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My 85 yo mother lives with my brother and his family in a separate apartment. My brother takes the lion's share of care of Mother. She is going downhill, steadily, can walk with a walker, does get out twice a week to the Sr. Center., but the rest of the time she's home, watching TV or doing puzzles. I live close to her and see her 2-3 times a week and help as much as she'll allow, but the truth is, she really wants to see the 3 siblings that never come to visit her. Every time I go, she'll ask politely how my family is and then ask me about ALL the other sibs and their kids and the grandkids. I am sick at heart that my sisters don't even pick up the phone once a month. My brother lives only 3 miles from her and he hasn't seen her since Christmas, nor called her. I did talk to each of these sibs last week and told them that she is really quite lonely and could they take time to just drop by? Brother did feel horribly guilty and stopped by for 15 last week, between a wedding and the reception. The other 2 sisters haven't seen her in months, probably, since Christmas also. When I go up, I always feel like Mother really wishes it was one of the other kids. I'm not the favorite, and that's OK...but how do I encourage my sibs to take some time for her? She's not going to be with us a lot longer--and while I am at peace with that, I think my sisters are going to be shocked to see how much she has deteriorated since Christmas. Distance is no excuse--the furthest one away from her is only 8 miles away! Mother always says "Oh they just are so busy!" (One sister just returned from a 10 day golf trip.....) I'm baffled here, don't want to guilt them, but would love to see them spend one day once a month with her. (Yes, she could call them , but she has never been that kind of mother, we have to initiate--so don't suggest she call them, she won't) Any ideas?

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If I recall correctly one sister was the one who supported your mother when she wanted to have yet another surgery. Is she not still involved with visiting?

Why would you not want to "guilt them?"

After reading so many posts like this, I think that some siblings are just not going to be concerned or caring. Instead of visiting, perhaps they could at least just call, or send cards.

Another alternative is to plan a family get-together - don't leave it up to siblings to decide whether or not, or when to come. Plan something that could get them over to visit with your mother but make it a family event so your mother can see more than just one at the same time.
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Garden Artist--you have a good memory! Yep, the one sis was 100% opposed to the surgery, yet never saw Mother, just expressed her feelings through emails. The other one just maybe is too busy, I don't know. They never call or see me either, I have to initiate calls and/or communications.
I'm not a fan of guilting people....I wish they'd just CARE. And I know they do, but they don't make the time. Like I said, my brother did grace her with 15 minutes last week. Mother was ecstatic.
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You cannot make someone care. Either they care or they don't. When parents get old or when other crises arise, people can either rise to the occasion or show their selfishness. I know someone who is an activist in the pro-life / family values movement but gives her mother minimal attention and refuses to talk to her siblings. When put to the test, some people fail miserably. Tell your siblings that they are needed then leave it at that.
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Has your mom always been the type to wait for them to make contact instead of picking up the phone herself? I ask because it is a dynamic I see playing out in my sister's in-laws family. Her MIL pines for contact with the others, but they all feel that the phone works both ways, and if she was really interested in their lives or their children she could make an effort to reach out, and she NEVER has. Sometimes you reap what you sew.
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You cannot force them to "care" - there is always one person who has to take the load while the others live their merry lives and do virtually nothing to help other than circle around like vultures when the old person is about to die waiting for a hand out. THEN they will show up and be all lovey-dovey and caring.
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I have this situation and I have just given up trying. My brother knows I am mad about it which has help to get him to at least call 1x per month but vistits are far between and he will never help with any of her care or appointments. Mom says the same thing that he is busy. Well, so am I, but I still own up to my duty because I care. It's hard as she acts like he is her favorite to. Always wanting him and so excited at anything he says. But I don't think it's favoritism as much as they miss the ones who aren't around so an extra fuss is made....as well as excuses. Kind of like little kids who always want the parent they can't have. Our parents want the children that don't come. It stinks and it's hard to not get hurt and angry but they will have the guilt when they mom dies. I won't.
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I took care of BOTH my parents by myself for five years. We moved them to be closer to me because I was the only one willing to take on the responsibility. Life changing event for me and I my own family for sure. Neither sibling did anything really. I asked for help, they both said no. One didn't have access to their money so that sibling thought they were justified not helping or visiting. The other was just lazy. So Dad passes away 6 months ago and now they care a little more about Mom. Whatever. Their conscience, not mine and I have no regrets. I was angry about it for a long time but now I am not. I let it go.

