My 85 yo mother lives with my brother and his family in a separate apartment. My brother takes the lion's share of care of Mother. She is going downhill, steadily, can walk with a walker, does get out twice a week to the Sr. Center., but the rest of the time she's home, watching TV or doing puzzles. I live close to her and see her 2-3 times a week and help as much as she'll allow, but the truth is, she really wants to see the 3 siblings that never come to visit her. Every time I go, she'll ask politely how my family is and then ask me about ALL the other sibs and their kids and the grandkids. I am sick at heart that my sisters don't even pick up the phone once a month. My brother lives only 3 miles from her and he hasn't seen her since Christmas, nor called her. I did talk to each of these sibs last week and told them that she is really quite lonely and could they take time to just drop by? Brother did feel horribly guilty and stopped by for 15 last week, between a wedding and the reception. The other 2 sisters haven't seen her in months, probably, since Christmas also. When I go up, I always feel like Mother really wishes it was one of the other kids. I'm not the favorite, and that's OK...but how do I encourage my sibs to take some time for her? She's not going to be with us a lot longer--and while I am at peace with that, I think my sisters are going to be shocked to see how much she has deteriorated since Christmas. Distance is no excuse--the furthest one away from her is only 8 miles away! Mother always says "Oh they just are so busy!" (One sister just returned from a 10 day golf trip.....) I'm baffled here, don't want to guilt them, but would love to see them spend one day once a month with her. (Yes, she could call them , but she has never been that kind of mother, we have to initiate--so don't suggest she call them, she won't) Any ideas?
And yes, I am a middle kid--sort of, 3rd of 6, so there are actually 2 middles.
You inspire me (but I have already been ziplining and I know how to ski!!) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
As far as trying to organize something...well, I tried to do a summer party and it was not well received....we couldn't land on a date for everyone so we gave up. We do a Christmas party and some of the family show up. And stay maybe half hour....Mother did sort of bring this on herself, by choosing 3 favorites (and we know who they are)..and by pretty much ignoring the 3 not-so-amazing kids. (actually, I AM pretty amazing!). Behavior like that comes back to bite you. Mother STILL refers to my deceased brother as "the Genius", my younger brother as "The Golden Boy" and my baby sister as "The Miracle Child". We are all in our 50's and 60's..it's kind of ridiculous. When introduced to one of Mother's new friends, she said "Oh who are you?" and I said, "I'm the fat funny one with emotional issues" and she said, "Oh, Ok, you're B----". Yup, 59 years old and still carrying the label from when I was 5. I am not going to even bring this issue up again with the 3 non involved sibs. No point at all. They know where she is, they know she's in poor and getting worse, health and if they don't want to see her, then they won't. She won't call them--so we're at a total stalemate.
Good luck and keep sane.
Then after she gets home they talked and said I was the cause for them almost getting a divorce. I left. haven't spoken since. just to 17 yr old granddaughter- only when they let her use her phone. I know now that she was playing the quilt and I fell for it But it only takes a child to blame you for something when your helping then My feeling got hurt and while everyone says pat yourself on back for doing as a mother does well that does not help- say she'll come around and see him for what he is- She didn't the first time Everyone says he married her for her money ##OK I 'm off track but Get the message that kids do the things we don't like and nothing## but its up to them also to make the first move.
I know these feelings are terrible for us who feel them, and we do need to shed them; but I have no idea how you make them go away. I suppose we'll just have to keep working on it?
I really, really try to "let it go" and rise above the resentment, but it's SO HARD. I only know that when Mom leaves this world, I will know I have done the best I could for my Mom. I truly hope the guilt eats up my sister, but at this point, I don't know if anything really fazes her anymore. She uses "baby talk" as a crutch/excuse to not deal with life. Background: Sis had a mild, and I mean EXTREMELY MILD stroke 8 years ago and has taken now to use "baby talk" all the time. Before anyone says, "Oh that could be a side effect from the stroke", let me tell you, when she is speaking to a stranger (or even some distant family members in a conversation) about something important, she very conveniently starts talking "normal" -- the baby talk disappears. Then she "catches" herself and reverts to the baby talk again. Uh, huh. Yeah, right. Keep playing up the "poor me" routine so you justify not talking, visiting or doing ANYTHING for our failing mother. Sis has been living with her adult single daughter since 2006 -- PRE stroke -- (when she was 52 years old) and uses this invalid "act" of hers to guilt others (especially her daughter) into taking care of her and not stepping up to get involved in our Mom's life/care. Yes, Sis drives herself when she wants to go somewhere, she can make and cook her own food, read books on her Kindle, watch TV, and then basically plays games on the computer all day long. Oh, but she doesn't have time to visit/call Mom 1/4 mile away. So, am I resentful? You bet I am! UGH!!
I've given up. The worst part is -- I am frustrated that I can't be happy knowing that I'M doing the right thing by Mom -- that's my mental anguish. Sick, isn't it?
Maybe it could be at a restaurant they really like. I bet your mom could perk up for that. A buffet can be a good choice. You can eat right away plus they know it is easier to leave a restaurant. I guess there is a question if they would come if it was pay your own way, but maybe you could find some specials or two for one coupons. If there are teens and kids try to think of a restaurant they would like or some kind of activity for them to adjourn to if bored. Or maybe they could just play with their phones. Some bowling alleys have restaurants. Maybe it could be a cookout near a lake and the kids could rent boats or watercrafts afterwards.
Try to have a reasonable time frame so it doesn't drag on, but have a draw to lure people in.
