I'm struggling over "final disposition" and would appreciate any advice/perspective from people who have been there.
My mom is 81 and lives in a NH with moderate to sever Alzheimer's. When things weren't as bad, I made her final arrangements. I decided on cremation because mom had told me "don't put money in the ground, Christine." When she was relatively well, she expressed a desire to be cremated simply because it's cheapest. She was very pragmatic, and knows she "won't be there anyway." That made sense to me. Fast forward. It's been a year since I made those arrangements. My mom was in the hospital around Thanksgiving and it looked like the end was near. Suddenly, I didn't want to cremate her, as if that would somehow be disrespectful, or not giving her the send-off she deserves. (As irrational as I know that is.) Well, she bounced back and I'm not sure how to proceed. Burial is a lot more expensive than cremation and caskets are super expensive. It would be a stretch for me to afford that, while cremation is do-able. I don't know my own mind/heart anymore and I almost feel paralyzed, as if I hadn't planned at all. Maybe the emotion of knowing my mom may be dying sooner rather than later is getting to me. But do I let that change our plan? My head is spinning. Please advise.
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When my husband died of dementia four years ago I followed his wishes to donate his brain for dementia research and then cremate the body. I held a nice memorial service at the funeral home and had a reception afterward in my home. He would have been pleased.
My mother died a few months ago. We all knew her wish to be cremated and that is what we did. The funeral director sold us 7 small urns and mixed Mother's ashes with Dad's and filled the urns for the 7 of us kids. A nice memorial. We held a celebration of her life in a very nice park pavilion. A short service and then a grand lunch and visiting with out-of-town relatives. Instead of flowers we used potted plants that we then donated to her nursing home. Mother would have approved!
As far as I'm concerned, the "send off" is the gathering of friends and family to think about the deceased and to commemorate her life. It doesn't have anything to do with the disposition of the body.
The deciding factor here is that your mother specified what she wanted and you agreed to arrange that. I don't think a child or spouse needs to go against their own beliefs to honor the parent, but if they cannot bring themselves to carry out the loved one's wishes they should be upfront about that when asked, so the loved one can find someone else to carry out his or her wishes.
Have other people in your family been cremated? Have you attended memorial services/celebrations for persons who were cremated? If the whole experience is new to you, that may be part of your paralysis. Give yourself a little time to get used to the idea.
So, I would cremate her but still have a send off for her.
Your mother was smart and kind, to have shared her final wishes with you. It sounds like cremation suits your mother's values. It is also the option that is less financially damaging to you. That goes a long way.
If you feel called to integrate something more traditional into mom's passing, investigate an option like OldBob described. It satisfies the "viewing/final respects" meme; and it concludes in the practical manner that aligns with your mother's wishes.
BTW, when the time comes, there will be people near and far who'll think you did the wrong thing. No matter what you do. That judgment comes part and parcel with the role of primary caregiver and closest relative. We front-line old-age managers do not have luxury of distance, delusion, and knowing only selective parts of the truth.
You are caring and you have a big heart. The important work is now -- and you are a wonderful companion for your mother. Your kindness will be her last memory. And you can always be proud of that.
As for what takes place when mom is no longer alive, forge on with whatever you think is appropriate.
Of course, if you go the other way, it's your decision.
I think it's perfectly fine to have any kind of service, gathering, tribute, formal, informal, etc., that the person wants if it can be afforded. (Some people don't want one of any kind.) Many services don't have to cost a thing, as they can be held at their church, home, or park.
There is no need for a casket either to show respect or say farewell. You can have nice photographs, mementos, art work, music, etc. honoring the deceased. Someone can speak or just play music and talk about their experiences and love.
I don't know your situation, but with seniors who have not been in contact with their friends in many years, many friends have passed away, and they no longer have social circles, then, there are hardly anyone at their funerals. Most people can't get off work for funerals of anyone, but family members, so, I'd take that into consideration too.
Since I probably speak more candidly with the people on this forum than so of the people I see every day, I want you to know that a couple of days ago, I purchased my mother's cremation urn. I had picked it out months ago, but never made the purchase. It will take a better part of a week to arrive, so, better now than later when I might be pressed for time.
I realize that what I really want for my mother is a send-off that is a show of love and of how she touched and helped people during her life. I realize that, casket or urn, I can't bring her friends back from the dead, and I can't make the people who haven't seen her in two years feel a sense of urgency to re-connect. I also can't force her siblings, nieces, and nephews, whom she hasn't seen in years, to *want to come from out of state to pay their respects. So who does that leave attending her wake? Me, my husband and an appearance by some of his siblings. A few people from work (if I tell them; I haven't worked there very long), the few friends I have left after being essentially out of commission so I could dedicate all my free time to my mom, my sister who hasn't seen my mother in years, and whomever wants to accompany her from out of state, a few people from church who'll come to be nice, but who really aren't invested.... It's sad, really.
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