I'm struggling over "final disposition" and would appreciate any advice/perspective from people who have been there.
My mom is 81 and lives in a NH with moderate to sever Alzheimer's. When things weren't as bad, I made her final arrangements. I decided on cremation because mom had told me "don't put money in the ground, Christine." When she was relatively well, she expressed a desire to be cremated simply because it's cheapest. She was very pragmatic, and knows she "won't be there anyway." That made sense to me. Fast forward. It's been a year since I made those arrangements. My mom was in the hospital around Thanksgiving and it looked like the end was near. Suddenly, I didn't want to cremate her, as if that would somehow be disrespectful, or not giving her the send-off she deserves. (As irrational as I know that is.) Well, she bounced back and I'm not sure how to proceed. Burial is a lot more expensive than cremation and caskets are super expensive. It would be a stretch for me to afford that, while cremation is do-able. I don't know my own mind/heart anymore and I almost feel paralyzed, as if I hadn't planned at all. Maybe the emotion of knowing my mom may be dying sooner rather than later is getting to me. But do I let that change our plan? My head is spinning. Please advise.
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jeannegibbs, thank you for the insight. I will look up ideas for a memorial. Grandma, what a good idea! I can pick a date that is meaningful. Old Bob, I had no idea there were package deals. MaryKathleen, thank you for your comments. I was going to say the same think to Luv2Travel; I purchased a full-size grave for my mother's cremains.
I guess I will have to let time tell about the rest, and not feel too sad if her memorial is not well-attended. During my mother's life, she was a friend and a help to so many people, but unfortunately those people moved, or died, either way, they are not part of my mother's life now. I've got to find a way to pay tribute to a woman who meant so much to so many. She attended a church, but during her illness, they didn't keep up with her, so that makes me question whether they cared about her at all. The church is not close to my home and although I attended there as a kid, I feel no connection there at all. So that's not an option for a memorial. I could either rent another church, or use the funeral home. I got in touch with the funeral pastor at mom's church some time ago, and he couldn't be less caring if he tried, so I don't see the sense in using him. Perhaps I'll let the funeral home provide a minister for me. Do a 1-day wake with soft music and perhaps a video of mom's life. Allow the minister to do a "service" at the funeral home and caravan to the cemetery the next day with the funeral home person saying a few words before mom is committed, and that's that. Just thinking out loud. Thanks for indulging me.
I have made it clear to my family that NO funeral is to be had for me. I wish to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the spring across the bluebonnets near where my dads family lived. No urns either. Just a simple can. Why waste money when it is needed for other things. I left instructions for them to have an old fashioned Irish wake. Laugh, eat, share memories but no tears and no sadness.
Do as your mom wished. She had her reasons.
I went to a cemetery last week to take some pictures for my friend's wife. They had beautiful gardens for cremains (cremated remains). The plots were small and sweet little what I would call headstones. They also had rose gardens where for free you could scatter the cremains, if you wanted a plaque it was $400.00. The cemetery in my town has the same arrangement but they charge $350.00 to be scattered, with additional dollars to put name on an obelisk.
I wish I could post pictures of the cemetery. It is Montecito Memorial Park, in Colton CA. When he is "laid to rest" there, you couldn't ask for a more restful beautiful place.
I am only saying these things to let Luv2Travel and Christine73 know that just because a person is cremated doesn't mean they won't have a meaningful memorial service and burial.
My mother wanted to be scattered in the forest. No headstone or anything. We honored her wishes. My dad was buried without embalming in a cemetery. For my parents and niece, we had service at church then graveside service for later.
At 82 I have been involved or attended more funerals than I would have liked. One year in 6 weeks I went to 19 funerals. All were meaningful to those attending, most were memorial services with person being cremated.
I hope this helps you in your decisions.
And as OldBob pointed out, it doesn't have to be a choice between a viewing and cremation, if there are those who would feel comforted seeing her then arrangements can be made to view the body before cremation takes place.
Your mother was smart and kind, to have shared her final wishes with you. It sounds like cremation suits your mother's values. It is also the option that is less financially damaging to you. That goes a long way.
If you feel called to integrate something more traditional into mom's passing, investigate an option like OldBob described. It satisfies the "viewing/final respects" meme; and it concludes in the practical manner that aligns with your mother's wishes.
BTW, when the time comes, there will be people near and far who'll think you did the wrong thing. No matter what you do. That judgment comes part and parcel with the role of primary caregiver and closest relative. We front-line old-age managers do not have luxury of distance, delusion, and knowing only selective parts of the truth.
You are caring and you have a big heart. The important work is now -- and you are a wonderful companion for your mother. Your kindness will be her last memory. And you can always be proud of that.
As for what takes place when mom is no longer alive, forge on with whatever you think is appropriate.
Our family is satisfied with that...we lived our early and middle lives in another state...No on would come to the cemetery anyway..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Cremate her but then follow your heart and have a service and a celebration of her life. You can invite friends and family just as a funeral would bring people together this will as well.
This also gives you time to plan and gives far away family to make arrangements to attend. Pick a day that might have been meaningful to your Mom, an anniversary, a birthday, Mothers day, what ever that day might be and have it then.
Since I probably speak more candidly with the people on this forum than so of the people I see every day, I want you to know that a couple of days ago, I purchased my mother's cremation urn. I had picked it out months ago, but never made the purchase. It will take a better part of a week to arrive, so, better now than later when I might be pressed for time.
