Mom is asking for bank receipts that I don't have. What do I do?

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Mom is asking for bank receipts that I don't have. What do I do?

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My 86 yr old Mom still writes her own checks and oversees her bank accounts (I know it's ridiculous; she refuses to relinquish control and she cannot be declared 'incompetent' per California state law even though she has dementia,

She doesn't drive so when AL can't take her she'll ask me to deposit a monthly check she receives for $400. I don't keep the receipts the bank gives to me (there is just no need) and she requests that I make a copy of the check that I deposit- again no need. My Mom is a paper freak- keeps literally everything- her place is cluttered with paper - she can't find things because of it and when I do help clean up she accuses me of throwing important papers out (which I don't - I trash the gazillions of solicitations she receives and the expired promotions for Macys & kohls). I told her I was saving all this bank crap to get her off my back; and said that I didn't feel compelled to give it to her because she has enough paper! I know I shouldn't have lied but I did and well here I am two weeks later with a voicemail from her asking for the receipts and such! What do I say????? This is so stupid- 50yrs old thinking about how to get myself out of a situation with my mom!

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Let's all try to apply The Fruit of the Spirit, Gentleness instead of the opposite, which is harshness. This site is a SUPPORT site, not "let's see who can tear down someone at the knees."

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I save all monthly bank deposite receipt transactions until i receive my bank statement to balance my checkbook. Then I will shred the deposit receipts. I keep the bank statements for five years then shred on a yearly basis.

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I agree with some of the responses but just not so harshly. I would check with the bank about the deposit slips. (Some banks now offer copies of checks and deposit slips online and you may be able to print off the copies that your Mother has requested. You should have told you Mother the truth and take the consequences of it. If she has requested you do these things - I would do it to "Keep the Peace" with her and maybe put the information in a folder system to keep it better organized. My mother was very picky about how I handle anything financial for her, but my mother did not have dementia - she just didn't trust me. I am now sure why other than I was the child and she was the parent. I ended up doing some things behind her back with money that she gave me. I kept it in a safe and I ended up pay for her funeral with that money. If I would not have been sneaky about the money. My husband and I would have been financially ruined, because she did not want to think about the end of life things, such as funeral expenses and final expenses. Sometimes you have to be sneaky to protect yourself. Good luck to you.

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I don't keep bank deposit slips and I deposit via ATM. The record of deposits and withdrawals is all online and in your bank statement. I do not see the need of keeping duplicates. Your mother seems to be rather obsessive about paper but according to your profile she does not have dementia. Have you ever considered the possibility of an evaluation? Often financial matters are the first place developing dementia shows. I think I would sit down with her and explain that your time and energy is limited and describe what you are prepared to do and not do. Also explain to her that the deposit is recorded at the bank so her bank statements will show time and amount of deposit. I would work with her to get all transactions, like the deposits, automated as far as possible . Personally, if my mother started at me about how I handle her banking I would suggest to her, kindly but firmly that if she did not trust me that she find someone else to do who has the time to do it her way and that she should be prepared to pay that person. I think you are entitled to set some boundaries in the use of your time and should be able to call some of the shots. You are her daughter, but you are not a child, and as a parent ages the care giver has to take over more and more responsibility, and in some cases, not act just to please the parent. My two cents anyway.

I have refused to do some things that my mother wanted me to do as it was not in her best interests, She didn't like it, and I got a lot of flack but it worked out better for her in the end and she recognized that. Caregiving is a tough role. Big (((((((((hugs))))))))) to you.

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picture of the check...not the phone (silly, I was so excited to be able to positively contribute)

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Oh, oh , oh forgot about the phone in cameras now a days. Take a picture of the phone and the deposit slip?

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My mother is exactly like yours. She keeps every piece of paper that comes to her, regardless of its usefulness. She too has an apartment overrun with useless paper. She has paper going back 30 years. Take my advice - it is better to give her the deposit slips rather than argue about it. You and I wouldn't live that way, but they do. My mother is 96, and I am 61. Do you want to spend the next 10 (or more!) years fighting this battle? Not worth it.

