Why does my mother ask me to do everything for her but does not ask my siblings?

Well, probably because you will do what she wants and they will not, or they feel free to decide not to. Please, please step back. Protect your own health. You cannot control others, but you can control your behavior.

She asks because she knows you will say yes. She is in a NH...you shouldn't be doing any of these things. That is their job. You should just be there visiting and being her daughter not her caregiver. For your own safety please stop.

Your mom ask you because your the one she trust of all her children. She knew she could count on you. Mama Hen knows her chicks!
i understand how you feel I’m the only one that takes care of my father. None of the 3 sisters help and one is a retired Nurse!
Couple of my friends have same problem and survived. You make it through too

As with all kinds of relationships between people in daily life, there are some that the person just feels more "comfortable with" and therefore will direct help needs or whatever to that person. This can be a blessing and a curse depending on the situation. First of all, I would tell our mother you simply are physically unable to do these things but you will get help from the staff for her - and then do it. Keep saying, no, no, no and getting help. Just be polite but very firm and do NOT give in. As to the siblings, this happens all too often. What is wrong with them that they have to be asked. They should do so willingly. You can ask them on her behalf but don't expect things to help - people are very selfish and mean when it comes to helping others especially if one person is foolish enough to have done things for so long. But do not give in - get the staff to help. If she keeps up pestering you, excuse yourself and leave immediately. YOU CANNOT ALLOW HER BEHAVIOR AND NEEDS TO DESTROY Y O U - YOU MUST PUT A STOP TO THAT AT ONCE.

My dad does the same thing. I call my brothers when it doesn't work for me and one of them follows through,usually. I have also relied on nieces, occasionally. As far as your mother being in a nursing home, she should be cared for. I understand my mother having been in 2 you need to be on top of the things. Although one NH was very good, there were things that were not done the way she nor I liked. This was guilt producing to some extent. Just having strangers care for your loved one is guilt and stress producing. There seems to me that you have a number of options. The first thing is to try to step back and see how your feelings may to influencing the situation: hopelessness of getting help from sibling, self-righteousness that you are giving more care. anger of not getting help from sibling, fear that something bad will happen . All these things we may not even realize we are feeling but are expressing to our siblings. Find someone who can help you find where is your role in your mother's life, some space where you can feel you are doing what you can and don't have to totally resolve everything about the unsatisfactory situation.

It usually does fall on one adult kid, but the SNF should be handling these thngs.

So sorry for your situation and prayers to you and your mom. Sometimes being the "one" stems from ourselves and our own personality. We tend to be control oriented. And no it's not always a "bad" thing. It does set up us as the go to person. I see this with my own family. I would not be able to function if I didn't know, see or hear with my own eyes and ears how my mom is feeling or being taken care of. Out of respect, fear or complacency others will develop a hands off approach. Afterall we have it taken care of. Also, being experienced in the care of elders, I was a long time home health/medication aide, my mom relies on me the most. Having a brother, who lived 800 or so miles away, meant the day to day caring for two parents, who no longer could drive was my sole responsibility. After two yrs I was totally wiped out. After what seemed like forever, both mom & her husband moved from their home into an independent living complex 10 min from my home. The moving process encompassed all the negative emotions one can imagine. Plus my brother & his wife moved to about an hour away adding their "opinion" on what I should be doing and helping in ways that made the whole process twice as difficult. I finally put my foot down and the move was accomplished. Unfortunately, my beloved step-father passed away after 2mos. During that short period he began to thrive again. Getting out, meeting new people and experiencing freedom again. After his death worry about mom increased. I was afraid of her becoming overly needy. Which did begin. I could not go through it again. I had to let her learn to live again. I had to decide when and where to draw the boundary lines. And stick to it. She handles her own grocery shopping, meals, activities and has a full social life. If I had allowed her fears to overwhelm her it wouldn't have been healthy for either of us. I still do all the doctor appts. My choice. My brother, now 2hrs away, comes every month and helps in many ways that I cannot. It helps them maintain their own bonds. When we allow ourselves to become the main caregiver we lose the relationship we have as parent/child. Sometimes they are the child and we have to be the parent! No is no! Set boundaries and discuss them as necessary. Mom's health is currently at a level plateau so all is peaceful. Not if but when the time comes I will ask and utilize all the help I can get. I love my mom enough to know that I can't do it all. Nor should I try. Best wishes.

