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My mom is 81 and lives in a NH with moderate to sever Alzheimer's. When things weren't as bad, I made her final arrangements. I decided on cremation because mom had told me "don't put money in the ground, Christine." When she was relatively well, she expressed a desire to be cremated simply because it's cheapest. She was very pragmatic, and knows she "won't be there anyway." That made sense to me. Fast forward. It's been a year since I made those arrangements. My mom was in the hospital around Thanksgiving and it looked like the end was near. Suddenly, I didn't want to cremate her, as if that would somehow be disrespectful, or not giving her the send-off she deserves. (As irrational as I know that is.) Well, she bounced back and I'm not sure how to proceed. Burial is a lot more expensive than cremation and caskets are super expensive. It would be a stretch for me to afford that, while cremation is do-able. I don't know my own mind/heart anymore and I almost feel paralyzed, as if I hadn't planned at all. Maybe the emotion of knowing my mom may be dying sooner rather than later is getting to me. But do I let that change our plan? My head is spinning. Please advise.

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We suggested mom donate her body to a medical school. She agreed. The ashes were returned to us about a year and a half later. No charge. All we paid for was a headstone. We did have a memorial service and luncheon at her church, just what she wanted.
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I think the most respectful thing you can do is follow your mother's wishes. You have the advantage of clearly knowing what those wishes are -- why would you consider anything else?

When my husband died of dementia four years ago I followed his wishes to donate his brain for dementia research and then cremate the body. I held a nice memorial service at the funeral home and had a reception afterward in my home. He would have been pleased.

My mother died a few months ago. We all knew her wish to be cremated and that is what we did. The funeral director sold us 7 small urns and mixed Mother's ashes with Dad's and filled the urns for the 7 of us kids. A nice memorial. We held a celebration of her life in a very nice park pavilion. A short service and then a grand lunch and visiting with out-of-town relatives. Instead of flowers we used potted plants that we then donated to her nursing home. Mother would have approved!

As far as I'm concerned, the "send off" is the gathering of friends and family to think about the deceased and to commemorate her life. It doesn't have anything to do with the disposition of the body.

The deciding factor here is that your mother specified what she wanted and you agreed to arrange that. I don't think a child or spouse needs to go against their own beliefs to honor the parent, but if they cannot bring themselves to carry out the loved one's wishes they should be upfront about that when asked, so the loved one can find someone else to carry out his or her wishes.

Have other people in your family been cremated? Have you attended memorial services/celebrations for persons who were cremated? If the whole experience is new to you, that may be part of your paralysis. Give yourself a little time to get used to the idea.
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I agree - the way to honor your mom is to follow her wishes, which is cremation. Don't second guess yourself, you were right the first time. My dad was cremated and my mom will be too when she passes. Luckily my parents made those arrangements while they were still of sound mind, so I didn't have to question myself about it.
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Dear Christine, I know its a struggle when making these types of decisions. Its a very emotional one. If your mom wanted cremation, I would honor that wish. For my dad, he wanted to be buried and had picked out his plot 3 years before he passed. Its very important in our culture to give a proper send off and ensure the person goes to the afterlife with enough money. I'm glad my dad picked burial because it has been important for me to have a place to see him and remember him by. He is buried near a park where children play in the background. I think that would make him happy. I like to think of having coffee as it were with his neighbors at the cemetery. I know everything is easier said than done but I know you will make the right decision for yourself, family and mom. Thinking of you.
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You heard what your mom wanted. My FIL wanted to be cremated and placed in a monument in his front yard. He even ordered the monument, and once all the pieces arrived 6 mos later, the kids got together to put the ashes in and seal up the marble. We recognize that no one will want to buy this house with Dad in the front yard, so until the time his widow decides to sell her house, this is where Dad will be planted. Then his monument will move to the family cemetery where his parents are buried. We are following his wishes "even though."
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Thank you, friends, for caring enough to answer my question. Part of my struggle is I remember in later conversations my mother kind of struggling with her decision. I remember her asking several ministers if they thought it was un-biblical to cremate. They could only tell her that the Bible was silent on this issue.