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Jeanne, I had a teller key in the account number instead of the dollar amount, over 9 million dollars(oh happy day). Of course the error was in my favor so it was cleared up right away!. I have a NEAT scanner and scan every check and match it to the statement on line. I don't keep deposit slips, ever, but I do check they put in the right account # and the right dollar amount before I discard it.. Banks do make mistakes everyday and if you're not timely about resolving it....that is your mistake. Sorry Clarise, money is a very sensitive issue, we lost all ties with family because of a misunderstanding regarding money. I also know that it is impossible to explain mistakes to people that aren't listening. Try to sit down with Mom statement in hand and try to explain that you lost the slips but you can prove the deposits. In the future give your Mom the brightly colored envelope and take her to the bank once a month so SHE can ask the teller to make a copy and SHE can save the slip. Do it at the drive through if Mom has limited mobility. My MIL wouldn't let me convert to direct deposit and now that BIL hijacked her account I can't get the DD without opening a separate account under her name alone. Just be happy you're not POA so she can't legally hurt you.

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Not sure if you have online banking set up or what bank your mom is with, but most have check imaging upon deposit. So for instance, if you go into the branch or online banking and go through each cycle banking statement they will have the deposit amount and you will be able to click on its chk #and view the front and back image, and even print it. Again this service is available at most major institutions, so you have copies of the checks deposited at your fingertips. As far as the deposit receipts, after the close of that business day, that receipt can not be duplicated. Period. I would gather the check images first since those should be available, and then tell her the truth about the receipts plus provide her the bank statements hlighting the deposits date and match to chk date to offer her any consolation about the mishap. I worked as a bank manager for many years at 2 different banks, so i understand your pain from both sides of the coin. Good luck!

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For my work, I deposited cash and checks in person with a teller. The receipt matched my deposit slip. A few weeks later, we received a letter from the bank adjusting my deposit to LESS than the actual deposit. My boss gave it to me and told me to deal with it. I'm very detail oriented (per my boss). I file all deposits with the receipts, copies of the checks and the deposit slip stapled together. I took it to the bank, showed the teller the letter of adjustment and my backups for my deposit. I told the teller if you add up all the cash sales, it will match the receipts and the deposit slip. If you add up the checks, it will match the receipts and the deposit slip. She took it to the supervisor, came back to me and asked permission to photocopy everything- the receipts, the check stubs, the check copies and my deposit slips. On our next bank statement, they reversed the 'adjustment.'

Not only can banks make mistake, sometimes they adjust it on their end. And then inform you afterward.

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THANK YOU to those who "get" my situation- and hugs to you! Each of you touched on at least one thing that mirrors (almost exactly) what I'm dealing with and I have picked up some great tips as a result.

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This topic is too close and personal to me so I should not have commented. Sorry Clarise that I have the opinion to save the receipts and that differs from many posters here. There was no judgment of you in my post, not fully explaining it seems I have been misunderstood. My post had way more to do with my own financial pressures of what has actually happened to me, than with throwing away a receipt. I am not going to share those events here, sorry I thought it would be contributing to warn of what could happen. If I could have used the computer for my banking, I would never have been able to trace the "emptied my bank account issue" to the person for which I am rep-payee because he is a computer whiz.

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The only time I have EVER had a bank error is when I wrote a check to someone, the bank processed the wrong amount. It used to be that they would print the amount of the check you wrote in those computery looking numbers at the bottom next to your account number and check number. They processed the check for my check number instead of the amount I'd written it for, because for some reason the amount didn't print. That was like 25 or more years ago though!

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Word of advise. Please Do everything your mother asks you to do. This is the last thing she has control over. She has probably been keeping all kinds of documents and making copies of documents for years. It is a trust issue. Even if she does not have dementia, she will continue to test everyone not only you. You have to be honest with her and if need be, go to the bank to get copies of the receipts she asked for from your previous bank visits- on your dime. Don't try to change her - YOU are going to have to change and adapt to her. And she will have specific requests because that is what she has done in the past. Like it or not,You now have the role of personal assistant. Make it easy on yourself. Start setting up a mini office filing system. Keep the receipts, make copies of everything she asks (purchase an inexpensive ink jet printer for her home) including the checks. Purchase a small portable file box at the local retailer and put hanging folders and file folders inside of it. Make it for year 2015. Label each tab for each bank account, bill company etc. Put it in a specific place in her house/apartment. Yes, carry a MOM ENVELOPE in your purse so you can put all her documents in it. As you are paying bills, making deposits, coping checks, put all the documents you have collected inside that box in its designated folder. When she gets her bank statement, you can pull out all the documents and she can go over everything. Label boxes for the mail to be sorted in - one for letters, one for solicitations, one for magazines, one for newspapers. Give her a boundary that she has a week to go through the junk items and then they will get tossed. Ask her the next visit if she went through everything in the box. Then follow through on it. Guess what??? I thought the same thing you did 8 years ago - making unlimited copies, saving all receipts, etc. when I first started doing errands for my parents. I just complied with their wishes. And then I needed a document from 6 years ago when my father died!!! Yes, I have a copy of it and was able to prove something was taken care of and was able to finalize a situation. Bottom line, take the stress off yourself by being creative with the situation. Blessings to you and your Mom

