't comprehend and/or retain the information, there is NO point to causing pain and grief over and over again!

My mother has asked about her own mother and her younger sister, both gone. Her mother has been gone over 40 years. I don't recall how long ago her sister passed (all in the family of mom's generation are gone already, last one was my dad's younger brother, 2 years ago), but the reference she made about her sister allowed me to figure out that she was also "living" 40 years ago!

I keep the responses as vague as possible. She won't remember if I tell her they are gone and it will cause her grief and anger over and over, so I just don't go there!

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Losingitinmo my mom lost her brother last November. He was 97 and in good health til the end. Mom 92 has dementia. My 21 year old son called me from college to give me this advice. Tell her once, take her to the funeral, and never mention it again. I have stuck by this. If she talks about him, I act as if he's still alive.
Since your aunt is holding a picture, she may be waiting for your mom to say goodbye . Why not video your mom with your phone, tell her to say hi and love you, see you soon. Send it to your cousin to play for your aunt. God bless, hope this helps.

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Since both have dementia, simply tell your mom that her sister is very sick. Suggest sending her a message - phone call with FaceTime, laptop Skype or Zoom meeting, or a video recording - to say hi, express love and concern, and say bye... as others have suggested. Talk with family where sister is about memorial arrangements to see if mom will be able to attend. If so, take her, let her mourn, and then move on. Just because folks have dementia or a stroke doesn't mean they stop caring.

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My Mom's sister-in-law was also her best friend. My aunt lived in another State so they hadn't seen each other in a couple of years. They also didn't talk on the phone very often as they both were aging and phone conversations were difficult. When my aunt passed away, I struggled with whether I should tell Mom since she has a very difficult time remembering things that happened recently. I don't think she would remember after the initial shock. If I told her I felt like it would be more for me - thinking it was the right thing to do - than for her. My brothers and I decided it was best not to tell her and let her keep her memories of my aunt being alive. So far it has been OK and Mom hasn't asked if I've heard from my aunt. But, I do stress about someone else mentioning it when they talk to her so that's something to consider as well.

Best to you and I'm very sorry to hear about your aunt.

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Tell her. She has a right to know.

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Whilst she might not remember, at least give her the chance to say or write any last words whilst her sister is alive.

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I would tell your mom when she is fairly lucid. Try to get a Facetime call through so the sisters can see one another for a final goodbye. Even a regular call so that your mom can tell her sister whatever she feels. Hearing is the last to go, so your aunt will hear her sister's voice.

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My Mother was 97 when she passed away. Her younger sister lived in another state. I knew my Mother was ready to go and didn't understand what was going on with her. Everyone had come to see her, but her sister was also in her middle 90's. It hit me that maybe she was hanging on to say goodbye to her sister. I told her on Sunday that her sister wasn't going to be able to make the trip to see her. She said...'Oh Really?' and my Mother passed away the next day. Sometimes without saying, they really are waiting for a special goodbye.

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I think I would talk to your mother and gently explain the situation. Give her as much information as you think she is able to handle. Once you tell her, give her updates on the situation. Answer any questions she has with honesty. I'm thinking handling the situation in this manner will allow her to begin the grieving process and her sister's death may not be as much of a shock. I'm so sorry for you both. Take care.

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Tell the truth and probably you will have to tell it again and again.

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Imho, you should tell your mother.

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I think I would tell her and as someone else mentioned arrange for a FaceTime call or some other video face to face so your mom can be there in some way. Your aunt may not be speaking but as long as your mom understands that and why, your mom seeing and speaking to her sister as close to the way should would be if she could be in the room (without the physical contact) could be as comforting for your aunt as your mom. I wouldn’t force it of course if your mom is not on board with visiting by video but having the option seems important to me.

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Dear Lymie61..From our family experience, a phone call would be wonderful..My daughter was away at school when Pops(aka, Gup😇) was bed bound, unresponsive..She called & I placed phone to his ear..His face lit up, raised his head a bit & smiled!..Never, would I have expected that type of response in his late stage of ALZ..❤️

God Bless you, Mom & Aunt🙏🏻 You’re a Blessing to them both!😇

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Since auntie is frail but aware enough to be holding onto a picture of your mom, I think that when your mom is having a lucid day you should:
1. Tell her that her sister is thinking of her with love. That is certainly the truth: she is demonstrating that by holding the photo.
2. Have your mom videoed — just a few second’s video is necessary — simply saying “I love you and miss you”. The video can then be emailed to your aunt’s family or caretakers who can show it repeatedly to your aunt, to help comfort her as she comes to the end of her life. Keep a video copy yourself of your own precious mom to watch and listen to in years to come. If your mom isn’t well enough to speak to the camera herself, perhaps you could stand or sit close to her, and you do the speaking for both of you “we love you and miss you”. You could ask a neighbor or friend to do the video on his or her tablet or mobile phone, if you don’t have ready access yourself.

This is a tough situation, but as others have said, apparently hearing is the last thing to go, so the video to watch repeatedly could provide great comfort to auntie, and if she responds well maybe her caretakers can video her smiling and waving in return for your dear mother?

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What to tell my mom about her sister?

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