So sorry you are learning what most of us on this site have had to deal with. I was always my Mother's "go to" person because when she would ask my brother's for anything, it fell on deaf ears.

If the siblings took over some tasks do you think they could do them without your interference and without your input as to whether or not they were well done? I think that if we are in a certain position we have been complicit in most cases in getting into that position. We have taken over and people have let us.
If you would like help the thing to do is to call together the family to meet with you. To tell them that you have honestly bitten off more than you can now comfortably chew. That you will need to divide up visiting time, "honey-do" lists, and etc. Ask for volunteers. Have GOOD IDEAS and a list with you for things you need help with. Be specific. Such as I need someone to visit on Monday, someone on Wednesday, someone on Friday. I need someone to get this or that for Mom.
Ask for help. If you have asked 8 brothers and sisters, and every one of the 8 has told you that they cannot help, then you will have to let Mom be cared for more by the people who are being paid to care for her. DOING THINGS as you have been habitually doing them is knowing that something is not working and chosing to do it anyway. It is passive aggressive to not take things into your own hands, call a meeting, and etc. but still to do it, be overwhelmed, and then angry.
They want to be asked? So, then, ASK them. And I sure wouldn't want to hear any of that guilt nonsense about asking for help. Most of the boxes we fit ourselves into we chose for ourselves, knowing the fit was going to be bad from the beginning, but choosing not to assert ourselves. You have a right to help. You may be the most responsible; that may be why you were designated. But you didn't sign up for door mat. Did you?

My mother was in a skilled facility for a while and if they are not seriously understaffed ( and I think most of them are understaffed to a point) then the staff should be doing their job. They should be brushing her teeth, etc. That's the whole point of someone being in a center - that the family can get a break from doing all these chores. As far as the medication - there are nursing home ombudsmen. We had to contact one for my aunt, who had some of her furniture taken out of her nursing room without permission. They helped with this, and should be able to help with the medication problem. Let THEM do the fighting. For the laundry, you could put up a schedule on the door as to which family member does the laundry for which week. Tell siblings that 'mother said she would like you to do this.' I am also POA and it's like 'well if you're the big shot parents chose, you can just handle all the work.' This is from insecure people who take everything personally that you were thought to be a little more responsible or trustworthy. ( It really means you are a classy and competent person!)

Solutions Focused perspective:
Nurses and CNAs are employed to help your mother. If you're concerned about your mom's medications then the M.D. who is designated as in-charge over that facility, must be contacted. Since, the M.D. ultimately handles the dosages, leaving nurses the task of distributing meds...and CNAs perform the other tasks you mentioned. Have you had time to look into DDI (direct drug interactions) and side-effects? For example, Statins are horrifically toxic to livers (hormones, etc) and interfere with anti-coagulants.

Your siblings needing to be asked....equates to your mother telling them that she will ask them when she needs help? Meaning they might have been directed to not interfere.

You must stop following your mother's directives to take-over duties of the nursing home staff, 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ You're not employed to take care of your mother's nursing home responsibilities. Remember that, 😇 please. When you take over nursing home duties, it interferes with staff rhythms, etc. From a clinical perspective, it's best that family refrains from employee 😇 tasks that employees are scheduled, or trained to do.👩🏽‍⚕️👩🏽‍⚕️😇

As mentioned, your mother might have told your siblings to not interfere, and that she would ask for them to assist when she thinks she needs help. If you're always present, then your other siblings will never be contacted. 🤬

If your mother continues asking you to physically help, then you might need to perhaps visit later in the day? Every resident has a rhythm if not schedule, days/times for showers, etc... Get to know her scheduled/known routine ......so you can perhaps visit during times she won't ask you to perform nursing home employee stuff.