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All of you who keep your receipts because "banks make mistakes" -- have you EVER made a deposit, gotten a receipt for the amount you handed over, and then had some other number show up on your statement? I mean EVER? The teller keys in the amount, the receipt reflects the amount he keyed in. If it is wrong that is the time to straighten it out. If your receipt says $40 and three weeks later you claim that you really deposited $400, good luck to you, my friend. As a system person I would REALLY like to know if your bank has ever shown a deposit amount that didn't match your receipt. Ever. Really. Yes, banks make mistakes, but that particular mistake in a computer system would shock me. I'd probably start keeping my money under my mattress.

If you deposit money in a machine the receipt will show the amount you claim to be depositing. But I know from experience that you may get a correction letter from the bank saying your account was credited $49.38 based on your input, but they found the deposit to be $49.83, and they are crediting the difference to your account.

Keep all the paper you want. No problem by me. But, please, stop being so judgmental about someone who has a different attitude and different behavior patterns. Clarise asked for advice on how to get out of a jam she got herself into. She didn't need her motives or her competence questioned.

Early in his dementia my husband went through a very paranoid period, especially about money. One day I have him the full bank statement and asked if he wanted me to go over it with him. No, he could do it himself. And he did -- with the papers upside down!

If you are dealing with someone not fully able to reason, you often have to come up with ways to satisfy them, even if they aren't efficient for you. Come here and vent!

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My Mom gets on not having money. She even tells people. I keep telling her she has money and its used to pay bills on the house she still owns. I cash her small pension check to cover perscriptions and other needs. Have told her if she is invited out, will give her money out of her pension. We will go thru this again and again. I too make sure the deposit hits my statement then I shred it. Suggest this to ur Mom. Save the receipt and let her match it to her statement and then throw out.

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Gosh, Clarise, there sure are some judgmental comments on here! This is a place we come for solace and advice and to get ripped apart is awful and I'm sorry that some folks can't seem to move into the 21st century. Yes, back in the old day it made sense to keep everything to CYA, but when it's readily available electronically and becomes a fire hazard, it's time to do things differently. Do you have a laptop or anything where you can take it to her and show her the deposits in online banking? What about just printing out a statement or transaction history with the receipts on them? Yes, you'll have to fess up that you accidentally threw them out, but what is she going to do, fire you? If she needs help, it's you, and there's no on else to do it. It's good of you to do it (you're not legally obligated) and she will have to take what she can get unless she'll willing to pay someone else.

Is it just about the paper, or does she think you didn't make the deposits (obviously if you hadn't her checks would have bounced)? I had this argument when I moved my mom in with me…she had tax returns, utility bills and bank statements going back 30 years. I told her if she wanted to keep them, she would have to rent a storage unit and hire someone else to take them there, along with her old training manuals from the early 1980's when she worked (the industry ceases to exist as she knew it then). The statute of limitations on a tax return is 7 years, and she hasn't worked or had taxable income in 10. We simply don't have room for that kind of tinder. I don't see the need in turning yourself inside out to appease her anxiety…that may sound cruel to some, but perhaps they don't understand the anxiety we feel being surrounded by mountains of useless (and I DO mean USELESS) junk and paper. Can you imagine having to go through all that stuff when she's gone to find something important? Also, if it's not the papers, it's the tupperware or ice cube trays or paper plate holders or seventeen shampoo bottles with 1 oz left in them. If we weren't here and they had to move to AL and had no other home, where do they think all that stuff would go? I feel for you…good luck!