So I guess my answer is you cannot make them care. It is not your problem. Focus on your own relationship with your mother. And it's not your responsibility to "report" to them how your mother is doing either. If they cared even a little, they would get off their @ss and go see her. That's the reality of it. It's just not your problem. I know it is hard. Be strong and just love your Mom!

xo
-SS
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I agree with others here that you can't make them care. Let that idea go since it's out of your control. Such siblings have to have a change in attitude and that can only come from within. It can happen. My brother who was always AWOL for months on end (for years) and lives just 5 miles away has started coming by once a week to spend time with mom so my husband and I can have an evening out. He came right out and told me that my husband and I had 'done enough' and that he wanted to do more. He is not waiting for a big inheritance because there isn't one and he knows it. So whatever change happened there, it came from within. As for my sister, who usually always came by a couple times a month anyway, I had to really spell things out for her last year (I think she lives life with blinders on much of the time) and got her to agree to spend every Sunday afternoon with mom. So, as Trevor said, you can tell your siblings they are needed and leave it at that. Cwillie mentions that mom could make contact rather than wait. I agree; in my case, I have to say to mom: "Hey, let's call xyz" and she says "ok," and I dial for her, hand her the phone, and she chats with them. You may want to try that. I think elderly people can lose their ability to be proactive. Their sense of time can also be warped. They increasingly isolate themselves socially for a variety of reasons and increasingly need help and direction. This is normal and younger people need to be educated about that. A friend of mine was complaining that her 90-yr-old aunt never calls or writes her. I had to laugh. These folks are just happy when they wake up in the morning. I told her not to take offense and to be the one who writes and calls. She'll never have any regrets once the aunt is gone. One last thought I have: Take a little video clip of mom on your cellphone and send it to the siblings. Let them see how mom has deteriorated. Sometimes they really need the visual to grasp what is happening.
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Another prespective. Have you asked your siblings if there is an issue why they do not want to visit? Especially if, as you say, you 'know you aren't the favorite and that's ok." Is it ok? Life isn't great for the favorite or least favorite. It is painful for both.

I can't imagine with everyone so close that only you visit regularly, without a major underlying issue.

Neither me nor my siblings live anywhere near our parents. Our parents moved about as far away from all of us as possible. They refuse to move near any of their children and will not travel to visit family. Period. They think where they live is everyone's end all, be all vacation spots...

None of their children are near retirement age and we all still have kids at home. There are major passive-aggressive games and family dynamics at play, that the parents continually deny while they are acting them out.

The child who wants to be favored, dotes as much as possible, doing everything our parents ask and harrassing the other siblings about visits and calls, at the request of the parents. They take the 3,000 miles trip at least twice a year, but leave spouse and kids at home.

I think our parents are fine with only seeing their adult children because they have never shown an interest in their grandchildren and have only ever criticized their children's spouses to their other children.(Two siblings and I have compared notes on this.)

For us with younger children and another set of grandparents in other states, it is almost impossible to meet the standards our parents expect. They still see themselves as our only family and can't understand why we don't all fall in line with their plans for us.

Every time the other siblings dip their toe in the water for a happy medium, it quickly escalates to a frenzy, being asked to drop everything on a moments notice to satify a whim. While the doting sibling still hopes to even be recognized for their effort. The parents know that the doting sibling will drop everything, even their family to cater to them. They keep pushing to get that show of devotion from the rest of us. No amount of open discussion or Pavlovian training seems to help.
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Like previous posts you cannot MAKE someone care - they either do or they don't. BUT if they don't help then they don't get a say either when it comes to the care you give. The worst type of sibling is the one who won't visit, doesn't call yet the second you do something they don't like then they create merry hell. So a polite e-mail asking them what precise care they are planning to offer and specify that if they make that decision you will be relying on them to honour it every week/month/year. If they come back and say you're doing a great job just keep us updated then it's over to you - if you want to caregiver that is!