Hugs 😊😊

You've been placed in the position of POA but not "only one to care for mom". Remind yourself of this. She has a facility full of staff to help her, let them and remind her that this is their job. You have a family full of siblings, ask them to visit/call/help in ways that ease your burden and provide real help for mom. They are relying on you to be the "director" of care, not necessarily the "provider" of care.

Meanwhile, take time to care for yourself. Being on call 24/7 is tiring. Do what is necessary to create balance and nurture your soul. Praying you find the peace you crave soon.

It's ok to feel bitter, especially when it's appropriate. Our heads can try to rationalize things but our feelings are our feelings. I've noticed that some of us are predisposed towards watching out for others and their welfare in a caring selfless manner. It's just who we are. The problem is, then it becomes an expectation. It's a bit of a catch 22 of the Golden Rule of do on to others as you would have them do on to you... I treat people kindly, generously and with compassion, the way I'd like to be treated myself, but all I ever produce is spoiled people wanting more. The primary caregiver tends to get over-worked, underappreciated and truly the short end of the stick of this perfectly nasty and miserable passage. Shame on your siblings. If you were nearby, I give you a gentle hug to the heart and some comforting arms. I don't have that either... thank goodness for my sweet cat... and frankly, this forum is really a supportive space. Thank you Aging Care.

I am in a painfully similar situation myself. I have 2 other siblings that do not help and mom fights with the CNAs and does not want them to care for her. I am visiting 4-5 days a week and she expects me to perform tasks that the staff is responsible for and is dependent on me. It is wearing on me and I do not know what to do. Should I cut back my visits so that she can be more independent? Whenever I try, she just rings my phone off the hook and badmouth me to family? Any advice.

Thanks

In my case, her favorites always were excused/made excuses for, why their lives were so busy and she couldn’t possibly ask them. :o))) Didn’t matter much how full mine was, because she knew I would always show up & get it done. No regrets, no guilt—I did all I could to make her latter years happy.

You say the siblings want to be asked....so ask. It appears the sibs go by there for visits and mom just doesn't ask for those tasks to be done. So, talk to the sibs and tell them mom doesn't like NH staff to help with hair, teeth, laundry - ASK them to bring these things up when they visit. Don't ask mom if she wants them done, TELL mom while I'm here let's fix your hair, brush your teeth, etc.

Because you are the POA, that responsibility probably included dealing with NH staff. You are more aware of what is done correctly and what is not. If there is a certain task the siblings can do - then tell them. Make a calendar of who will do the laundry for her and leave it up to them to swap days with each other if they can't do it. You could add hair or other tasks to the calendar. -- Regarding the overmedicating - I would not assign that to the group as a whole. That really needs to be the person who is very, very familiar with meds, her reactions to them, what she can/can't take, how often, etc. You don't need too many spoons stirring that pot.

When my mom was in Skilled Care , there was a schedule (mutually agreed upon based on work etc etc). There were 9 of us with only one out of town. Because my company just closed I took over feeding her breakfast every day. Tuesday was my dinner night. Everyone had a different night. There were 2 siblings who didn’t participate or if did, extremely limited. When you had your dinner night you stayed to make sure the CNAs brushed her teeth and put her to bed. If my mom wanted us to brush her teeth, we would have but she had aphasia and couldn’t speak. One sister who came Friday nights always did her nails. The one sister who came Monday’s (hairdresser) always did her hair. The one sister who was POA lived only a couple blocks away so she popped in at all different times, With a lot of hands it made visiting a wonderful time even though she didn’t speak. After my mom passed I had 1 free year then my friend ended up in AL then SC for a total of 5 years. I spent 7 days a week with him. The last 6 months I finally hired an outsider to take Fridays so I had a day off. But I also hired her to do a week every 3 months while I went to my house in FL for r&r. I don’t regret anything I did. You need to call a family meeting and work out very specific arrangements and duties. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Sad to say in SC, those who have visitors get better treatment because you are watching over them like a hawk. You only have one mother and every one needs to remember that and pitch in. That will make your life easier. Hope my story helps.