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Clarise--
I thought my 85 yo mom was the last person on earth who actually balanced their checkbooks to the penny every month. I have used online banking for ages...BUT, I respect my mom's desire to have written proof of whatever financial exchanges have transpired. I do keep deposit slips until I see on the computer that the deposit, or payment, whatever, has truly transpired and then I shred them. Mom keeps everything, as is her right. It's HER money, and we all respect that. whatever our particular feelings about paper clutter may be. She grew up in a time when you didn't trust banks and she never got over it. She does not have anything but her SS payments and ever penny of that needs to be accounted for. Also, with dementia, she may likely be feeling a little minimized and disregarding her wishes may make her feel less in control. I feel your angst at having a lot of paper "junk" around, but that is how my mom was raised, she has bank statements and tax returns going back 40+ years. It's a quirk and certainly not the worst thing she could be doing. Annoying? For sure, but not worth the stress. Do what you can to keep her "happy"...and hang in there. She can't have that many bank transactions if she's living in AL? Good luck!

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WOW cattgoodness - it is obvious to me that you haven't walked this caregiver path with a parent that is still doing things as if it were still 1940. Also obvious you don't proof read what you type. There is absolutely no need for anyone to keep paper copies when the records are available on the computer. Please step into this century. This "do the job right or don't do it at all" is BS. She is doing the job right and the mom should be grateful-not adding to the daughter's stress. No one in this day and age needs to continue killing valuable resources (trees) so you have a piece of paper. Computer records can be saved. If the mom can't or won't use the computer then she needs to bow to the more knowledgeable people to take care of it. Enjoy the time she has left, knit some booties, play bingo or whatever it is old people do to pass the time. Clarise - tell mom that the times have changed and everything is now computerized. If you are not POA then you need to be. Take all the paper records she has and scan them into computer and then shred the paper. They are no longer necessary. Once I put my foot down with my mom about this, she backed off.

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Guess the only thing to do is admit to the crime. I only keep deposit slips till I have reconciled the statement for that month. I also run a business so have to keep everything to reconcile at tax time. Hate it but do keep on top of bills. When hubby was doing it the accountant almost had a nervous breakdown each year. now she has a big firm and one of her many associates takes care of things and she just checks the final results. I apologised for missing some paper one year and the associate said I was far better than most of the clients.
So just make it right and agree with Mom on the system she wants used.

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Clarise1: The same should apply for credit transactions-easy, said and done! Her bank will be able to pull up the records.

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Clarise1: Contact her bank. They should be able to recover the debit transactions.

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Your mom has more commons sence then you don't do do a job right then don't do it legally you are at major fault and by the way it will cost nothing for you t
O get a paper statement sent to your home in large print just as longe as the bank knows it for a senior with bad vision then you can sit down with her and place it in aabinder and leave it where you cand keepit safe oh sorry you dont like paper money is paper that ck of ypur moms is paper and yes her junk mail is paper too and it seems pretty sad most older foke like me l9ok forward to that junk mail as no one has time to write but them and oh yes the banks you see to be an only child i say this becouse my brothers and sisters would have a fit if i did not do a simple thing like your mom asked of you

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This is easy: all you do is return to the bank where you deposited the check and simply ask for either a receipt or a statement proving the check was deposited. Which bank records being kept in the computer system pretty far back, you going to get a statement as far back as possible and even have all of the past deposits all the way up to the current one highlighted in that statement.

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I went through this (very briefly) with my mom. Sounds more like she wants to be sure you're actually making the deposits? My mom was fiercely independent and a bit controlling, so the thought of losing control over her personal life & finances scared her. I totally get that. It would me too. Would your mom's monthly bank statement suffice? It should show all transactions.

Mom wanted me to run her to the bank every other day to make deposits and withdraw cash to give to me to run errands for her. She didn't believe in ATMs. I don't know how quickly your mom moves about, but my mom was slow as molasses in winter so any trip with her took 2x longer :) I just didn't have the patience for that on top of everything else. I was caring for her at home. It was a 24 hr job, so every task had to be done quickly & efficiently. I told her I needed an ATM card to make deposits for her and took her to the bank to get one. When I used the ATM to make deposits for her, I selected the 'receipt with copy of check image' option. Don't know if that's an option where you are - but it's nice. A scanned image of the check is on the receipt.

