Countless times when I'm weary, and at Me weakest I have asked Myself this question. As Caregiver to Mom Who is 86 years and suffers from Al/s I have learned so much, how Family & Friend's lurk in the shadows, it's as if while I'm sleeping a voice whispers in My ear THATS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU DEAL WITH IT. While Other's keep telling Me, Oh Your a mighty Man to take care of Your Mother like that, it can't be easy They say. And They are correct It can't be easy, but I'm wondering to Myself..HOW COULD THEY KNOW ? when They wouldn't be capable of looking after the Family cat. Yes We Caregiver's are made of stern stuff, and Our Caregiving is done out of Love, respect, for Those Who We Love.
What I take heart in are those who have posted that have walked this journey we're still on ourselves. I take away hope from them because they have come through refined and sparkling from the fire. They lived to tell about it and now they are sharing with us the hope that is to come if we allow it. I think about that a lot!
And all the while underneath your now, the moments of your life, you have a sense of yourself. Maybe you are always aware of your roots and feel that deep entity that makes you different from everyone else. You might see a part of yourself that never changes and can be counted upon, even as you experience pain, hurt, anger, etc.
Sending love to the YOU that never changes and always grows stronger...
I am not one who is embracing this caregiver stuff. I WANT my life back and I fight to get it back each and every day and at the same time, I'm getting sucked deeper and deeper into the caregiver hole. I'm not going willingly - but only obligatorily - and not out of love, but out of required respect. I do love her with my whole heart, and I will be devastated when she passes, but I resent the heck out of her for taking my life from me. Women in our family have a history of living extremely long lives...so I'm looking at possibly another 10-15 years of having no life of my own.
I know, I know - I'm being selfish beyond words. I can't help it. I heed the words that Senorita writes - what happens when one day it is me who requires the care. I had 2 children specifically because I hated being an only child. However, I too, hope I never place either of my children in the position that I find myself in today. My children have a life and I want them to lead their lives free of caregiver bondage. I hope that I'm a pleasant enough person for them to visit on occasion, but I do not wish them to be bound by the duty to the point my elder life overshadows and encompasses theirs.
I'm not at all sure how you all seemingly have freely accepted your caregiver roles and the changes it has and will have on your lives. Perhaps I'm naive to have never really thought of this time in my life and the affects an aging parent would have. I feel stuck. My husband is about to retire, but we can't travel, we really have nothing to look forward to in retirement except caregiving. In 10-15 years, one or both of us will likely not be fit enough to travel. And by that time, we likely will be caregivers to his mother!
A decade ago, she would be in a nursing home and I would still be living my life around occasional visits, but no more. The goal of keeping them living independently and with minimal assistance has meant the end to a lot of baby boomers living their own lives!
Would like to have encouraged you, wishing the best for you today.
You'll have tried and true advice for them...funny stories to keep them going...and compassion for them when they are so burned out that they don't think they can take another step.
You'll have 20/20 hindsight. You'll realize you might have done things differently. After the exhaustion wears off, you may even think you could have done better. But then you'll remember you did the absolute best you could do at the time.
Oh, you'll still be you. But you'll be sooo much stronger...
I did not want to be angry at my loved one all the time, and I was hating myself for being this way. Reading on here, and thinking some people understand, I am better able to keep my frustration in control, and, there is more calm and ability to love others.
It also helps me to see how God sees me, as unfinished.
I find myself wondering if this person or that have dementia. I can't help it. I saw it with mom, and seeing it with dad. My mental process is now geared toward analyzing an elderly person. I once attended a caregiver's monthly meeting, recognized the signs of my dad in this woman next to me. I made sure to smoothly leave my seat for another. There are other little things that I do that I never did before. Nope, we all change and will never really go back to our previous self.
I make it a point to read funnies. It helps me to find laughter on a daily basis. It's true that laughter is the best medicine. I may not go back to being me, but at least I still have a sense of humor!
So long as I don't let it get the best of me! lol (sort of). My doc just up-ed my antidepressants - which might explain my rosier view of things. Regardless, I'm very glad to have this time with my Mom. I'm very sorry she and we have to go through this but we will make the best of it. She and I enjoy at least some part of everyday.
I know when she's gone I'll be so happy I could do this for her.
I am working on the assumption that this too will pass, and trying - though as a lifelong depressive type it's quite an effort - to make a conscious decision to be happy and purposeful. As they say with slightly more truth "when you're going through hell, for God's sake keep going!"
So you too, you will be different. You won't ever be the same as before. Whether that's a good or a bad thing, though, is at least partly up to you. Be kind to yourself, and make the best choices you can.
Tarajane said that you will again enjoy yourself without guilt and I think that's true. When we step up to the plate and do all that we can, most of us can move on with a good feeling. It's often the adult children who stood back and did nothing who have the hardest time afterward.
You'll be okay, Johnjoe. It's hard, but you'll come out of it yourself but better.
Take care,
Carol