There is no mention of what mom's medical condition is - does she have dementia or some other medical issue(s) that require a NH? If it is a combination, the dementia alone can result in her asking you all the time because you are the one she is most familiar with, especially having provided her care for 6 years. Out of sight, out of mind - our mother still asks about my brothers, but without "reinforcement", she forgot who two of her granddaughters were (they are the youngest as YB was 10 years younger than me. She lived near them and doted on/babysat them for a long time, yet when doing Xmas cards and we got to theirs, she read the names and asked who are they? I was able to get some recent pix and those at least brought back some memory of them.)

Question about siblings - you say "My siblings never volunteer to take over some of the tasks but instead want to be asked to do these things." Do they want mom to ask? That may/may not happen. IF this is the issue, you can try gently suggesting she ask for them - over time it might sink in. If they are looking to you to ask, then draw up a list of things they can do to help you and provide it to them. They can choose from that list what they might consider doing. If not, well then join the crowds here who feel like only children. We can't force them to help. We can only realize they won't and try to let the anger, etc go, because your anger doesn't hurt them, it only hurts you.

As others have suggested, perhaps back off visiting or visit at times when she is less likely to need your "help." Brushing teeth should be done after meals, before bed. Don't go then. Laundry? Find out what day the NH does laundry and show up after - then there is no laundry to do! If she "holds" it for you, take it out of the room, but give it to staff, don't take it home. The cost of the facility pays for this.

My two brothers don't really contribute much. One isn't local, but the last time he was here and "visited" he refused to go again saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Mom is in MC, repeats herself often and has bad hearing, even with a hearing aid. I suspect even if he lived closer, he would not visit. Early on trying to manage getting her in-home care, providing supplies when we took the car away, going often and/or calling (1.5 hr drive each way), finding a place for her when she refused to let the aides in, getting her condo cleared out, cleaned up and repaired, while still visiting and managing finances (for her AND the condo), medications (staff doles it out, but it is less expensive to get it via her plan than the 'usual' NH suppliers), supplies the MC doesn't provide, etc became a bit much. 99.9% was on my plate. It took over a year and a half to get the condo on the market. When I told this brother it was all too much, his only response was 'give it up.' Not exactly helpful!! No plan for someone else to take over, no offer to do more, nothing. He is no longer welcome here due to his behavior when last here. YB provides some help, but often it requires multiple pings via phone, text, email to even get a response!

BTW - for all:
Having POA (either medical or financial or both) does NOT mean one has to provide ANY care-giving. POAs grant you the ability to make financial and medical decisions (what and when is determined by the document), pay bills, etc., but it does not require one to provide the actual care (details are unique to each document.) Providing some or all of the care and visiting comes from the heart - the time and care one gives is a personal choice. If one can't or doesn't want to provide any of it, so be it. We cannot change others, only ourselves.

You need to call in "sick" once in a while because this situation is truly bad for your health. Let the nursing home staff know that you can't do so much personal care even if your mom insists. Let her hair go unbrushed for a day. As far as your siblings are concerned, maybe it's enough for them to visit your mother on a regular basis. As for the laundry, hire it out if you can afford it.