You will need all your strength to give care - it's not easy so stay strong make the tough decisions and tell em once you're back on an even keel again. Some family members are just plain selfish and look for the easy life ALL THE DAMNED TIME. Get used to it because it won't change I am afraid sweetheart, but don't let them interfere.
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My heart bleeds when I hear about neglected parents. I'm taking care of my 97 year old mom for 8 years now. From the start, I asked my siblings to contribute financially since they will not be taking care of her. And so, equally divided among themselves, they never missed giving their share. My 2 siblings are residing in the USA while my other 2 siblings are here in the nearby city. My other sibling is 100kms away from us. We live in the Philippines. My 2 siblings who are in the USA make it a point to see and talk to our mom via the internet, either Facebook, Viber or Skype, once every month or every 2 months. This is their way of connecting with our mom. My other 2 siblings in the Philippines visit her any day they have a chance. Every Sunday my other sibling and I bring our mom to places where we can enjoy the weekend, usually to the malls. Everybody has a role in showing his/her love for our mom, making our mom happy, and nobody's complaining.
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true. you can't force someone to care or help. so focus on all the blessings you have in your special situation. myself I have written my family off. they are not my family anymore. my father is 89 with advance dementia and even tho he's in a n. home, he needs lots of extra care that the facility does not provide. when I ask for help as I struggle to keep a pt job, not one of my two siblings is available. and when they do visit, the spotlight is always on the things I have done wrong and how inept I am--instead of showing love for the man that raised them. but my dad is a sweetheart and that's where I find my source of happiness to have all this extra time with him, knowing we have a special bond my siblings will never know. hope this helps. it's not easy.
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I also think some people just can't handle the thought of seeing their parents in such a bad way. But the time will come when they wish they had taken the little bit of time each month to call or visit. No one likes to see older people suffering, leaning over to the side, blank stares in their eyes, etc. but some of us can handle that and others can't. Just like some people can be nurses and deal with all kind of tragic/disgusting encounters, others might just pass out (so good thing they aren't nurses)........do the best you can and when you mom asks you about the siblings, just say I guess they are okay. there is not much you can do to make others care. its their loss.......not yours.
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You will never get anyone else to do something. Your siblings have their own reasons for not visiting, so let them be. It is up to them to visit and if they do not that will be what they will have to live with, but you are doing your best to visit, so continue. I had the same situation, and there is nothing more you can do. (This age range does not talk on the phone well).
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I can appreciate your frustrations. I am dealing with the same situation. One sibling lives about 8 miles away and the other lives about 5 hours away. There is nothing that any of us can do, to make the siblings "care" and I have come to terms with that, so I do everything for Dad. As ferris 1 said, "This age range does not talk on the phone well".....my Dad has never liked talking on the phone. The sibling that lives close, will stop to see Dad once a week/2 weeks, but the other sibling basically nothing. I will take care of Dad myself and won't expect any kind of help from my siblings....just like it's been. I'm sure that they will both be there when Dad passes....I can guarantee you of that!
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Midkid - (((HUGS))) Sadly, you cannot or will not be able to persuade them to care, to visit. I have gone through the same thing over the last 8 years or so. One sister hadn't seen or spoken to my mom in 6 years (except at step dad's funeral). She couldn't deal with her decline. This sister dies last summer.

My other sister had to be coerced into coming to fix her food and check on her on the weekend. She is very resentful of me and can be quite nasty when I ask for a little more help from her. I do not communicate with her anymore. Her excuse was she has 4 kids (all in their 20's 2 of whom are married) and she works full time. So, she only pops in for a minute or two and leaves. So I could have a break and take care of my home and my own family.

My brother pops in after work to fix her food and leaves. Until last week, I was the one and only who spent time with her and noticed health issues, etc. I have been shut out of her care and my brother has turned her against me - for now. They want to keep my mom at home, but don't want to put in the time it will take.

If they will not help, don't allow them to make any decisions concerning your mom's care. Keep them informed if you wish, but brush off any criticisms and or "helpful" suggestions.

