Would appreciate some care giver advice on a decision I need to make today.
A couple in the extended by marriage family (both nurses living in Knoxville) have asked me to take charge of their children (ages 13, 10, and 4) for at least the next several weeks, perhaps a few months. The grandparents live in my area of the state but are also involved in health care. The parents are offering a generous stipend for their needs (so there's no financial impact) and the grandparents will help with shopping so I can remain isolated in my home with my mother (88 with MCI and mobility issues) and these kids. My nephew who lives next door (with his wife and children ages 15, 14, 11 and 5) is the mother's first cousin and the father was my other nephew's best friend through high school. I have know both these parents literally all their lives.
Their plan B is for the grandmother to resign her position to care for the children while her husband continues to work and lives elsewhere. This is a secondary plan because it takes a health care worker offline when they may be really be needed, separates the grandparents, reduces the grandparents income as they near retirement, and the grandmother will probably have more problems helping the kids with their home learning than I would.
My instinct is to say yes; normally I would enjoy having the kids here. They are independent and well behaved children who have stayed with me previously when the parents, siblings with spouses and grandparents went on a cruise together. They would enjoy spending time with the cousins next door, particularly the 4 and 5 year old pair.
The first problem is I just not sure I'm up to it physically. I'm recovering from a bacterial infection in one lung and only started catching up on household chores I have delayed (like dusting the living room) over the last couple of months this week. Spring allergies will impact my asthma soon. The mother states her older children are accustomed to helping with household chores and she would expect them to continue doing laundry, meal prep and cleanup, keeping their own rooms clean, vacuuming, etc. in my home.
The second problem is my mother's declining cognition. She was diagnosised with MCI with short term memory impairment 6 years ago but has started showing dementia behaviors in the last year. Mostly this is time disorientation; she thinks it's 40-60 years ago and wants to visit family and friends who are no longer living. I can usually distract her or get her back into 2020, but in the last few months Mom has had a few times when she gets determined I _will_ help her dress and take her visiting, becoming argumentative over a 1-4 hour period. It's upsetting to me but doesn't seem to bother my nephew's children who visit the house nearly every day and have observed this behavior. The parents are not concerned about my mother's behaviors but I remember other posters on the forum stating how they felt their childhoods were damaged by having a grandparent living in the home and my mother would be the great-grandparent generation. My mother retains her sweet and cooperative personality most of the time, but she has always been a determined personality too so when she "insists" she wants to going visiting she is very adamant.
I have discussed my concerns with the parents and they still prefer their children live with me through the covid-19 epidemic in our area; my nephew and his wife (who will be impacted by these children interacting with theirs) agree. We have just entered community spread in our area, going from 8 cases last weekend to 26 this weekend and about 60 in the Knoxville area. I am leaning toward giving it a try with the understanding if things do not work well, they will need to move to plan B.
Thoughts?
NOBODY is getting the testing that's badly needed for this virus. We can all be carriers and/or have the virus and be showing no symptoms right now, and be unaware of it. THAT is the reason for social distancing and for not taking people into your home right now. These children CAN have the virus and not know it. They CAN be carriers and not know it, meaning you and your mom are vulnerable. In two weeks time, when we see 10's of thousands more cases in the USA, we'll realize that SO many of us WERE infected and/or carriers and didn't know it. That is the sad truth of this situation, and the simple reason why your answer must be No.
Women in particular have been taught we need to leave a trail of blood on the floor to prove we're proper caregivers. That we're 'doing enough' to care for others, at our OWN expense. I'm here to say right here and now that it's time we take care of OURSELVES now! It's time to say NO to others and look out for ourselves & those immediate family members we care for at home. It's okay to take ourselves out of harm's way, to stay home, to hunker down and allow the powers that be to create vaccines, to get needed supplies and PPEs into hospitals so that we CAN be cared for properly if we get this virus and need hospitalization. My daughter is a front line nurse going back to work next week in a downtown hospital where they have NO N-95 masks & have to care for COVID-19 patients!