Another part of my struggle is that I've gone to many, many wakes and funerals in the last few years. I've seen friends and family lovingly gathered around a flower-draped casket, taking a final look at their loved one, commenting on how they look, how they are dressed, and allowing that to evoke one final pleasant memory. I have wanted my mother to have the benefit of that. I can't deny that a casket commands a certain amount of reverence.

It is also very possible that what I really wanted was the show of love for my mom that I'd seen at these other wakes. Wakes of people who had a lot of friends and family. My mom's situation is different. She doesn't have many friends at all. A lot of her friends pre-deceased her. She has 2 daughters, 1 son-in-law, and no grandchildren. Although she has 10 living siblings, they all live out of state. She's only really close to 4 of them. I really can't say if they would all attend. Maybe I'm answering my own question.

I want more than anything to honor and respect my mother at the end of her life, and maybe I'm confusing things.

I remember mom telling me she didn't even want a funeral, but I think she may have only said that for my benefit. Mom is almost 40 years older than I am. When she said that, I was young (30s) and single. We have never been close to the rest of her side of the family, as mom moved away from their town young. My father's entire family (including him) is dead. I was basically alone in the world, and I believe she said that to relieve me of an obligation I would not have been able to handle emotionally at the time. She doesn't know this, but I can handle it now. Does that statement still apply? I don't know and she is unable to tell me. So that's all part of my struggle.

I'm also concerned that her being cremated may upset her sweet, small-town siblings. As crazy as that may sound. Some people need to view a body for closure, and I would be "robbing" them of that.

A year ago, to mitigate that possibility, I told each of them individually that they were welcome to come and stay at my house for as long as they wanted so they could visit my mom. None of them have taken me up on it. I was thinking a lot more clearly then and I did that so I wouldn't feel bad that they "didn't have a chance to *see my mother, or say goodbye."

Now I'm just feeling very emotional and I guess a little confused. To boot, my do-nothing sibling who hasn't seen my mother in years, was angry when I told her my mom wanted to be cremated. She said no, but I gentle reminded her that we need to respect my mother's wishes. My sister can be a bully, so I'm not looking forward to that fallout when my mother dies, but I think that's a topic for another question....
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Oh, and jeannegibbs, the answer to your questions are no and no. No one else in my family has been cremated (actually, one cousin was cremated, but that was after a traditional funeral with a viewing, so I don't really count that). And I've never been to a cremation memorial service.
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It sounds like your mother made her wishes known when she was thinking clearly, and it was only later, when she may have been confused and you then changed your mind. I would trust what she said before her mental condition declined. And I wouldn't play mind games about what I think is better and that I know better than her. It was her choice. I'd like to think that my family members do what I asked them to do. If you honor your mothers's wishes, I wouldn't allow anyone to bully me about it. Are you named as her executor?

Of course, if you go the other way, it's your decision.

I think it's perfectly fine to have any kind of service, gathering, tribute, formal, informal, etc., that the person wants if it can be afforded. (Some people don't want one of any kind.) Many services don't have to cost a thing, as they can be held at their church, home, or park.

There is no need for a casket either to show respect or say farewell. You can have nice photographs, mementos, art work, music, etc. honoring the deceased. Someone can speak or just play music and talk about their experiences and love.

I don't know your situation, but with seniors who have not been in contact with their friends in many years, many friends have passed away, and they no longer have social circles, then, there are hardly anyone at their funerals. Most people can't get off work for funerals of anyone, but family members, so, I'd take that into consideration too.
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Thanks evenyone. Sunnygirl, I am executor.
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And to your point sunnygirl, one of the saddest wakes I ever attended was that of an old man who had 2 unmarried sons. They did an old-school 2 or 3 day wake and for most of that time, the only one in attendance to support them was me. I was laid off from my job, had all the time in the world, and the funeral home was at the end of my block. I think 3 people from one guy's job also dropped in. When their pastor said he would come and say a few words on Sunday after church, a crowd from the church blew in with him and were gone just as fast as soon as the pastor finished speaking.
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It is sad. My parents are at the age that many of their peers and family members from their age group are passing away. When people are in their late 70's and 80's. There aren't that many people who are still able to get out and attend a funeral. Many are sick, in nursing homes, don't drive, etc. And these seniors often don't drive at night. So, it puzzles me when I see the wake at night for seniors. Why?