This is so hard all the way around. (((HUGS)))
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I know this question was geared to the siblings. Let me share the spouse feelings and the kids don't do what the siblings have or should be doing as has been written. I had surgery and had been doing 24/7 till 9/14. I have kept the kids informed of how their Mother and I are doing. Mother has vascular dementia and numerous other health issues. Well, Mother is now in ALF and has been doing fine with my help and the staff. As a retired RN I have had her call to tell me about this or that - I ask her to tell the staff and then she is more or less okay. I right now live across the hall from her and will for some time because of the surgery I had. NO driving and other things. I have kept the kids informed but I believe that maybe I have been enabling them to not call or visit their mother except for the one who is furthest away. Yes, the closest one has her own issues and did come to be with me at the hospital and then went to spend the time with Mother. Bless her - she also brought me to the ALF. The one furthest away calls faithfully. I believe that I will not update them much anymore since they seem to not need it much. Is this what a Godly Christian man/spouse should do? It is up to each individual to come before God in Heaven and do what is right according to HIM and HIS Word.
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I really dont think you can make them do anything. If they wanted to help, you wouldn't have to ask. Most people dont want to deal with their
elderly parents because 1)its alot of
work, 2) they have children, 3)or the
BIGGEST one is they never had good
relationships with their parents so
they made a decision along time ago
that they wouldn't be bothered. My
husband sister's do this exact same thing to their mother. They gossip, make up stories and always have an
opinion about their mother's care but
NEVER ask how they can help. They all have bigger homes, more time and
ALL of their kids are grown where as
our kids are 16, 7 &3.(we dont have
time for her) It is so unfair that I have
stopped speaking to them. I am sure
if their mother had something to gain
financially, they would all have a hand
out pretending to care. My opinion is
to try and seek help through the state
so you wont get burned out.
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Wish I had a answer but unfortunately that is a problem that way too many of us face. Don't try to guilt them because it won't work and only cause hard feelings.I know it's hard but try not to dwell on it ,that only builds resentment and solves nothing.
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My point is about your siblings. It's my step children who are not involved. Distance is a part of the issue, but yes, the phones work fine. However, I am trying to work with them using Skype (which is free). I can arrange a time to set up a call. Then, after connecting my computer, I will have my husband sit and talk and see who he is speaking to. The benefit is they see him as well. If the grandkids think it's fun the parents might be more involved. For those of you dealing with siblings, do they have children who are losing contact with their grandparent. I'm not suggesting that you be devious. I am suggesting that reaching out to nieces and nephews, whatever their ages, can be a way of reaching your siblings. Using technology can help your parent feel they've had more of a visit.
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Try to urge your siblings to know the importance of a loving, caring, sharing attitude in theses last years, months, weeks and or days of your Mothers life here on earth! Try to love, care and share your thoughts with why you think it is important that they make more effort to make regular visits or calls. Ask them what there feeling are to see if they will open up there hearts but don't offer unsolicited advice. You do your loving best and maybe that will generate more fondness in there spirit to want to come see mom! You can't force them but you can pray for them!
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I am going thru this with my Dad. He is 82 and just came out of rehab. My siblings
do what they can, but because I decided to take a semi-retirement, they assume that I should have to do 90 percent of caring for Dad. Its difficult when I am trying to find work in this economy, and have to use what retirement I have to survive, (I'm only 60). All I can say is that when your Mom is no longer with you all, your conscious will be clear, but it may hit your siblings harder than they realize. Be strong, you have something more valuable than any inheritance or money itself and that is a caring attitude toward loved ones. I liken it to a ball game, when the going gets tough, we don't hide in the tug-out, but gladly step up to the plate for our loved ones.
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Well, I tend to agree that you can't make them care, but I know it's terrible to see your parent so sad at not hearing from your siblings. We had a similar situations with my Dad. One brother made a point to call Dad every night, and that was a help, but the others...not so much. Once Dad was in the dementia care facility, it was difficult for even the one who called nightly to do that. So I started placing the calls for Dad. (Like the others mentioned, he was the type who would never have done it himself.) I would call one of my brothers just as I was getting to Dad's place. As I entered the room, I would greet Dad, and say "Hi Dad, Guess who just called to check on you. It's Denny. Here's the phone, why don't you tell him how you're doing yourself." Then I would go about getting us some coffee while Dad talked on the phone. The brother did not correct the impression that he had called, and Dad wasn't on-the-ball enough to realize that the call came from me, not to me. Sometimes as I was ending my visit with Dad, I would tell him that one of my brothers had been trying to call him, and we should check to see if the phone is working right; then dial their number and let them talk as I headed home. ...Sure it was all a little dishonest, and made the brothers seem more attentive than they were, but it made an old man feel better, so I was OK with that..
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Hmmm....interesting! My brother and I care for my father...he 'always' asks us where his other son is....because he stopped coming over. I use to get upset and took it personally too. BUT, I learned that my dad asks for me, when I'm not around...my other brother when he's not around...so the point is...if your sibling was visiting your mom more often and you weren't....she would be asking them where you were!!! So, don't take it personally, I'm sure she loves you dearly!!
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This way madness lies, Midkid. Stop trying. Forget it. Not your problem. You will, I promise you, go out of your mind not worrying, not criticising, not arguing but just wondering WHY your three siblings are oblivious to their mother. It'll drive you bananas. And there almost certainly isn't a real answer, just a vague jumble of self-justifications, procrastinations, alternative priorities, events, busy-ness, whatever. And at the end of it - they ignore her because they can.

My mother regularly asked me if I'd spoken to the younger of my brothers (right up until he started slipping her mind altogether, that is). Did I ever? Had we ever been ones to stay in touch? No. Daft question, really, but that didn't stop her asking.