The dining rooms have been closed nearly 2 weeks. When they were closed there were ZERO CV cases within 100 miles. The 8 cases within a hundred miles that originally developed in our rural area were young people who traveled out of state to the beaches and NYC despite local advisories to delay all non-essential travel.
My nephew has been working in his fields, sheds and garages located on the same property where his house and my house are located. A typical day is taking the tarp off a stack of antique lumber, selecting which logs or flooring materials meet the current project needs, using a bobcat to move the lumber to the garage, cleaning it with a pressure washer, loading it onto a 25 ft trailer, band and tarp it. Next day drive the lumbar to the job site which is more than half a mile from the nearest unoccupied structure and 12 miles from the nearest public road, unload it, cut it to size with appropriate saws in the basement or garage area of the house under construction, carry it to the room needed and install it. His entire construction crew at this point is 4 men since he has laid off others who didn't want to commit to safe CV practices. Everyone on that crew is a family man who is going to work and back home. The only stops are at mountain convenience stores to purchase fuel, bottled water, soda, chips, etc. or a drive thru window for food. They wear gloves and maintain more than 6 ft of distance most of the time as part of the normal construction process. The county they live as well as the county they work in and the county the convenience store is in are all still ZERO covid-19 known cases. Is it zero risk? Of course not, but it is a low risk of infection. Much lower than the parents you suggest swap shifts to care for their children. What happens when they both need to work a 16 hours shift?
The kids that have all been here on the property for 2 weeks have been distancing or isolating - it doesn't matter that we walk between houses because we have _all_ been here _all_ the time. Guidelines are people isolate at _home_, not make any unnecessary trips, not participate in any public gathering of more than 10 people and practice good personal hygiene. As soon as the first case occurred 60 miles from us, we have been taking shoes off in the garage or carport, changing clothes and taking a shower when returning to the property. My nephew has been doing this for years just because construction is a dirty business and he didn't want to bring any of that dirt into his home.
There is no way to make yourself or your family completely safe unless you have everything you need available at home right now. Very few people were or are prepared to live only from their available resources. If you are going to the grocery store or the pharmacy, you are accepting a low risk of infection.
Douglas MacArthur believed he could not be killed as long as God had a purpose for him on this earth and when he had completed the tasks God had for him, nothing could keep him alive. I'm not suggesting anyone stand tall while snipers or zero pilots take their best shot or disregard personal hygiene or protection equipment. I am suggesting we need to do our best to reduce our risks and accept it still might not be enough. If our time is up, then death will find us one way or another. I will take due care, but I will not completely stop living or contributing to my family and my community as long as I am able.
So I am going to step up and accept the low but real risk to my own life by welcoming 3 of our family's kids into my home. There will be 12 of us living in the family compound starting tomorrow and we will still be living in compliance with the CDC's stay home directives.
I might be too busy or too tired to post much for a week or two... but I will be back!
My brother lives with his son and dil, and has become his grade school-aged grandkids' daytime carer. The kids seem to be doing well with their days structured -- school work, dog-walking, chores, reading time, exercise, etc.
Let us know how things work out for you.
I'm one of those folks who talk about my grandma's effect on us living with us when I was a teen. The problem in our case was that my mother was not always so "present" even when she was home physically (prone to depression/anxiety) so grandma being around just sucked all the energy into the black hole of my mom's ability to attend to our needs. That's not the case here.
I have many fond memories of doing the Reader's Digest vocabulary quizzes, watching soap operas and Jeopardy with my grandma.
We are living in an era of making choices that are the lesser of two not so great choices. As long as there is a back door and these are well behaved kids who understand at least in part why this is happening, take a chance.
These kids are not going to create a ton of work, 2 are old enough to help with the little ones and the housework, actually all 3 for housework. Their energy could very well help your mom, there is just something about young people that creates joy in a home.
Definitely make it clear that you will have to implement Plan B if it doesn't work out.
God give you strength and peace during this time of helping our frontline worker's keep their children safe. What you and others are doing on this front is just as important as the frontline guys. Thank you for all that you do. You truly live "We are all in this together!"