And if the funeral is during the week day, friends of the adult children often can't take off work, so there are only a handful of family members. (Many people don't feel comfortable attending funerals and they don't force themselves to attend anymore.) So, it can end up being a very expensive investment that only a few family members attend.

Still, regardless of the money, I'd honor the deceased and do what they requested.
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Your mom has made her wishes known to make it easier for you. Cremation is the way to go, especially if you have seen what happens to a body after death that is not cremated.
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Christine, I think the fact that your have no experience with cremations is part of your emotional problem. That is to be expected! If you look up Memorial Service on the internet you can familiarize yourself with the concept and perhaps be more comfortable.

My father was cremated about 20 years ago. I asked one of my cousins (a good speaker and storyteller), Roy, if he would be willing to represent that branch of the family and say a few words about his uncle. He had never been to a memorial service. The funerals in his church tended to not even have eulogies or much mention of the deceased. So he agreed but asked to be late in the program so he could observe how this works before he had to speak. When it was his turn he started with a few remarks he had prepared, and then he went on with some favorite (and mostly funny) memories of my dad. He had everyone in stitches! It was a very glorious celebration of Dad's life.

My mother's role in all this was to pick out the urn. She had never been to a memorial service for a cremation, either, but both she and Dad had decided to be cremated. After Dad's service she said, "I want my funeral to be just like this!" She died this year and we held the celebration at a park. Cousins from the same small town as Roy were by now very familiar with and comfortable with such services and several of them shared their memories of Mom.

Many things can be uncomfortable until you are used to them. But familiarity can breed respect.
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One of the best funerals I've been too was for the (cremated) husband of a very active community volunteer I know. He enjoyed puttering around on his John Deere tractor entirely too much, and had the best lawn in town. He pre-planned his funeral when he was diagnosed with early onset dementia, and picked a John Deere themed urn, and finished the service with the song, "She thinks my tractor's sexy." We had plenty of hymns, scripture, and memories in the service, but when that song comes on the radio, I can't help but smile and think of him. What a way to be remembered! We did not miss his casket, and he was with us in the urn. The wife waited until he was "back" to have a memorial service at mid afternoon on a Saturday when all the friends and family could be there.
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I agree with everyone on here. She made her wishes clear and I think that is what you should do. Cremation does not mean you cannot have a wonderful service for her. When my Mom died we cremated her, at her request. But then had a lovely little service at her favorite park across from where she used to live. The minister from her church came and spoke and I forgot to say we dedicated a park bench for her at this same park. It has her name and my late brothers on it and it is a wonderful, scenic place where we can go and sit on her bench and reflect.

So, I would cremate her but still have a send off for her.
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Thanks again for all the thoughtful responses.

Since I probably speak more candidly with the people on this forum than so of the people I see every day, I want you to know that a couple of days ago, I purchased my mother's cremation urn. I had picked it out months ago, but never made the purchase. It will take a better part of a week to arrive, so, better now than later when I might be pressed for time.

I realize that what I really want for my mother is a send-off that is a show of love and of how she touched and helped people during her life. I realize that, casket or urn, I can't bring her friends back from the dead, and I can't make the people who haven't seen her in two years feel a sense of urgency to re-connect. I also can't force her siblings, nieces, and nephews, whom she hasn't seen in years, to *want to come from out of state to pay their respects. So who does that leave attending her wake? Me, my husband and an appearance by some of his siblings. A few people from work (if I tell them; I haven't worked there very long), the few friends I have left after being essentially out of commission so I could dedicate all my free time to my mom, my sister who hasn't seen my mother in years, and whomever wants to accompany her from out of state, a few people from church who'll come to be nice, but who really aren't invested.... It's sad, really.
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Follow your Moms wishes.
Cremate her but then follow your heart and have a service and a celebration of her life. You can invite friends and family just as a funeral would bring people together this will as well.
This also gives you time to plan and gives far away family to make arrangements to attend. Pick a day that might have been meaningful to your Mom, an anniversary, a birthday, Mothers day, what ever that day might be and have it then.
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For total of under $5000 we have a prepaid plan that rents a casket (Interior cloth brand new),, has a showing for one evening or afternoon, Large spray of flowers, funeral service in the funeral home chapel, conveyance to the crematorium and urn for ashes....we would pay the preacher, organist, etc. The funeral is announced to be private...the casket it wheeled into a side room after the service...Cremation alone is $1200 if one does not opt for the service..

