Countless times when I'm weary, and at Me weakest I have asked Myself this question. As Caregiver to Mom Who is 86 years and suffers from Al/s I have learned so much, how Family & Friend's lurk in the shadows, it's as if while I'm sleeping a voice whispers in My ear THATS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU DEAL WITH IT. While Other's keep telling Me, Oh Your a mighty Man to take care of Your Mother like that, it can't be easy They say. And They are correct It can't be easy, but I'm wondering to Myself..HOW COULD THEY KNOW ? when They wouldn't be capable of looking after the Family cat. Yes We Caregiver's are made of stern stuff, and Our Caregiving is done out of Love, respect, for Those Who We Love.
We are all changed in some way, some for the better; some not.
Your post made me drop my dentures! I couldn't have said it better myself.
John,
Bless you man.
(for Jonhjoe )
You are the "Me" you thought was lost
but experiences of caregiving comes with a cost
Each day as you toil to care for that soul
Will give you new parts to add to your "whole".
No other job can make you so weary
And make you question your ability to see clearly
Can keep you from vacations and lose you friends
Give you hours that seem to never end.
But you can look at yourself at the end of the day
And know that, no matter what others say.
That you made a difference and showed that you care
by being the one who chose to be there.
And some day when this caregiving whirlwind is done
You'll be the "Me" from before, but a much stronger one.
So hang in there caregiver, and one day you'll see,
You cared for your loved one and now you are free.
I do not think it is so terrible to cancel the holidays. When my daughter was at her worst as a teenager, I do mean the very worst, she ruined every meal, we just stopped inviting her for birthday and anniversary dinners. she had made us all feel so uncomfortable for so many years and it was a total waste of money. Without her we had a relaxed time. We still loved her, of course, and we still did HER birthday with her.
Sometimes you just have to get real and practical and face reality.
The funny thing was/is: she never noticed. Years went by and she wasn't invited, say, to my mom's birthday dinner, and she never noticed. Never asked.
If you treat the holiday like any other day, your mom probably won't even notice.
While you may never be the same again, I do believe that Attitude and Perception will determine the "new you". With your great big loving heart and your experience, you can be a better, stronger, more patient, and definitely a wiser YOU. It doesn't happen over night, believe me. I still don't know what normal looks like but I feel at peace with myself.
Try to find the humor in things so you laugh to keep from crying. Try to find the positive in anything you can. And with every complaint you have, try to find something you can be grateful for. You have the hardest job on earth and the more you care about the person you are caring for, the harder it is. My heart goes out to you.
Very heartening. Must pull myself together. At least I have one " foul weather" friend who helps me twice a week and no children or grandchildren to worry about . No siblings either but realize one has to embrace the situation and count blessings. Enough money right now, no flooding etc, and wonderful birds to feed with sunflower hearts this winter! Bulbs sprouting everywhere even primroses. Nature is still wonderful and inspiring. Its kinda rural here which helps and the ocean changes every second if I get a moment to get down there!
I went from my mom to my husband. Taking care of both now though mom is in AL--but there is still plenty to do! I thought my retirement would be an adventure: travel, theater, etc. But it is almost like crawling into a snail shell. I am almost totally preoccupied with care of husband.
But I refuse to put my life on the back burner. I am working on a huge literary project that will take up hours of each day for many years, and I get together with people for coffee a few times a week. Life is now!!!!!!!!!!
So, will I ever be me again? Yes, I am me now and and will constantly change into a new me given new circumstances. It is sad but true, this too shall pass.
The good: Well I have more respect for myself and even though my family would never admit it, they do too. I know I did the right thing, the hard thing at times but that had to be done. I know that if it weren't for me, my Mom's last days would of been harder than they needed to be. So in that way I'm better just knowing that.
I've always been a compassionate person so that never changed but I feel my spirit grew throughout the whole experience.
Bad: Well I'll never quite look at my siblings the same way again. The way they put it all on me. Some of the hardest, most painful decisions were left up to me. I forgive them but I'll never forget. The pain of watching my Mom die will never leave me. I feel a real hatred inside for some of the doctors I had to deal with. While I never looked at doctors as Gods I always naively thought most of them were decent people who cared about their patients. Wow, I don't believe that anymore.
I saw a real horrible side to people while caring for my Mom. So I have officially taken my rose colored glasses off.
My caregiving, in time, became a military operation. I put together a "platoon" complete with calendars and other graphic organizers. Because I couldn't do that "one day at a time" a lot of other people do. Planning -- and time management -- are everything. If you can do this successfully, there will be more opportunities for getting back to life as you knew it.
I have also really lost trust in the system there is for seniors, nursing homes, rehab, and doctors. Friends that have disappeared entirely. I used to live my life buzzing along, thinking that there were people out there trained and paid well to help us if needed...but now I have lost faith in that. I feel that most people cannot handle the jobs they are given, yet so much is expected out of me. Friends have always tapped me for rides, etc but when I lost sight in my eye and had surgery no one called or offered to drive me to the grocery etc. Will I change after all the bumbling incompetence I witnessed at nursing homes and doctors not ordering antibiotics for UTIs that led to Mom's delirium, aide dropped Mom on floor giving her a broken leg, people running when I needed a ride just once, etc.? Yes I will change, but not sure how yet....I have a lot of anger issues at some of these people.
Our experiences are quite similar it seems. Your literary project sounds fascinating. Love the snail simile! I am trying to get some " me time". Going to small carers meeting this afternoon and I am in touch with an environmental group which I support and also sign all the never ending animal welfare petitions! There is a world out there to keep in touch with though like you I regret the lost opportunities to travel - now just in my dreams! Thankful I managed to live around the world a bit years ago.
Katie and Gershun I am with you - also found doctors care homes and hospitals a real let down with my mother. I was angry and despairing when my mother was dying - felt powerless in the face of neglect and indifference and my guilt because I seemed to get nowhere with my protests. I dont think they gave a damn. Complained to my MP about the hospital and home . He did try but came up against the medical stone wall . There are some good medical people but its all down to luck and fighting them when you are in a state of grief. Some black humour - I used to joke " no wonder there are notices all around the hospital * do not attack or abuse staff"!
Those were really unforgettable shares. Eddie, you are so right. We make many commitments in life--we CHOOSE to--that we know will change our lives.
It makes me think of having children. Do they change our lives???? You bet. But I will not compare parenting with caregiving. There is another thread for that.
Just wanted to say thank you for the thought-provoking and helpful shares.
I have been focusing on gratitude. How grateful am I for each member of my family, all of them, including the dog!, including my mom and especially my wonderful husband. Gratitude lifts my spirits way, way up high.