My 85 yo mother lives with my brother and his family in a separate apartment. My brother takes the lion's share of care of Mother. She is going downhill, steadily, can walk with a walker, does get out twice a week to the Sr. Center., but the rest of the time she's home, watching TV or doing puzzles. I live close to her and see her 2-3 times a week and help as much as she'll allow, but the truth is, she really wants to see the 3 siblings that never come to visit her. Every time I go, she'll ask politely how my family is and then ask me about ALL the other sibs and their kids and the grandkids. I am sick at heart that my sisters don't even pick up the phone once a month. My brother lives only 3 miles from her and he hasn't seen her since Christmas, nor called her. I did talk to each of these sibs last week and told them that she is really quite lonely and could they take time to just drop by? Brother did feel horribly guilty and stopped by for 15 last week, between a wedding and the reception. The other 2 sisters haven't seen her in months, probably, since Christmas also. When I go up, I always feel like Mother really wishes it was one of the other kids. I'm not the favorite, and that's OK...but how do I encourage my sibs to take some time for her? She's not going to be with us a lot longer--and while I am at peace with that, I think my sisters are going to be shocked to see how much she has deteriorated since Christmas. Distance is no excuse--the furthest one away from her is only 8 miles away! Mother always says "Oh they just are so busy!" (One sister just returned from a 10 day golf trip.....) I'm baffled here, don't want to guilt them, but would love to see them spend one day once a month with her. (Yes, she could call them , but she has never been that kind of mother, we have to initiate--so don't suggest she call them, she won't) Any ideas?
i go every day, or at least 5-6 times a week. i'm still trying to get the basement flood reno finished and the house back in order. i've postponed my spinal nerve blocks because i don't have time. Yep, added pain, but they don't care about my physical probs either. i keep the one sis up to date [she is curt and short when i call] and even let mom use my cell phone at the Rehab/NH to call her. Sis sometimes cuts her off ['gotta go'] - or i know she lets it go to voice, even tho i told sis i'd have Mom call her [there's no phone service at the Rehab/NH]. So if Mom's depressed, in pain, out of her familiar surroundings, strangers coming and going -- how can she possible heal from her surgery? She's stopped eating, and ... not to hijack the thread, but the sis chastised me for Mom's lack of progress at PT. Mom's scared witless, i'm sure! i would be ... and she pines for my bro - an unnatural death. So when encouraging her to eat/drink - she refuses, is seemingly repulsed by food. She spits a small bite out right in my face, but when my sis shows up, she eats and swallows 3 small bites of a canned pear from the meal tray.
i bought her a yogurt/fruit parfait she said "you eat it.": i said - "i will, i bought two, so we could each have one. She ate 1 blueberry, but refused to go outside or get out of that bed. She needs the sunshine, too [it was a beautiful day, sunny, no wind].
So, i'll take the pain/emotional darts/insults if i must. i just wish sis would show up so Mom would eat ... even if it's 1/2 tsp of food.
But i've learned to not offer excuses to Mom: i'm not responsible for their choices. i try to steer the conversation [i'm grateful for the alert moments that she's not sleeping] into asking about PT, does she want to take a ride [wheelchair] to the community room [tv and company]. Although she declines activity, she will start to talk about the flowers i brought from the garden. i'm not sure if she forgot about asking about my sisters or not ... but she takes that angst out on me: i kiss her forehead goodnight, and she says she hates me. It won't stop me from visiting or loving her though.
Maybe it could be at a restaurant they really like. I bet your mom could perk up for that. A buffet can be a good choice. You can eat right away plus they know it is easier to leave a restaurant. I guess there is a question if they would come if it was pay your own way, but maybe you could find some specials or two for one coupons. If there are teens and kids try to think of a restaurant they would like or some kind of activity for them to adjourn to if bored. Or maybe they could just play with their phones. Some bowling alleys have restaurants. Maybe it could be a cookout near a lake and the kids could rent boats or watercrafts afterwards.
Try to have a reasonable time frame so it doesn't drag on, but have a draw to lure people in.
Also the trendy new restaurant or the restaurant overlooking a lake etc. could be fun. Try to think of something that as many people can enjoy as possible. Many people don't like to visit older people but most everyone likes to eat and have fun.
I really, really try to "let it go" and rise above the resentment, but it's SO HARD. I only know that when Mom leaves this world, I will know I have done the best I could for my Mom. I truly hope the guilt eats up my sister, but at this point, I don't know if anything really fazes her anymore. She uses "baby talk" as a crutch/excuse to not deal with life. Background: Sis had a mild, and I mean EXTREMELY MILD stroke 8 years ago and has taken now to use "baby talk" all the time. Before anyone says, "Oh that could be a side effect from the stroke", let me tell you, when she is speaking to a stranger (or even some distant family members in a conversation) about something important, she very conveniently starts talking "normal" -- the baby talk disappears. Then she "catches" herself and reverts to the baby talk again. Uh, huh. Yeah, right. Keep playing up the "poor me" routine so you justify not talking, visiting or doing ANYTHING for our failing mother. Sis has been living with her adult single daughter since 2006 -- PRE stroke -- (when she was 52 years old) and uses this invalid "act" of hers to guilt others (especially her daughter) into taking care of her and not stepping up to get involved in our Mom's life/care. Yes, Sis drives herself when she wants to go somewhere, she can make and cook her own food, read books on her Kindle, watch TV, and then basically plays games on the computer all day long. Oh, but she doesn't have time to visit/call Mom 1/4 mile away. So, am I resentful? You bet I am! UGH!!
I've given up. The worst part is -- I am frustrated that I can't be happy knowing that I'M doing the right thing by Mom -- that's my mental anguish. Sick, isn't it?
I know these feelings are terrible for us who feel them, and we do need to shed them; but I have no idea how you make them go away. I suppose we'll just have to keep working on it?
Then after she gets home they talked and said I was the cause for them almost getting a divorce. I left. haven't spoken since. just to 17 yr old granddaughter- only when they let her use her phone. I know now that she was playing the quilt and I fell for it But it only takes a child to blame you for something when your helping then My feeling got hurt and while everyone says pat yourself on back for doing as a mother does well that does not help- say she'll come around and see him for what he is- She didn't the first time Everyone says he married her for her money ##OK I 'm off track but Get the message that kids do the things we don't like and nothing## but its up to them also to make the first move.
Good luck and keep sane.
As far as trying to organize something...well, I tried to do a summer party and it was not well received....we couldn't land on a date for everyone so we gave up. We do a Christmas party and some of the family show up. And stay maybe half hour....Mother did sort of bring this on herself, by choosing 3 favorites (and we know who they are)..and by pretty much ignoring the 3 not-so-amazing kids. (actually, I AM pretty amazing!). Behavior like that comes back to bite you. Mother STILL refers to my deceased brother as "the Genius", my younger brother as "The Golden Boy" and my baby sister as "The Miracle Child". We are all in our 50's and 60's..it's kind of ridiculous. When introduced to one of Mother's new friends, she said "Oh who are you?" and I said, "I'm the fat funny one with emotional issues" and she said, "Oh, Ok, you're B----". Yup, 59 years old and still carrying the label from when I was 5. I am not going to even bring this issue up again with the 3 non involved sibs. No point at all. They know where she is, they know she's in poor and getting worse, health and if they don't want to see her, then they won't. She won't call them--so we're at a total stalemate.
And yes, I am a middle kid--sort of, 3rd of 6, so there are actually 2 middles.
You inspire me (but I have already been ziplining and I know how to ski!!) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!