My 86 yr old Mom still writes her own checks and oversees her bank accounts (I know it's ridiculous; she refuses to relinquish control and she cannot be declared 'incompetent' per California state law even though she has dementia,
She doesn't drive so when AL can't take her she'll ask me to deposit a monthly check she receives for $400. I don't keep the receipts the bank gives to me (there is just no need) and she requests that I make a copy of the check that I deposit- again no need. My Mom is a paper freak- keeps literally everything- her place is cluttered with paper - she can't find things because of it and when I do help clean up she accuses me of throwing important papers out (which I don't - I trash the gazillions of solicitations she receives and the expired promotions for Macys & kohls). I told her I was saving all this bank crap to get her off my back; and said that I didn't feel compelled to give it to her because she has enough paper! I know I shouldn't have lied but I did and well here I am two weeks later with a voicemail from her asking for the receipts and such! What do I say????? This is so stupid- 50yrs old thinking about how to get myself out of a situation with my mom!
Clarise should be fired too!
Can we be fired if we're not getting paid? I guess so, hope so, soon would be good.
I keep NO bank deposit slips; everything is online,and can be printed off if necessary. Can you get set up with online banking? Direct deposits, and online copies of all checks? Could you get someone at the bank to explain it to Mom?
If you deposit money in a machine the receipt will show the amount you claim to be depositing. But I know from experience that you may get a correction letter from the bank saying your account was credited $49.38 based on your input, but they found the deposit to be $49.83, and they are crediting the difference to your account.
Keep all the paper you want. No problem by me. But, please, stop being so judgmental about someone who has a different attitude and different behavior patterns. Clarise asked for advice on how to get out of a jam she got herself into. She didn't need her motives or her competence questioned.
Early in his dementia my husband went through a very paranoid period, especially about money. One day I have him the full bank statement and asked if he wanted me to go over it with him. No, he could do it himself. And he did -- with the papers upside down!
If you are dealing with someone not fully able to reason, you often have to come up with ways to satisfy them, even if they aren't efficient for you. Come here and vent!
I had a mom pretty much like your mom. Wanted all her financial i's dotted and t's crossed. In a million YEARS I wouldn't have disregarded her wishes as you did. Probably some passive-aggressive stuff going on.
WHO THROWS OUT DEPOSIT SLIPS??
Without either, you have no proof other than the checking account statement that the checks were deposited as your mother requested. And it's not impossible for banks to make mistakes.
I'm wondering why though is she receiving $400 checks while she's in AL. It would be easier and safer to have them deposited directly with the bank - then you don't have to deposit them.
By your definition, I would be a paper freak too because not only do I keep financial data, I keep legal data as well.
Your false statement that you were saving "bank crap to get [her] off [your] back" when you weren't doesn't really suggest to me that you're the best person to be handling any aspect of your mother's financial affairs. It may seem like a little white lie, but it's a lie nevertheless. There's a big difference between junk mail and legitimate financial data.
How do you get out of the mess you've made? You go to the bank and pay to get a duplicate receipt. And you pay for it yourself; don't take it out of your mother's account. It's your mother's money, not yours, and she has the right to have the receipts.
Frankly, I think there's something else going on here.
And I would discourage my mother from wanting them. But if I couldn't talk her out of it and that is what she wanted, I'd save them for her. Copying her check before depositing it? I think I would encourage auto deposits if that is at all possible. So she wants you to copy the check, deposit it, and save the receipt ... so she can compare them later? And catch the bank in a mistake? Lordy, what a pain when you've got a million other things to do!
For now, sit down with her and the bank statement and go over all the deposits with her. Tell her that you'll start keeping the receipts for her. Go with her to the office and ask if it is OK for her to bring her checks in to have them copied. Let her be responsible for that end of it. (At least that is what I would do. Or you could say, politely, that beggars can't be choosers, and you'll deposit her checks for her but you'll do it your way.)
And really work on the direct deposit angle!
Mom wanted me to run her to the bank every other day to make deposits and withdraw cash to give to me to run errands for her. She didn't believe in ATMs. I don't know how quickly your mom moves about, but my mom was slow as molasses in winter so any trip with her took 2x longer :) I just didn't have the patience for that on top of everything else. I was caring for her at home. It was a 24 hr job, so every task had to be done quickly & efficiently. I told her I needed an ATM card to make deposits for her and took her to the bank to get one. When I used the ATM to make deposits for her, I selected the 'receipt with copy of check image' option. Don't know if that's an option where you are - but it's nice. A scanned image of the check is on the receipt.
I think mom liked the junk mail addressed to her because she was losing responsibilities and it gave her something that was 'hers' - a feeling of worth? I can understand that. She had a small stack in her room and every now and then, I would pull a few from the bottom of the stack to throw out. She never noticed.
Caregiving is difficult. I tried to take her psychological needs in consideration and find methods that worked for both of us. Don't beat yourself up. Believe me; when she lies there dying - check receipts will no longer matter.
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