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Countless times when I'm weary, and at Me weakest I have asked Myself this question. As Caregiver to Mom Who is 86 years and suffers from Al/s I have learned so much, how Family & Friend's lurk in the shadows, it's as if while I'm sleeping a voice whispers in My ear THATS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU DEAL WITH IT. While Other's keep telling Me, Oh Your a mighty Man to take care of Your Mother like that, it can't be easy They say. And They are correct It can't be easy, but I'm wondering to Myself..HOW COULD THEY KNOW ? when They wouldn't be capable of looking after the Family cat. Yes We Caregiver's are made of stern stuff, and Our Caregiving is done out of Love, respect, for Those Who We Love.

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There WILL come a time when you will be you again. Sadly though it will be when your loved one passes on and is at peace. I'm no expert by any means, I am a newbie and I will try not to be harsh. There will be grief, sadness, guilt, then relief knowing you did your very best for them and the others can just kiss your a--. They are feeling guilt right now but still living their merry life. When it comes your time to be you again you enjoy yourself with no guilt or shame. Hang in there and stay close.
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I agree that you may not feel like yourself until after caregiving has ended. Even then you will find that you have changed. You may want to read this article on rebuilding your life: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm and/or this one on how caregiving can change us: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-can-change-personality-161527.htm

Tarajane said that you will again enjoy yourself without guilt and I think that's true. When we step up to the plate and do all that we can, most of us can move on with a good feeling. It's often the adult children who stood back and did nothing who have the hardest time afterward.

You'll be okay, Johnjoe. It's hard, but you'll come out of it yourself but better.
Take care,
Carol
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From experience, you will never be who you were. You will be a stronger, wiser human being with a greater perspective on life.
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Stargazer, I ditto your comment!
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I know Im a changed person. Will NEVER be the same. I have the SAME family. Offers ZERO help but judges and stirs the pot. Its not possible to be the person I was before. But maybe that's Okay, because I am DONE being the fixer of the this FAKE family. with this type of family who needs enemies ??? Blood means SQUAT when they throw you to the wolves and then run for the hills. So I know I will never be the same, life as I knew it before mom moved in is looooooooooong gone and so are most of my siblings . But its OKAY because im a firm believer in Karma. I give up on my family but Karma wont........
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Mmm. You know that old cliché that "what does not kill us makes us stronger"? I've always thought that was a half truth, often misapplied. Painful, challenging experiences can make us stronger, but they can also scar and maim. And right now, ohmygod nearly six months and I can't quite believe it since my mother's death, I am still bruised and dazed. It's not so much that I haven't got back to normal as that I no longer know what normal is. I don't know who I am or what I'm for.

I am working on the assumption that this too will pass, and trying - though as a lifelong depressive type it's quite an effort - to make a conscious decision to be happy and purposeful. As they say with slightly more truth "when you're going through hell, for God's sake keep going!"

So you too, you will be different. You won't ever be the same as before. Whether that's a good or a bad thing, though, is at least partly up to you. Be kind to yourself, and make the best choices you can.
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I should add that after my mother died, I became empathetic toward anyone who said, "My mother died."
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I was in a particularly good place yesterday (at one point anyway) and thought about this very topic. I don't think there's any doubt this is the best thing I've ever done. I know if will make me a better person, more empathetic, compassionate, patient and giving. Less judgmental, selfish and particular.