I understand how you feel because I’m in the same situation lol. I’m 20 years old and have been taking care of my grandfather for 7 years and my grandmother for 9. But before that my mother would always ask me to do things because I was the second oldest and the one to always do what i was told when I was asked. Soon, my mother called me more than my 4 other siblings and it use to make me so made. I would bring it up and she would brush it off and say “well your older more responsibility” The same thing with my grandmother. Because my siblings ignore her a lot when she calls I go in their place to see what she wants. Now she has got accustomed to calling me 24/7. I have no job, I don’t know how to drive, or never had a further education, only highschool and I have an illness in my head that causes constant pressure and pain .
So a lot of times like right now I get very angry and bitter at my grandmother because she asks me to do everything. But... I get my strength through Jesus Christ. When I received him a couple of months ago he made it even more bearable to deal with her even when I wanted to quit. He has shown me his love and his grace during the whole process even now. I was feeling quite bitter and angry toward her because I had to bed wash her in the morning. But everyday I ask the Jesus Christ to give me strength to make it through and he does! I noticed that she calls on me all the time because she knows that I answer to her and not my siblings. She trusts me more to help her out because I have been around her more than them. Can it be annoying sometimes? Yes! It can lol. But I pray and ask Jesus to help me with my every need because I know this is something that he wants us to do. Pray and tell Jesus how you feel. He listens and understands and when you trust and rely on him he will give you the strength to continue

First, I want to make sure you are not suffering guilt about wishing your mother to pass in her sleep. This too comes with Caregiving.

RE: 8 brothers & sisters: Oftentimes, the parent will choose one child to do everything but don't feel bad, feel flattered. You're the one she wants to be there 24/7 with her as much as for her. And it's common for the parent to prefer the child to assist as opposed to a nurse/stranger, especially with hygiene.

Be angry if you must, but hold your head up high and "lord it over" the other children. Later, after your mother has passed, your siblings will try to cry on your shoulder - and it will be up to you if you allow it. Personally, I told my father and my DH that No One will cry on my shoulders after they each passed. Everyone could have been there with me or even instead of me had they wanted to have quality time while Pop & DH were still here. Lamenting to me after the fact was not an option for me and I cut DH's children from my life. My sisters did try and we still get along great. But I cut Pop's brother from my life too. It allowed me to keep my sanity. Pop's only brother could have done more, even if only calling and the same goes for DH's children. Calling me after they passed? No. I will not grant absolution for their neglect of their LO's.

Could be you are the most caring one. my husband was and is like this with
his mother which is in a nursing home now., but before that he was always
supportive of her making sure she had what she needed, but he was the one
that the other siblings looked down on. Some way , somehow these kinds of people will be rewarded one day.

Frankly you need professional help for yourself. In any situation a person needs to take care of their own mental and physical health first, before they can be of value to others. Get help.

I get this and share your feelings - the PTSD, stress, depression and all the things that go along with caring for someone - even if they are in a facility. I, too, have siblings but two are not in the area and the other one will not even go to visit. So, why do I feel responsible even though it seems like it's slowly killing me? I tried to explain it to my husband the other night. My Mom is like a child now, I'd say the equivalent of a 4 year old. She is not able to appropriately express if something is bothering her. She feels abandoned when no one comes to see her, even if it is only a day. She doesn't have a good sense of time. She doesn't know to refuse stool softeners even if she's in the bathroom 5 times in a day. Would I leave a 4 year old with a babysitter for days when they don't really know her all that well? Of course not. I am her advocate, the person she trusts and believes she can count on. And, even though I feel like it's draining me, I know she would do the same for me if she was still able. I think the most difficult thing is, unlike a child, Mom is never going to "grow up". So, we'll continue to do what we feel we need to so our parents are safe and cared for in a way that they should be, because we love them. Not a happy scenario but one that I feel I'll be OK with after all is said and done. Best to you and, if there's any comfort in this - know you are not alone.

They are not going to volunteer, and its not because they dont love her. But if you are her primary they are going to leave it all up to you. I took care of my mom for 3 years. If I néeded anything like prescription and such then my brother qould drop everything and get it for her. Clothing and such nut other than that the primary care was left up to me. I was burnt out completely. No one wants to deal with the fact that she is dying and to face that reality. Your mom ask you to do things because she can count on you no matter how tired you are. Unfortunately if its you now unless you say something it will be you until the end. If you really want the help have a meeting with them or your mom wont get the quality of care she needs. God bless, hope this helps.