Also the trendy new restaurant or the restaurant overlooking a lake etc. could be fun. Try to think of something that as many people can enjoy as possible. Many people don't like to visit older people but most everyone likes to eat and have fun.
i go every day, or at least 5-6 times a week. i'm still trying to get the basement flood reno finished and the house back in order. i've postponed my spinal nerve blocks because i don't have time. Yep, added pain, but they don't care about my physical probs either. i keep the one sis up to date [she is curt and short when i call] and even let mom use my cell phone at the Rehab/NH to call her. Sis sometimes cuts her off ['gotta go'] - or i know she lets it go to voice, even tho i told sis i'd have Mom call her [there's no phone service at the Rehab/NH]. So if Mom's depressed, in pain, out of her familiar surroundings, strangers coming and going -- how can she possible heal from her surgery? She's stopped eating, and ... not to hijack the thread, but the sis chastised me for Mom's lack of progress at PT. Mom's scared witless, i'm sure! i would be ... and she pines for my bro - an unnatural death. So when encouraging her to eat/drink - she refuses, is seemingly repulsed by food. She spits a small bite out right in my face, but when my sis shows up, she eats and swallows 3 small bites of a canned pear from the meal tray.
i bought her a yogurt/fruit parfait she said "you eat it.": i said - "i will, i bought two, so we could each have one. She ate 1 blueberry, but refused to go outside or get out of that bed. She needs the sunshine, too [it was a beautiful day, sunny, no wind].
So, i'll take the pain/emotional darts/insults if i must. i just wish sis would show up so Mom would eat ... even if it's 1/2 tsp of food.
But i've learned to not offer excuses to Mom: i'm not responsible for their choices. i try to steer the conversation [i'm grateful for the alert moments that she's not sleeping] into asking about PT, does she want to take a ride [wheelchair] to the community room [tv and company]. Although she declines activity, she will start to talk about the flowers i brought from the garden. i'm not sure if she forgot about asking about my sisters or not ... but she takes that angst out on me: i kiss her forehead goodnight, and she says she hates me. It won't stop me from visiting or loving her though.
I DID try to get the sibs together for an hour, several times, to talk about Mother's care and to facilitate exactly this kind of thing. NOT ONE OF THEM was interested. They wouldn't even take an hour to talk about her care. So, OK, I got the message. Even the brother with whom she lives with said that this kind of a mtg wasn't necessary. OK, well, he kind of IS in charge. Also, I know he doesn't want the rest of the sibs to know how much he bebfits financially from having mother lives with them. Personally, I don't care that she's paying the cable, gas & power bills. Also pays my brother for "chauffeuring" her. He deserves it. And none of the other sibs would care, either. But when even he said "nope" to any kind on "all hands" mtg, I knew not to pursue anything like a scheduled visitation routine. Good idea, for another family!!
No, Mother NEVER initiates phone calls. I imagine she's called me 5-6 times in the past 10 years and ALL of those calls have been b/c somebody she knew had died. She doesn't call ANY of the sibs, not even the one she lives with!! She will literally wait for him or one of his kids to pop their heads into her place and then she says "Oh, while you're here..." I don't get it. If I need one of my kids, I call. I talk to each of my 5 kids once or twice a week and see the in-state ones as often as time allows--being "there" for their kids ( & my amazing grandkids is MY greatest joy in life!) and we travel each year to the ones who live out of state.
I do think that the out of touch sibs simply don't think. Mom was a really "uninvolved mother" and probably shouldn't even have had kids, she'd always been very self absorbed....and that has come back to haunt her. She wasn't a big part of our lives, growing up, and now she's sadly seeing the aftereffects. Her "favorite" kid was my oldest brother who passed away 2 years ago. She had not seen him for almost 12 years.
What I plan to do is simply go se her as I have been, do what I can and if the sibs care, they'll make an effort. The all DO feel guilty, but obviously not enough to do anything. I'm sure my youngest sister, who was AWOL while daddy was dying, will absolutely lose it when mother goes. You'd have thought she'd learn, but after using mother for endless loans and emotional support through 3 divorces and countless dramas, that she'd be more present. There's nothing to inherit, it having been squandered by the oldest and youngest kids, so after she passes, we'll just kind of split up what's left and move on.
Even knowing I am not the "favorite"--a stupid term, really, I know she loves me at some level...I feel a sense of duty and I do love this woman. I don't feel really connected to her, there's so much bad history and so much neglect from my childhood--that affects me to this day. I am forgiving her and trying to help her have quality of life. Not going to attempt to "guilt the sibs"...this really isn't my problem. If Mother won't call them, then she's 50% at fault.
I used to get annoyed when Mom talked about my siblings all the time -- those that visited & those that didn't. Then I found out that Mom was doing the same thing to all of them as well -- talking about the other siblings. We realized it was her way of contributing to the conversation & feeling like that she had some control over something -- anything -- even if it was just a piece of a conversation.
Let it go & try to enjoy the visits you have with her. Because there will come a time when you will wish you had just 1 more of those visits. Sending you thoughts of peace.
My mother regularly asked me if I'd spoken to the younger of my brothers (right up until he started slipping her mind altogether, that is). Did I ever? Had we ever been ones to stay in touch? No. Daft question, really, but that didn't stop her asking.
I know it feels as if she cares more about the 'ones that got away' but honestly it isn't like that. It's just that she must feel their absence and it brings them to mind - you she can rely on, so she doesn't need to ask.
So, you can give her an honest but cheerful answer along the lines of "nope, no idea what they're up to - they're not great at staying in touch, I'm afraid."
Or, you can make it up: "Fred moved to Australia, Anne I'm not sure but I heard rumours about witness protection and Joe was last seen poking a bear with a stick." I'm not recommending this, by the way, unless it's for your own amusement.
Chin up. And recite into the mirror often: You Are Not Responsible For Other People's Behaviour.