Countless times when I'm weary, and at Me weakest I have asked Myself this question. As Caregiver to Mom Who is 86 years and suffers from Al/s I have learned so much, how Family & Friend's lurk in the shadows, it's as if while I'm sleeping a voice whispers in My ear THATS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU DEAL WITH IT. While Other's keep telling Me, Oh Your a mighty Man to take care of Your Mother like that, it can't be easy They say. And They are correct It can't be easy, but I'm wondering to Myself..HOW COULD THEY KNOW ? when They wouldn't be capable of looking after the Family cat. Yes We Caregiver's are made of stern stuff, and Our Caregiving is done out of Love, respect, for Those Who We Love.
She had some form of dementia, but always recognized me and most of the family. It was hard because we didn't always get along well even before she needed me, and because my brother died toward the end of her life... She was quite clear she'd have preferred it be I.
I feel I will recover and I am sure you will too but if your parent is still living, please take time for yourself so you don't feel shipwrecked at the end!
I have a family member with major depressive disorder so I see the struggles of clinical depression. Add that to all of your caregiving challenges and it would sometimes seem like giving up is the answer. It is not. You will survive. If you are truly close to suicide do call the hotline in your community. These people are trained to help you. Please keep in touch.
Carol
You are right. Sometimes genetics or other factors totally outside of our control have huge impacts on our lives. You have only to look at your parents and know that what life dealt them was not fair and was not their fault.
You may never get your health back. Your Dad isn't getting his back. But with treatment you may at least improve. I have major depressive disorder. I did nothing to deserve that ... I guess it just came with the gene set. I take medication for it, and have learned techniques to manage it. In spite of the burden I'm a fairly happy person ... and part of what makes me happy is my generosity and compassion. Those are very valuable assets that you have!
I am truly sorry that you lost your friends, just when you really need some. But there are hundreds of potential new friends in your community -- and you just need one or two. You don't have to start working on this tomorrow, but it is something to hope for in the future.
Calysta, continue to hang in there, for Dad. And after he is gone, continue to hang in there for you. You deserve another chance at some happiness. There is hope that you can find some!
The fact that you are writing this here is a first step towards looking for help.
Something somewhere inside of you knows that there is still life in you. Look around, read this site and others, There are lots of people who have illnesses and disadvantages who have learned to live again.
Get thee to a therapist. the right therapist can make a world of difference. Don't forget: lots of people deal with adversity by having a sense of humor. You can do that, too--though it may not seem like it at this time. First, take care of yourself and get the help you need.
Kept and developed my sense of anger, called my friends regularly, took exercise classes, kept learning about food and nutrition, and am continuing on with progress. Develop some mental acrobatics to keep sane: my mantra is "I'm a happy girl!".
Human beings can be amazing.
Is it enough? No, not really; but it's something.
CarlaB My great fear is that I will not be able for the next chapter of My Life, UNLESS I do right by My Mom. When I had three brain operations My Mother really did take care of Me. Even though being a full time CAREGIVER is very demanding, and all of Us have put Our Lives on hold, I will not abandon My post.
I will go the full distance caring for Mom, as She's been My greatest Critic and best Friend, the only Person in this World that I would trust with My Life.
This forum just hasn't been as spicy without you. :)
so ban me !! . ive been banned from everything but ebay and theyre making serious frowny faces .
moderators !! . wake the hell up .
I wish I was organized to plan a Military style operation right now! You have the training which is great. You are so right - the time disappears
immediately unless controlled. I must get a plan - otherwise everything will get screwed up even more!. Many thanks for this message.
I have been tethered to my mother for 5+ years now, living in a place I don't like and living a life I don't want to live. Every time I think I've found an escape route, something else falls through and I'm dragged in deeper than ever. I hate this more every day, as I feel my last best years slipping away from me with nothing to show for it. I have siblings, but most of them live too far away to help and the ones that live close by are not able or willing to provide the amount of help my mother needs.
Right now my mother is having at least 2 medical appointments per week, as well as all the shopping, errands, housework and other junk that needs to be done for her. Meanwhile one of my local siblings is very sick in a hospital and the other is available for only a few hours per week, if that.
I took this on willingly at first, but at the time I believed my mother was likely to live another 2-3, maybe 5 at the absolute most. I couldn't imagine that people could live so long in a state of physical impairment and with multiple health problems. I was willing to give up 2-3 years to help her at the end of life, but it's been more than 5 years now and she seems to be nowhere near the end. I'm at the end of my rope though, with hating this life and wanting with all my heart to move back up north and start a new chapter in my life. I just can't wait until this is finally over. The end can't come soon enough for me.