Our family is satisfied with that...we lived our early and middle lives in another state...No on would come to the cemetery anyway..

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Dead is dead. Whether our loved one's corpse is pumped full of chemicals. Or donated to science. Or cremated. Or buried. Or any combination thereof.

Your mother was smart and kind, to have shared her final wishes with you. It sounds like cremation suits your mother's values. It is also the option that is less financially damaging to you. That goes a long way.

If you feel called to integrate something more traditional into mom's passing, investigate an option like OldBob described. It satisfies the "viewing/final respects" meme; and it concludes in the practical manner that aligns with your mother's wishes.

BTW, when the time comes, there will be people near and far who'll think you did the wrong thing. No matter what you do. That judgment comes part and parcel with the role of primary caregiver and closest relative. We front-line old-age managers do not have luxury of distance, delusion, and knowing only selective parts of the truth.

You are caring and you have a big heart. The important work is now -- and you are a wonderful companion for your mother. Your kindness will be her last memory. And you can always be proud of that.

As for what takes place when mom is no longer alive, forge on with whatever you think is appropriate.
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I have the same worries as Christine, that Mom chose cremation but didn't really mean it. She agreed about 10+ years ago when we got her and my step father to write things down. He agreed to cremation because he knew it was very expensive to be shipped and buried in the state he was born. She then also agreed to cremation and we told her that we would do the same ourselves. But, as Christine mentioned, Mom has asked ministers on many occasions if the bible says it's OK to be cremated. Then about 18 months ago she was having a really bad day and told my sister that she was going to die soon and wants to see where she will be buried! I didn't get to hear the conversation but it put me in a tailspin of doubt because I don't have any of those arrangements in place. Mom has said to us 'don't put me in the water'. She has advanced dementia and we don't feel we can really re-visit these questions with her. My husband thinks we should stick with what she agreed to 10+ years ago. I'm thinking I should purchase a plot because she never really wanted to be cremated. My sister and I don't talk. My husband and I are in charge of all Mom's care. It's a hard decision to make.
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One "good" thing about cremation all things considered, there is no rush to have a service. It can be held months (or even years) later.
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Since your mom sounds religious you should find out what her church's beliefs are concerning cremains, although there may be no objection to cremation itself many churches still ask that there be a christian service and interment in a christian cemetery.
And as OldBob pointed out, it doesn't have to be a choice between a viewing and cremation, if there are those who would feel comforted seeing her then arrangements can be made to view the body before cremation takes place.
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Luv2 and Christine, I vote to stick with what your mother wanted. As far as open caskets are concerned, many people have deteriorated so much before they die, their bodies don't look like them anyway. My friend who is in hospice now so far has gone from about 140 lbs. to maybe 85 lbs. he looks terrible.
I went to a cemetery last week to take some pictures for my friend's wife. They had beautiful gardens for cremains (cremated remains). The plots were small and sweet little what I would call headstones. They also had rose gardens where for free you could scatter the cremains, if you wanted a plaque it was $400.00. The cemetery in my town has the same arrangement but they charge $350.00 to be scattered, with additional dollars to put name on an obelisk.
I wish I could post pictures of the cemetery. It is Montecito Memorial Park, in Colton CA. When he is "laid to rest" there, you couldn't ask for a more restful beautiful place.
I am only saying these things to let Luv2Travel and Christine73 know that just because a person is cremated doesn't mean they won't have a meaningful memorial service and burial.
My mother wanted to be scattered in the forest. No headstone or anything. We honored her wishes. My dad was buried without embalming in a cemetery. For my parents and niece, we had service at church then graveside service for later.
At 82 I have been involved or attended more funerals than I would have liked. One year in 6 weeks I went to 19 funerals. All were meaningful to those attending, most were memorial services with person being cremated.
I hope this helps you in your decisions.
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MaryKathleen, thanks for all the thoughtful information. Gives me allot to think about. Won't even start on what kind of a service to have......we've been incredibly disappointed that everyone stopped visiting Mom several years ago. She's a wonderful person and it's been heartbreaking. Even with advanced dementia, she is still alert about allot of things and recognizes she never sees people. Will talk over the options you mentioned with my husband -- very helpful.
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My mom signed papers to donate her body to science and still says that is what will be. But, she didn't get the document notarized which nulls it. My brother said he wouldn't allow the donation even if all was ok with the papers. So, since I have the bank account to pay her monthly bills, I plan to pay for cremation and scatter her ashes in the mountains as she asked many years ago.
I have made it clear to my family that NO funeral is to be had for me. I wish to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the spring across the bluebonnets near where my dads family lived. No urns either. Just a simple can. Why waste money when it is needed for other things. I left instructions for them to have an old fashioned Irish wake. Laugh, eat, share memories but no tears and no sadness.
Do as your mom wished. She had her reasons.
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When my husband was young, he hung out at the Colorado River between Laughlin NV and Lake Havasu AZ. For those who don't know the area, think Party, Party, Party, He wants part of his ashes to be scattered near there. I told him I would do it and once or twice a year I will visit him and poor a bottle of beer out on him. Laugh, but true story. The rest of him will be in the cemetery where all his family is.
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Who knew there were so many kind people on this forum...?