I know it feels as if she cares more about the 'ones that got away' but honestly it isn't like that. It's just that she must feel their absence and it brings them to mind - you she can rely on, so she doesn't need to ask.

So, you can give her an honest but cheerful answer along the lines of "nope, no idea what they're up to - they're not great at staying in touch, I'm afraid."

Or, you can make it up: "Fred moved to Australia, Anne I'm not sure but I heard rumours about witness protection and Joe was last seen poking a bear with a stick." I'm not recommending this, by the way, unless it's for your own amusement.

Chin up. And recite into the mirror often: You Are Not Responsible For Other People's Behaviour.
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Yes, suggest a nice potluck at Thanksgiving which is just around the corner. Then hold a family meeting about how she is declining. Talk about what the plans are for her, like acute care needs, burial, living will, advanced directives, & how they all feel about the last days.
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You can't make anyone else do something; just like no one can make you do something. Please come to accept this & be at peace with it. It will make your life a whole heck of a lot less stressful.

I used to get annoyed when Mom talked about my siblings all the time -- those that visited & those that didn't. Then I found out that Mom was doing the same thing to all of them as well -- talking about the other siblings. We realized it was her way of contributing to the conversation & feeling like that she had some control over something -- anything -- even if it was just a piece of a conversation.

Let it go & try to enjoy the visits you have with her. Because there will come a time when you will wish you had just 1 more of those visits. Sending you thoughts of peace.
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Hold a family meeting, that's what I did! Tell them the meeting is to devise a plan to help your brother, because the load is so uneven. Also tell them you'd like to figure out a plan to make the remaining time in your mother life as nice as can be for her. My siblings took turns (once a week) bringing over dinners to eat with her, we sat in the dinning room and made each meal special. The siblings may even come up with some great ideas themselves. Take notes and send out an email afterward so they don't forget. If they won't meet, then you will really know what kind of siblings you have, the rotten selfish type!
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Wow-so many great answers, thanks you all. I am definitely not the only one with this family dynamic going on.
No, Mother NEVER initiates phone calls. I imagine she's called me 5-6 times in the past 10 years and ALL of those calls have been b/c somebody she knew had died. She doesn't call ANY of the sibs, not even the one she lives with!! She will literally wait for him or one of his kids to pop their heads into her place and then she says "Oh, while you're here..." I don't get it. If I need one of my kids, I call. I talk to each of my 5 kids once or twice a week and see the in-state ones as often as time allows--being "there" for their kids ( & my amazing grandkids is MY greatest joy in life!) and we travel each year to the ones who live out of state.
I do think that the out of touch sibs simply don't think. Mom was a really "uninvolved mother" and probably shouldn't even have had kids, she'd always been very self absorbed....and that has come back to haunt her. She wasn't a big part of our lives, growing up, and now she's sadly seeing the aftereffects. Her "favorite" kid was my oldest brother who passed away 2 years ago. She had not seen him for almost 12 years.
What I plan to do is simply go se her as I have been, do what I can and if the sibs care, they'll make an effort. The all DO feel guilty, but obviously not enough to do anything. I'm sure my youngest sister, who was AWOL while daddy was dying, will absolutely lose it when mother goes. You'd have thought she'd learn, but after using mother for endless loans and emotional support through 3 divorces and countless dramas, that she'd be more present. There's nothing to inherit, it having been squandered by the oldest and youngest kids, so after she passes, we'll just kind of split up what's left and move on.
Even knowing I am not the "favorite"--a stupid term, really, I know she loves me at some level...I feel a sense of duty and I do love this woman. I don't feel really connected to her, there's so much bad history and so much neglect from my childhood--that affects me to this day. I am forgiving her and trying to help her have quality of life. Not going to attempt to "guilt the sibs"...this really isn't my problem. If Mother won't call them, then she's 50% at fault.
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To" ilove mom2
I DID try to get the sibs together for an hour, several times, to talk about Mother's care and to facilitate exactly this kind of thing. NOT ONE OF THEM was interested. They wouldn't even take an hour to talk about her care. So, OK, I got the message. Even the brother with whom she lives with said that this kind of a mtg wasn't necessary. OK, well, he kind of IS in charge. Also, I know he doesn't want the rest of the sibs to know how much he bebfits financially from having mother lives with them. Personally, I don't care that she's paying the cable, gas & power bills. Also pays my brother for "chauffeuring" her. He deserves it. And none of the other sibs would care, either. But when even he said "nope" to any kind on "all hands" mtg, I knew not to pursue anything like a scheduled visitation routine. Good idea, for another family!!
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