So long as I don't let it get the best of me! lol (sort of). My doc just up-ed my antidepressants - which might explain my rosier view of things. Regardless, I'm very glad to have this time with my Mom. I'm very sorry she and we have to go through this but we will make the best of it. She and I enjoy at least some part of everyday.
I know when she's gone I'll be so happy I could do this for her.
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JohnJoe; NO, you will never be the same person again. NEVER. And, if someone tells you otherwise---they have not been there. We, as caregivers, become stronger, more compassionate, kinder, value goodness and see the 'positive side' of life. Why? Because we must. There comes a time when we realize we are the 'rock', we must keep strong, we must always understand that every day will be different, every minute can be funny, sad, disheartening, worrisome and yes...frustrating. There is no one else that truly cares or wants to care. They have their own life and unless it is filled with roses, it is not for them. Don't expect support or understanding from professionals, friends, acquaintenances or even family members. What has gotten me through the past 10 years as a 24/7 caregiver for my husband, was prayer. Lots of prayers and appreciating the little things... a beautiful blue sky, the trees turning colors, a butterfly, a bright orange/red sunsets. I smile at strangers in the grocery line, little kids, parishioners that look at my husband and wonder why he appears so disleveled when I am dressed nice. In a way I am saying; "enjoy life, it is good for you now, but one never knows what card may be dealt in your future. Go ahead and judge me for none of you know what I am going through." The shuns and stares I get at church have no idea that an hour before I was running around the house with dripping wet hair looking for my husband's electric shaver that hubby had hidden under the bed, his dress trousers rolled up in a ball under the rocking chair pillow, a toothbrush that was never found and mismatched socks rolled around rolls of toilet paper found on the sewing machine. And, while I am frantically looking the same question...'where are we going?' And, the same answer...'church.' So, please understand depending on your circumstance, the emotional wounds are deeper for some than others. There is not a 'one answer fits all.' We cope the best we can. Some caregivers give up and walk away. Others stay to the very end. It all depends on what road we chose. But, no---you will never be the same again.
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No. In the years of helping dad caregive mom, and the years of us asking repeatedly for help among my siblings, I finally realize why dad was always a bitter old man. Now I understand why. I'm no longer idealistic. No longer gungho about family. I used to look forward to holidays - it meant associating with my siblings. Now, I just wish they start their own tradition and not come over.

I find myself wondering if this person or that have dementia. I can't help it. I saw it with mom, and seeing it with dad. My mental process is now geared toward analyzing an elderly person. I once attended a caregiver's monthly meeting, recognized the signs of my dad in this woman next to me. I made sure to smoothly leave my seat for another. There are other little things that I do that I never did before. Nope, we all change and will never really go back to our previous self.

I make it a point to read funnies. It helps me to find laughter on a daily basis. It's true that laughter is the best medicine. I may not go back to being me, but at least I still have a sense of humor!
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What I hear in your letter, is a feeling about the others who offer advice, but not assistance. I, too, felt the burden of my husband's care was all on me, whereas his children complained and did nothing. I devoted myself but I did seek help from visitors, day care and finally out of home placement. Don't wait until she dies to feel yourself. Insist on getting help so you can live your life, now too.
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Reading the pain that we caregivers go through makes me wonder what you are planning to do if you become the one needing care from your family. Personally I am planning on hoarding sleeping pills, because I will NEVER put my children through this h*ll. I would much rather die.
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When overwhelmed and stressed out, I was not myself. My friend who drove me to the doctor even explained: "She's not been herself lately." That was a kind way of putting it, so the doctor gave me some medicine.
I did not want to be angry at my loved one all the time, and I was hating myself for being this way. Reading on here, and thinking some people understand, I am better able to keep my frustration in control, and, there is more calm and ability to love others.
It also helps me to see how God sees me, as unfinished.
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You'll be a different me. You already are. You will have a unique ability to empathize with others who find themselves in the same boat long after yours has sailed.

You'll have tried and true advice for them...funny stories to keep them going...and compassion for them when they are so burned out that they don't think they can take another step.

You'll have 20/20 hindsight. You'll realize you might have done things differently. After the exhaustion wears off, you may even think you could have done better. But then you'll remember you did the absolute best you could do at the time.

