I have eight brothers and sisters. My mother is in a nursing home now and she insists that I help her do things that the nursing home aides and or nurses can help her do. Such as brushing her teeth and helping her to the bathroom doing her hair and laundry. She never asks any of my siblings to help her do these things but she thinks it is my job. I have been designated as the POA in my mothers living trust and have done the lions share of taking care of her and her needs these past 6 years as her health has steadily declined. I have PTSD from dealing with the nursing home staff and fighting them about her being overmedicated etc. My siblings never volunteer to take over some of the tasks but instead want to be asked to do these things. It feels like I am an only child and makes me angry and bitter. I don't want to feel this way! My mother has no quality of life now and complains every day about it. I wish every day for my mother to die in her sleep.
If you are visiting every day for hours, step back. Mom has come to rely on you too much. As long as you make yourself so available, she will continue to use you.
You cannot force your siblings to help. They will either outright refuse or ignore you. I would not plead with them or force them. I would save yourself the anger and anguish and write them off.
NO....say it again. NO....Look in the mirror and say it.
When you go visit if your mom needs help call an aid. That is what she/you are paying them for. And I can assure you that if/when you are there they will not respond quickly because they are used to you doing things for mom that they would normally do. And you can bet that mom probably tells them ..oh Jeanfastbrush will do that when she comes today. So you will have to retrain both groups to understand you are not going to do hands on care.
Another reason not to do so is IF something were to happen to you or mom it is possible that the facility would not cover any injury.
So lets try this again, and practice until you can say it easily ...NO, I can not help you to the bathroom. I will get an aid to help you.
NO, I can not help you shower. I will get an aid to help you.
NO, I can not do your laundry. (although if you want to do this take it home and return clean laundry later in the week) And you might even want to give one of the siblings the laundry duty.
You need make the decision to save yourself. Allow the NH to do their job. Decide on day or two a week and tell those who care for your Mother that you will no longer be spending as much time with her. If you're concerned, then just stop by on different days and then they won't be "ready" when they know you're coming. I know this is easier said than done, but believe me, if you don't set boundaries, it WILL affect your health. Someone on this forum once told me the same thing - and it has. You are crying out for help and you know what you need to do. Please Jean, your Mother has lived her life. You deserve to live yours too. 💙💙
I actually think it is better for you to be the central organizer for how and when your siblings help...at least they seem open to it! You are in the best position know exactly what your mom *really* needs (and its not brushing her teeth or doing her hair as the facility can do that). Think of what will benefit her the most and is easiest for the family to do. Send out a group email so that everyone gets the same communication from you at the same time and please sound grateful when asking for their help. They can't read your mind for what you need help with. Ask them if there's anything they'd be willing to do that's not on your list, like bring their kids over to do something fun with Gramma or take her out to lunch, etc. I'm an actual only child and I manage care for 4 seniors over 85. Two of them are out of state. The only way it gets done is with good communication and gratitude. I realize you are feeling burnt out and your mom's complaints are draining you. My mother has always been a complainer and I just don't listen to it. You don't have to listen to it or internalize it. You're not responsible for her happiness. Only for her care. Now go write up that list of what help you think your mom really needs!
I found that to keep my sanity I had to 'promote' myself: from hands-on carer duties to clerical - organising the care.
Took a while for the lightbulb to go on but the new job (ie boundaries) suits me much better. Plus the unexpected bonus that Mum & Sis (both disabled) are coping just fine.
I would step back like others have suggested and I wouldn't beat yourself up because no one else is stepping up or volunteering. Do what you can and leave the rest to the nursing staff.
It's hard but try to get on their good side at the AL/NH and get them in your pocket. It has to be a team effort but that doesn't necessarily mean related team members. It is sad but people often who you don't have history with are the best ones to turn to.
Be present but don't let this consume you.
Also, let mom know you have other things to do too. (even if you don't) just being home resting or watching tv or reading is something else to do. Or just BEING.
You have to set the boundries. She is in a NH all you need to do is visit. She has to allow the staff to do their jobs. She is now provided with her toiletries, depends and laundry services. If on Medicaid she gets a $50 allowance. POA does not mean caregiver. You are enabling her. Put the laundry in the facilities hands. Really, whatever soap they use takes out stains and smells mine couldn't. When u do that, plan a trip and go. Mom will be cared for.
Talk to the doctor that prescribes her meds. The staff is only following doctors orders. Always talk to the Director of Nursing if not getting anywhere with the charge nurse.
its hard to say no to your parents. It took me a long time before I learned to say no myself. But you’ve got to learn to say no and set boundaries. Your mother is in LTC, there’s no reason you should be wearing yourself out taking care of your mom.
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