I realize that what I really want for my mother is a send-off that is a show of love and of how she touched and helped people during her life. I realize that, casket or urn, I can't bring her friends back from the dead, and I can't make the people who haven't seen her in two years feel a sense of urgency to re-connect. I also can't force her siblings, nieces, and nephews, whom she hasn't seen in years, to *want to come from out of state to pay their respects. So who does that leave attending her wake? Me, my husband and an appearance by some of his siblings. A few people from work (if I tell them; I haven't worked there very long), the few friends I have left after being essentially out of commission so I could dedicate all my free time to my mom, my sister who hasn't seen my mother in years, and whomever wants to accompany her from out of state, a few people from church who'll come to be nice, but who really aren't invested.... It's sad, really.
So, I would cremate her but still have a send off for her.
My father was cremated about 20 years ago. I asked one of my cousins (a good speaker and storyteller), Roy, if he would be willing to represent that branch of the family and say a few words about his uncle. He had never been to a memorial service. The funerals in his church tended to not even have eulogies or much mention of the deceased. So he agreed but asked to be late in the program so he could observe how this works before he had to speak. When it was his turn he started with a few remarks he had prepared, and then he went on with some favorite (and mostly funny) memories of my dad. He had everyone in stitches! It was a very glorious celebration of Dad's life.
My mother's role in all this was to pick out the urn. She had never been to a memorial service for a cremation, either, but both she and Dad had decided to be cremated. After Dad's service she said, "I want my funeral to be just like this!" She died this year and we held the celebration at a park. Cousins from the same small town as Roy were by now very familiar with and comfortable with such services and several of them shared their memories of Mom.
Many things can be uncomfortable until you are used to them. But familiarity can breed respect.
And if the funeral is during the week day, friends of the adult children often can't take off work, so there are only a handful of family members. (Many people don't feel comfortable attending funerals and they don't force themselves to attend anymore.) So, it can end up being a very expensive investment that only a few family members attend.
Still, regardless of the money, I'd honor the deceased and do what they requested.
Of course, if you go the other way, it's your decision.
I think it's perfectly fine to have any kind of service, gathering, tribute, formal, informal, etc., that the person wants if it can be afforded. (Some people don't want one of any kind.) Many services don't have to cost a thing, as they can be held at their church, home, or park.
There is no need for a casket either to show respect or say farewell. You can have nice photographs, mementos, art work, music, etc. honoring the deceased. Someone can speak or just play music and talk about their experiences and love.
I don't know your situation, but with seniors who have not been in contact with their friends in many years, many friends have passed away, and they no longer have social circles, then, there are hardly anyone at their funerals. Most people can't get off work for funerals of anyone, but family members, so, I'd take that into consideration too.
Another part of my struggle is that I've gone to many, many wakes and funerals in the last few years. I've seen friends and family lovingly gathered around a flower-draped casket, taking a final look at their loved one, commenting on how they look, how they are dressed, and allowing that to evoke one final pleasant memory. I have wanted my mother to have the benefit of that. I can't deny that a casket commands a certain amount of reverence.
It is also very possible that what I really wanted was the show of love for my mom that I'd seen at these other wakes. Wakes of people who had a lot of friends and family. My mom's situation is different. She doesn't have many friends at all. A lot of her friends pre-deceased her. She has 2 daughters, 1 son-in-law, and no grandchildren. Although she has 10 living siblings, they all live out of state. She's only really close to 4 of them. I really can't say if they would all attend. Maybe I'm answering my own question.
I want more than anything to honor and respect my mother at the end of her life, and maybe I'm confusing things.
I remember mom telling me she didn't even want a funeral, but I think she may have only said that for my benefit. Mom is almost 40 years older than I am. When she said that, I was young (30s) and single. We have never been close to the rest of her side of the family, as mom moved away from their town young. My father's entire family (including him) is dead. I was basically alone in the world, and I believe she said that to relieve me of an obligation I would not have been able to handle emotionally at the time. She doesn't know this, but I can handle it now. Does that statement still apply? I don't know and she is unable to tell me. So that's all part of my struggle.
I'm also concerned that her being cremated may upset her sweet, small-town siblings. As crazy as that may sound. Some people need to view a body for closure, and I would be "robbing" them of that.
A year ago, to mitigate that possibility, I told each of them individually that they were welcome to come and stay at my house for as long as they wanted so they could visit my mom. None of them have taken me up on it. I was thinking a lot more clearly then and I did that so I wouldn't feel bad that they "didn't have a chance to *see my mother, or say goodbye."
Now I'm just feeling very emotional and I guess a little confused. To boot, my do-nothing sibling who hasn't seen my mother in years, was angry when I told her my mom wanted to be cremated. She said no, but I gentle reminded her that we need to respect my mother's wishes. My sister can be a bully, so I'm not looking forward to that fallout when my mother dies, but I think that's a topic for another question....
When my husband died of dementia four years ago I followed his wishes to donate his brain for dementia research and then cremate the body. I held a nice memorial service at the funeral home and had a reception afterward in my home. He would have been pleased.
My mother died a few months ago. We all knew her wish to be cremated and that is what we did. The funeral director sold us 7 small urns and mixed Mother's ashes with Dad's and filled the urns for the 7 of us kids. A nice memorial. We held a celebration of her life in a very nice park pavilion. A short service and then a grand lunch and visiting with out-of-town relatives. Instead of flowers we used potted plants that we then donated to her nursing home. Mother would have approved!
As far as I'm concerned, the "send off" is the gathering of friends and family to think about the deceased and to commemorate her life. It doesn't have anything to do with the disposition of the body.
The deciding factor here is that your mother specified what she wanted and you agreed to arrange that. I don't think a child or spouse needs to go against their own beliefs to honor the parent, but if they cannot bring themselves to carry out the loved one's wishes they should be upfront about that when asked, so the loved one can find someone else to carry out his or her wishes.
Have other people in your family been cremated? Have you attended memorial services/celebrations for persons who were cremated? If the whole experience is new to you, that may be part of your paralysis. Give yourself a little time to get used to the idea.