Oh, you'll still be you. But you'll be sooo much stronger...
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Johnjoe, when you are weary and at your weakest, that state does not define you. I think with much effort, and on a better day like today or tomorrow, you can be yourself again. If it's been awhile, you can try to start a list of who you were, or who you would like to be, adding your good qualities so you won't forget.
Would like to have encouraged you, wishing the best for you today.
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You will be a new You when things are over, and you will be stronger for having been a caregiver. Thank you for hanging in there for your mother!
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No you will never be the same but you are still in your drivers seat. I retired early to ease the demands of my aging parents and mother in law. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly 7 months later. It's life and it sucks, but I knew there is no one other than myself to climb out of this hole, wishing it away doesn't work. I am grateful for those who keep trying to ease the pain and laugh at the stupidity of some. Make yourself do things that make you happy- don't stay in the hole. Some things might not help but keep trying until you find what does. I tried church last year during the holidays but didn't continue that- trying some different ones. I am trying to establish my schedule and don't get upset when it's disrupted by the demands of the parents and in law. Good luck.
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I don't know what it's like at the end of the rainbow, I've only just begun the journey of losing myself. I know exactly when it happened too. I felt it - and I hated her for it. That sounds so harsh, but I'm being honest. I'm an only child, so there is no one else - no one to complain, no one to dish out unwanted advice...is that better than having those that complain but do nothing? That offer unsolicited advice, yet run from their responsibility? I'm not at all sure - either way it sucks!

I am not one who is embracing this caregiver stuff. I WANT my life back and I fight to get it back each and every day and at the same time, I'm getting sucked deeper and deeper into the caregiver hole. I'm not going willingly - but only obligatorily - and not out of love, but out of required respect. I do love her with my whole heart, and I will be devastated when she passes, but I resent the heck out of her for taking my life from me. Women in our family have a history of living extremely long lives...so I'm looking at possibly another 10-15 years of having no life of my own.

I know, I know - I'm being selfish beyond words. I can't help it. I heed the words that Senorita writes - what happens when one day it is me who requires the care. I had 2 children specifically because I hated being an only child. However, I too, hope I never place either of my children in the position that I find myself in today. My children have a life and I want them to lead their lives free of caregiver bondage. I hope that I'm a pleasant enough person for them to visit on occasion, but I do not wish them to be bound by the duty to the point my elder life overshadows and encompasses theirs.

I'm not at all sure how you all seemingly have freely accepted your caregiver roles and the changes it has and will have on your lives. Perhaps I'm naive to have never really thought of this time in my life and the affects an aging parent would have. I feel stuck. My husband is about to retire, but we can't travel, we really have nothing to look forward to in retirement except caregiving. In 10-15 years, one or both of us will likely not be fit enough to travel. And by that time, we likely will be caregivers to his mother!

A decade ago, she would be in a nursing home and I would still be living my life around occasional visits, but no more. The goal of keeping them living independently and with minimal assistance has meant the end to a lot of baby boomers living their own lives!
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Can you find a few moments in your now where you step back and see the whole scene with you as a player in it, where you see how important your role is. But then there will be another play and The Divine Director will give you a new role.
And all the while underneath your now, the moments of your life, you have a sense of yourself. Maybe you are always aware of your roots and feel that deep entity that makes you different from everyone else. You might see a part of yourself that never changes and can be counted upon, even as you experience pain, hurt, anger, etc.

Sending love to the YOU that never changes and always grows stronger...
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SweetJoe, you've already gotten great replies from everyone here so just want to encourage you to keep pressing on and take one step at a time. Try not to get ahead of yourself and anticipate living the worst of your life that is left. None of us are exactly the same. Who can be and more importantly, who should be the same?