Those were really unforgettable shares. Eddie, you are so right. We make many commitments in life--we CHOOSE to--that we know will change our lives.
It makes me think of having children. Do they change our lives???? You bet. But I will not compare parenting with caregiving. There is another thread for that.
Just wanted to say thank you for the thought-provoking and helpful shares.
I have been focusing on gratitude. How grateful am I for each member of my family, all of them, including the dog!, including my mom and especially my wonderful husband. Gratitude lifts my spirits way, way up high.
Our experiences are quite similar it seems. Your literary project sounds fascinating. Love the snail simile! I am trying to get some " me time". Going to small carers meeting this afternoon and I am in touch with an environmental group which I support and also sign all the never ending animal welfare petitions! There is a world out there to keep in touch with though like you I regret the lost opportunities to travel - now just in my dreams! Thankful I managed to live around the world a bit years ago.
Katie and Gershun I am with you - also found doctors care homes and hospitals a real let down with my mother. I was angry and despairing when my mother was dying - felt powerless in the face of neglect and indifference and my guilt because I seemed to get nowhere with my protests. I dont think they gave a damn. Complained to my MP about the hospital and home . He did try but came up against the medical stone wall . There are some good medical people but its all down to luck and fighting them when you are in a state of grief. Some black humour - I used to joke " no wonder there are notices all around the hospital * do not attack or abuse staff"!
I have also really lost trust in the system there is for seniors, nursing homes, rehab, and doctors. Friends that have disappeared entirely. I used to live my life buzzing along, thinking that there were people out there trained and paid well to help us if needed...but now I have lost faith in that. I feel that most people cannot handle the jobs they are given, yet so much is expected out of me. Friends have always tapped me for rides, etc but when I lost sight in my eye and had surgery no one called or offered to drive me to the grocery etc. Will I change after all the bumbling incompetence I witnessed at nursing homes and doctors not ordering antibiotics for UTIs that led to Mom's delirium, aide dropped Mom on floor giving her a broken leg, people running when I needed a ride just once, etc.? Yes I will change, but not sure how yet....I have a lot of anger issues at some of these people.
My caregiving, in time, became a military operation. I put together a "platoon" complete with calendars and other graphic organizers. Because I couldn't do that "one day at a time" a lot of other people do. Planning -- and time management -- are everything. If you can do this successfully, there will be more opportunities for getting back to life as you knew it.
The good: Well I have more respect for myself and even though my family would never admit it, they do too. I know I did the right thing, the hard thing at times but that had to be done. I know that if it weren't for me, my Mom's last days would of been harder than they needed to be. So in that way I'm better just knowing that.
I've always been a compassionate person so that never changed but I feel my spirit grew throughout the whole experience.
Bad: Well I'll never quite look at my siblings the same way again. The way they put it all on me. Some of the hardest, most painful decisions were left up to me. I forgive them but I'll never forget. The pain of watching my Mom die will never leave me. I feel a real hatred inside for some of the doctors I had to deal with. While I never looked at doctors as Gods I always naively thought most of them were decent people who cared about their patients. Wow, I don't believe that anymore.
I saw a real horrible side to people while caring for my Mom. So I have officially taken my rose colored glasses off.
I went from my mom to my husband. Taking care of both now though mom is in AL--but there is still plenty to do! I thought my retirement would be an adventure: travel, theater, etc. But it is almost like crawling into a snail shell. I am almost totally preoccupied with care of husband.
But I refuse to put my life on the back burner. I am working on a huge literary project that will take up hours of each day for many years, and I get together with people for coffee a few times a week. Life is now!!!!!!!!!!
So, will I ever be me again? Yes, I am me now and and will constantly change into a new me given new circumstances. It is sad but true, this too shall pass.
Very heartening. Must pull myself together. At least I have one " foul weather" friend who helps me twice a week and no children or grandchildren to worry about . No siblings either but realize one has to embrace the situation and count blessings. Enough money right now, no flooding etc, and wonderful birds to feed with sunflower hearts this winter! Bulbs sprouting everywhere even primroses. Nature is still wonderful and inspiring. Its kinda rural here which helps and the ocean changes every second if I get a moment to get down there!
While you may never be the same again, I do believe that Attitude and Perception will determine the "new you". With your great big loving heart and your experience, you can be a better, stronger, more patient, and definitely a wiser YOU. It doesn't happen over night, believe me. I still don't know what normal looks like but I feel at peace with myself.
Try to find the humor in things so you laugh to keep from crying. Try to find the positive in anything you can. And with every complaint you have, try to find something you can be grateful for. You have the hardest job on earth and the more you care about the person you are caring for, the harder it is. My heart goes out to you.