My mom (95) and her sister (my aunt; 93) have always been very close, but both have dementia now and live far from each other. My aunt had a stroke over the weekend and is now on hospice; she isn't speaking but evidently has been holding on to a picture of my mom. Should I tell my mom about my aunt's stroke and poor health? Or should I wait until my aunt passes to break the bad news? My mom is still fairly lucid. It's heartbreaking-- they've been best friends their whole lives.
1. Tell her that her sister is thinking of her with love. That is certainly the truth: she is demonstrating that by holding the photo.
2. Have your mom videoed — just a few second’s video is necessary — simply saying “I love you and miss you”. The video can then be emailed to your aunt’s family or caretakers who can show it repeatedly to your aunt, to help comfort her as she comes to the end of her life. Keep a video copy yourself of your own precious mom to watch and listen to in years to come. If your mom isn’t well enough to speak to the camera herself, perhaps you could stand or sit close to her, and you do the speaking for both of you “we love you and miss you”. You could ask a neighbor or friend to do the video on his or her tablet or mobile phone, if you don’t have ready access yourself.
This is a tough situation, but as others have said, apparently hearing is the last thing to go, so the video to watch repeatedly could provide great comfort to auntie, and if she responds well maybe her caretakers can video her smiling and waving in return for your dear mother?
God Bless you, Mom & Aunt🙏🏻 You’re a Blessing to them both!😇
Best to you and I'm very sorry to hear about your aunt.
Since your aunt is holding a picture, she may be waiting for your mom to say goodbye . Why not video your mom with your phone, tell her to say hi and love you, see you soon. Send it to your cousin to play for your aunt. God bless, hope this helps.
My mother has asked about her own mother and her younger sister, both gone. Her mother has been gone over 40 years. I don't recall how long ago her sister passed (all in the family of mom's generation are gone already, last one was my dad's younger brother, 2 years ago), but the reference she made about her sister allowed me to figure out that she was also "living" 40 years ago!
I keep the responses as vague as possible. She won't remember if I tell her they are gone and it will cause her grief and anger over and over, so I just don't go there!
Even tho your mom's sister is no longer talking, she can still hear and it would do wonders. Prayers
My cousin asked me if mom wanted to say goodbye over the phone. He lived several states away but spoke on the phone every week. They were close growing up and they did make trips to see each other when they were younger.
She was 93. He was 96. So, I asked mom if she wanted to say goodbye. She did. My uncle smiled and he died shortly afterwards. Mom was glad that she had the chance to say that she loved him one last time. I was glad that my cousin gave them the opportunity to say goodbye.
Neither had dementia so it’s different than your situation. I think you have to follow your heart.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle this. Whatever decision you all come to will be okay. The story of their sisterly love is very heartwarming.
IF she is aware and can comprehend and retain what is going on then tell her.
IF she can not comprehend the situation then just tell her that her sister is ill. I probably would not go into much more detail.
If it will stress her out and fill her with anxiety I probably would not give her the information no matter how much she can retain. There is no reason to put her though something like that.
When her sister dies to tell her or not will again depend on what she can comprehend and retain.
And I use "retain" to mean she will keep this information for a while and not ask daily. If she looses that retention then do not continue to giver her devastating information.
While it is best to be truthful WHEN they can understand and retain this information, as painful as it might be, it would be my choice. However, when they can't retain the information (my mother can't), it is cruel to keep subjecting her to painful news over and over again.
Her mother passed over 40 years ago. A few months ago (she's now into year 4 at MC), she asked me if I have seen/heard from her younger sister recently. I could only say no. She went on to say she's probably tied up with "that baby". That baby would be my cousin's second child, both of whom have a form of MD, this one being the worst. Not only has her sister passed on, but so has my cousin (it was determined later in her life that she also had a form of this, passed down from her dad.) That "baby" was born sometime between my two kids, so she would be in her early 40s by now!
I do NOT provide any information to my mother, as she cannot retain it, and will ask over and over, sometimes in the same visit. This would hurt her each and every time, and she would think no one told her! My responses keep the information vague - assure her they are "okay", etc. My cousin's passing was more recent and before mom regressed too much, so I told her and she got angry wanting to know why no one told her! But I just did tell you....
Attempts to get them "connected", even if just by phone, would probably be good, at least to try. Mom can be told only that her sister has some health issues and perhaps let her know that right now sister cannot talk, but can hear (minimally, but mom might know that still.) Provide only the information that you think mom can handle.
My mother didn’t go to her sisters funeral. She really wasn’t physically able to go and it was a long trip. I know she missed her. 90 years is a long time to be friends. 90 years is a long time for anything. Not many of us travel through life with anyone that many years. I think it’s beautiful your aunt wants your mom’s photo. There was a segment on the news recently about an old guy in s NH who was given a pillow with his late wife’s image. He had been sleeping with her framed photo.
Your mom will be sad but the beauty of dementia is that it does seem to take a bit of the edge off of the realities of life.
My mom outlived all her siblings but a much younger brother. She outlived my dad and two sons and a grandchild. That’s a lot of grieving. In their 90s they know about death. Their hearts have been there before.
When she passes, then tell your mom.
I would tell my mom about her sister now even though they've both got dementia, and even though either/both may forget later. My belief is our loved ones can still hear us, so I'd do my best to arrange with hospice workers for your aunt to use a telephone to at least hear your mom speak to her to say a few comforting words .. she loves her and any sweet, comforting things. Tell mom her sister can't speak, but she should be able to hear her. It may comfort both of them.
Mom may need help with the phone on her end, too, like reminding her that her sister can't speak but can hear her, say nice things for her sister to hear.
Sending prayers your family's way.
lil
This is a sad time but your mother and her sister have had full lives. Both in their 90s and best friends and sisters is a miracle.
If your mom is lucid she should be told, that way it isn't so sudden and she can prepare her heart a bit for the loss.
I am so sorry that your family is facing this challenge. May God grant your aunt a peaceful passing and all of you grieving mercies and comfort during this time.
Did they speak regularly? If yes, then Mum may be missing her calls and you may have to give her an explanation.
If it were my Mum and her sister, and they both had dementia, I would wait. I would not necessarily mention her death, until such time that we can once again hold funerals. A funeral is final, and helps to give closure.