jeannegibbs, thank you for the insight. I will look up ideas for a memorial. Grandma, what a good idea! I can pick a date that is meaningful. Old Bob, I had no idea there were package deals. MaryKathleen, thank you for your comments. I was going to say the same think to Luv2Travel; I purchased a full-size grave for my mother's cremains.

I guess I will have to let time tell about the rest, and not feel too sad if her memorial is not well-attended. During my mother's life, she was a friend and a help to so many people, but unfortunately those people moved, or died, either way, they are not part of my mother's life now. I've got to find a way to pay tribute to a woman who meant so much to so many. She attended a church, but during her illness, they didn't keep up with her, so that makes me question whether they cared about her at all. The church is not close to my home and although I attended there as a kid, I feel no connection there at all. So that's not an option for a memorial. I could either rent another church, or use the funeral home. I got in touch with the funeral pastor at mom's church some time ago, and he couldn't be less caring if he tried, so I don't see the sense in using him. Perhaps I'll let the funeral home provide a minister for me. Do a 1-day wake with soft music and perhaps a video of mom's life. Allow the minister to do a "service" at the funeral home and caravan to the cemetery the next day with the funeral home person saying a few words before mom is committed, and that's that. Just thinking out loud. Thanks for indulging me.
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Christine73, you can do a memorial for your mom by making a donation to a charity in her name. If she was/is considered a giving person, she would probably appreciate that. I lost a great friend last week and I am going to make a donation in his name to the local food bank where he volunteered right till the end. To him, it wasn't a job but a blessing to be able to help others. And I know he will be saying "Yes!! That's what counts!".
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Mthr always wanted to donate her body to science (she was a scientist herself) but was discouraged by the cost of doing so at the time, when she lived far from civilization. Now that she's in a home near me in a major metropolis, I investigated and found several places where she could to advance science, her remains would be cremated in a year, and the cremains returned to us or scattered over an ocean. Since mthr loved the ocean and science, this seemed ideal - and with no cost. She was able to sign for this at the time, and if it had not been handled before death, the family must agree to the donation. This is ideal for her and completely unexpected. Since we are far from any of her friends and family has all passed, after her send off, we will have a nice meal with others who have lost a parent.
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