Great big hug to you. I still want to adopt you.🤗
Are they pulling your leg? Is this April Fool's Day come early?
That's a no. It's definitely a no. No. Not even sorry, no. Just no.
MOVE THREE KIDS IN TO YOUR HOUSE WITH YOUR 83 YEAR OLD MOTHER? NOW???
I think they have a nerve to ask.
The results of extensive testing in iceland are very interesting.
"But what makes Iceland unique is that test samples are not only taken from ‘high risk’ individuals who have exhibited symptoms, came into contact with known carriers, or returned from countries such as China and Italy, they are also offered to thousands of ordinary members of its general population, who are nonsymptomatic.
The data derived from this widespread testing show that while almost a fifth of those from the ‘high risk’ population prove positive for COVID-19, roughly 1 percent of the general population also carry the virus ‘asymptomatically’ " https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/iceland-employs-detective-work-testing-quarantine-coronavirus-fight-n1170166
This helps to account for the rapid spread of this disease.
Please act wisely. These parents need to find another solution to their problem,
I don't know about your state but we are to quarantine in place. Meaning that this woman's children and the ones next door should not be playing together. You should not be socializing outside of your home or bringing others into it. And because these people are directly involved in caring for people, who is to say they aren't or one of their kids is not carrying the virus. They should be staying in their own home.
You have an elderly Mother and you suffer from asthma. You both are in the "at risk" category. This virus hits the lungs. Years of asthma attacks have scared your lungs.
You are caring for someone with Dementia. Mom is your priority. Its a nice gesture in any other circumstance but in this one, it could mean ur death or your Moms.
I reprimanded my oldest Gson yesterday because he came in my house and picked up his brother to hug him. My Gson is still working because he is considered essential. My husband takes him to work (gson suffers from epilepsy) and picks him up. Thats bad enough. If it wasn't my daughter, RN, wasn't essential I wouldn't have the 7 yr old. But, there is no other choice. Both his parents are essential.
In my area we have 3 cases. But this could rise if people don't take precautions. Schools are now closed until Middle of April. We need to get this virus where there are no new cases. And even then we will need to quarantine for a while longer It has to die out. And it can't if we don't stay in place. The longer people refuse to not adhere to the precautions, the longer this will go on.
Me, I would tell this "extended family" sorry I am not able to do it for the reasons I listed. YOU AND YOUR MOM'S HEALTH are AT STAKE HERE!
I am not being paranoid here. My BIL is a Dr. of Immunology and he said just follow the precautions. Stay at home and only go out when u need to. Limit your exposure.
Actually, the Grands taking them is not a great idea either. The best would be one of the parents staying home. Maybe one doing day shift, the other doing night shift. A 15yr old is quite capable of stayjng home with the other two during shift change. I actually think this couple has the gaul to ask anyone to care for their kids. Especially, for maybe months.
So, plan B I guess.
Right.
The little ones are not going to be having playdates. You would be entertaining that four year old on your own.
Moreover. You are talking about moving these young people, who currently live with two front line health care workers, into your home. Have they been antibody tested? Is there any prospect of that?
Look - it's a completely crazy idea. 60 confirmed cases in the Knoxville area? - just think how many unsuspected undetected ones, then. No. Life is on hold for everyone now. One of them will have to withdraw from work for the time being; the other will have to lodge wherever Knoxville is housing its critical health workers. I realise this is tough, I realise this reduces the number of nursing staff available in the immediate term; but the answer is not to expose yourself and your mother.
It's a no.
2) The children's parents have a great idea to place their children in a safe place while they work in healthcare. They should do it elsewhere to keep your elderly Mom and you safe.
3) This plan does not sound anything like how we are to isolate
at home, called "Safer at home" in my area.
4) This 'personal sacrifice' is for such a good cause, however, I think you have already made that sacrifice for your elderly Mom.
Do not allow her to be exposed to 'visitors', because that is what the children are. You cannot be sure they are not exposed or carriers of the virus, unless they are tested and quarantined elsewhere for 14 days, imo.
5) You will be hard pressed to remain in isolation when the children want to visit their cousins next door.
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