What I take heart in are those who have posted that have walked this journey we're still on ourselves. I take away hope from them because they have come through refined and sparkling from the fire. They lived to tell about it and now they are sharing with us the hope that is to come if we allow it. I think about that a lot!
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It's been almost 10 months since my 63 tr old husband died from FTD, after 5 yrs of care taking. No, I will never be the same.
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Thank you johnjoe for your question. It's exactly how I feel. And the worst part of all of it is the ending is when they die and how can you wish your parents dead? So no, I do not think anything will ever be the same.
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I can relate to SallySad. There are two types of caregivers: the ones who embrace it lovingly and the ones who fight daily to maintain a semblance of normal life while meeting their obligations and desires to be a good child caregiver. I am in a similar situation but after almost one year of this recognize my boundaries of how much I can do. I largely take things day by day, because it is too scary and overwhelming to think about the years ahead and possible caregiving at age 65 or older!! I will do what I can for as long as I can. No one knows the future. We all do our best.
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Things have gotten so bad with my mother's attitude, that we have actually cancelled the holidays this year...being a close- knit family who look forward to that time of year, this was a difficult decision...we don' t know how she will act when everyone is around...we decided that wiping the holidays off the calender this year, although it may upset some family members, is the lesser of two evils in this case...my husband & I are in a state of clinical depression & won't be looking forward to the festivities anyway...sad, but true.
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I hear your question loud and clear! No, we will never be the same again...our perspectives on life, death and aging have changed us but we will be better and stronger for the valiant efforts we have made for our loved ones. We won't let the anger, guilt, heartbreak and fatigue turn us into weaker, lesser versions of ourselves...we now choose to be more compassionate, patient and thankful. It's our choice to let the experience make us or break us. I choose the former and hope you do too!
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I know this experience will change me and I don't know how yet. I am keeping a little list of what I would like to do if the caregiving ends someday. If you feel guilty doing this you can always tuck the list away somewhere to refer or add to it later. I also thought of keeping a list of the things I really like...hobbies I have given up etc. Even what my favorite color is, how I like to decorate, places I would visit, etc. Allow yourself to be happy with the small daily things right now, and this helps you keep in touch with yourself, what you enjoy, hopes and dreams, etc.
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I have to agree with the others who have posted....you will be you, just not the same you will have more compassion then you did before...and that is a good thing. I helped my dad take care of my mom for many years - she had a very long run with Alz. and it was, I think, more difficult on the family than it was for her. Certainly it changed all of us in many ways. I now live with and help care for my dad (86) and, thankfully, he does not have dementia! But he has other health issues like myasthenia gravis etc. I am thankful for every good day that we have, once you know the worst all else seems easier! Blessings to you, Lindaz
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Thank You all Fellow Caregiver's for Your honesty and for re setting My compass.
Each post really struck a cord with Me. I'm very lucky as I have NO resentment towards Mom, how could I ? It's the isolation and the loneliness that's killing Me.
Where once not too long ago I would have been considered very out going, and good company..now I've become a Recluse. I take great encouragement fromYou Who have travelled this journey before Me, and I am very thankful for Your advice, and encouragement. I read that 40% of all Alzheimer's Caregiver's suffer from stress or a breakdown, and I'm determined that Alzheimer's will not conquer Me. Finally My thanks to AgingCare.Com for this wonderful site which has brought all of Us Caregiver's together. It is very true A TROUBLE SHARED IS A TROUBLE HALVED...Your support is priceless. Thank You all, from John Joe. 🇮🇪
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JohnJoe,

I send you a big hug. I oftne ask that quesiton. And here is what I am telling myself:

This is it. I need to enjoy every day. Life is not next year. Life is not after my mother and husband pass away. Life is today--now. I need to find a way to be grateful to be alive and to find some fun and enjoyment in each day.

In two weeks I am getting a little dog and I am going to have fun with her. She is a joyful little creature.

Carpe diem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow. I am no expert and I am not the main caregiver but I do help my father with my mother who has Parkinsons/ Dementia. The anguish I feel for both of them is overwhelming. She doesnt know whats going on and he is aging by the day. I can tell you Johnjoe that it takes a special person to do all that you do!! Remember how horrible things are and how you feel at times but then imagine NOT helping how would you even begin to feel then. I am a mother myself and it gives me great joy to see my children help with my mothers care and show so much compassion, its not much of a life without that!! Not everyone has a heart you know and you were blessed with an enormous one! Your mother did a wonderful job raising you and now you are returning the love she gave to you. Keep that close to your heart! God Bless and keep well!
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