I think mom liked the junk mail addressed to her because she was losing responsibilities and it gave her something that was 'hers' - a feeling of worth? I can understand that. She had a small stack in her room and every now and then, I would pull a few from the bottom of the stack to throw out. She never noticed.

Caregiving is difficult. I tried to take her psychological needs in consideration and find methods that worked for both of us. Don't beat yourself up. Believe me; when she lies there dying - check receipts will no longer matter.

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Clarise1 - When my 81 year old mom started forgetting stuff (like to take medicine, go to dr. appts, etc.) and started keeping everything and buying duplicates of everything that comes in a can, we (two siblings and myself) sat her down and said living alone is no longer an option. None of us lives in same town so we can't take care of her there. She was given a choice- go to Assisted Living or live with one of us. She refused to pay the cost of live in help so she agreed to sell her home. She lasted 6 months with my brother b-4 his wife said she goes or I go! So now she is with me in my house almost 2 years now. I changed all her banking to electronic so I don't have to deal with deposits. Two years ago, I could see the writing on the wall so had her attorney create Living Trust of which I am Trustee. I took away her check book, and changed any bill she received to paperless with my email address. She can't remember what she had for dinner last night, so there is no way she can handle money anymore. If she says I want it done this way, I just tell her no, I am doing it my way because it is easier and there is less paper to file-plus I work 40 hours a week. I get on the bank site daily to check for any unauthorized activity and will gladly show her online (have never seen any discrepancies). I had to put up with her asking me almost daily "Do I have any money?" until I told her she needed to accept the fact that she DOES has money and I am taking care of EVERYTHING financial, medical etc and to ask me for anything she needs/wants and I will get it for her. I put a folded $100 dollar bill in her wallet and $20 in ones and $5 bills so she sees money when she opens the wallet. I took away her car keys because she got lost once when she was following me home in her car so she is no longer allowed out unless she walks. That won't happen because she hates to exercise. I take her to the grocery store with me and out somewhere (movie, dinner, casino) weekly. I also bring my granddaughter (5 yrs old) along if movie is age appropriate). My children have standing open invitation to dinner any nite so they visit nearly every week. She sees them more now than she did when she lived alone. She grumbles every now & then but all I have to do is tell her she is free to move to a home any time but she can never live alone again because she cannot take care of herself and she sold her home. She raised me to be outspoken so I don't hold back just because she is old. I love her to pieces and will do anything I can to make her life easier/better - except let her live alone.

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Clarise, First of all - you can't change what has happened - so just make it right, easy enough to do. First I would either fess up to Mom and tell her you tossed the receipts or if that will cause too much conflict tell her you misplaced them and can't find. If she is et up for online banking - you can show her the deposits on computer, if she is not then do it. Then from now on either keep the damn receipts - which I don't either as soon as I verify the deposit is in my account online - or see if you can have whomever is giving her the checks to do a direct deposit. The last thing a caregiver needs is to beat themselves up for something already done or to have others do it to them. Just realize it created a problem and correct it the best you can.

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Well first of all, don't beat yourself up over it! Harsh judgements serve no purpose, and guilt just destroys. Move on :) Just tell mom that you must have lost them. . .and come up with a plan for the future. Keep a bright colored envelope in your purse, just for Mom's Papers?
I keep NO bank deposit slips; everything is online,and can be printed off if necessary. Can you get set up with online banking? Direct deposits, and online copies of all checks? Could you get someone at the bank to explain it to Mom?

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Did you check with the bank? We had to do this one time and paid $5 for three or six month’s worth of banking information. I know the bank can go back but I'm not sure how far back. You may need mom with you if your name is not on account. Are you all signed up for online banking?

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Just to clarify I am Mums POA and just for one year I have 14 arch lever files full to capacity of paperwork - statements, receipts, quotes, appointment, taxation, pensions, banking, guarantees for items bought, government paperwork, local council paperwork, paperwork relating to the property, Solicitors paperwork, medical paperwork, it is a lot to stay on top of but a good filing system helps - I do the paperwork once a week just so it doesn't drown me

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Mom is asking for bank receipts that I don't have. What do I do?

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