You might consider moving her to another facility. Perhaps she has gotten on the bad side of the help there. My sister is in a facility with a paralyzed right side and left hand. She has a stomach hernia and has to be fed slowly. But an aid said "She throws up on purpose". The aids are not nurses. They aren't paid much and it is an unpleasant job. Perhaps a fresh start at another place would help. My other sister (a retired nurse) is the only family that lives close to her. She goes in once a week. I have urged her to go in during the middle of the week because the weekend help doesn't seem to know anything. I will be moving in with my daughter soon, and am worried about how I will be treated. It appears I have to choose between severe isolation and a constant rain of criticism. I don't know how to get my daughter to be my friend. Such is life getting older. I curse my husband for deserting me and leaving me in this situation. The Bible is right in saying that divorce is violence. Sorry I got off topic but I need to vent every once in a while.

Would it be wrong to call a sibling and say,"Mom wants some help with_____________?" Is that a lie? Mom wants the help and you can't do everything,

Perhaps your mother trusts you more than anyone else...because you have done so much for her and gone to bats for her. It's problematic compliment, isn't it? I am sorry that you are in this predicament.

My mother, also in a nursing home, has only me to oversee the care she receives, etc. It's not a good time in my life, or hers. I, like you, wish my mother would "fade into her next life" while she is sleeping.

I have to keep in mind that the (woefully underpaid and overworked) staff are just "doing their jobs" -- the over-medication is a direct result of the doctor's instruction. The doc has seen her 2x in 5 months -- and likely makes 20x what most CNAs make. Here's to raising their pay to (at least) $15 per hour, yes?

Best to you.

All excellent advice given. You don’t say how often you go but my bet would be it’s nearly every day. That's why she is so dependent on you. There is no need to do that. Some people do that because they like being needed. Step back and evaluate why you go so often. The amount of money being paid for her care should not necessitate you going so often. Also, if you have PTSD as you say, you need to ask for a Care Conference ASAP. Discuss her medication and also the staff needing to step in because your visits will be less often. Be sure the doctor attends the conference.
I know that dealing with NH staff and gooofs are so frustrating as I’ve experienced it myself. But I don’t let them get away with it. They will probably be glad to see my dad die so I’ll quit bugging them about the things they let fall through the cracks. Even the billing gets messed up.
anyway, bottom line is, stop going so often, tell your siblings that mom would like them to visit and assign a day.
No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

It's amazing to me that the adult child of a parent with dementia who does the most in the family, such as you described, appear to end up feeling worse than their siblings who may do very little for the sick parent. This adult child may experience personal burnout, PTSD, health related illnesses, guilt from feeling they fell short of how well they wish they could have taken care of such parent or all of the above. Meanwhile, their siblings appear unscathed and did the least! It's so cruel and infair for that adult child to be marginalized, even by some in this blog, suggesting if only he/she established boundaries then this problem would be resolved. Unfortunately, boundaries don't matter much when your parent trusts or depends most in that one person. Boundaries cannot fix other issues either such as: if there is no one else left to help or unwilling to help, then what? And boundaries cannot address the differences in families who have different cultural expectations! But boundaries is a wonderful theoretical perspective for those who belong to a culture where that is a valued norm. Unfortunately, for some of us primarily belonging emotionally to another culture even if we live in America, boundaries would be considered in that specific culture cruel, disloyal, lacking in care of that parent, irresponsible, and so many more negative connotations that the adult child is left to choose each day which culture should he/she fit in today. He/she many times cannot fit in both worlds simultaneously. And living in one world only like America doesn't make one give up emotionally their primary cultural experience even if they tried. Our heritage and cultural heritage is ingrained from our childhood and will stay with us throughout our lifetime. Just thought folks ought to consider not piling on more psychological expectations of how best to resolve a problem to a caregiver who is already experiencing burnout or PTSD or both. MariaD