Any tips on avoiding being accused of any wrongdoing?

I'm confused. You stated your mother is in a "skilled nursing facility", then state you're staying in a "guest room at the senior residence where her apt is", then mention your mother's apartment.

There's a big difference between an apartment in a senior community and a skilled nursing facility. And that would make a huge difference in any physical issues that might arise and how they should be handled.

Although I don't question the need of a daughter to be with her mother, I do wonder why it is that your sister feels you need to be there when she's on vacation. If your mother's in a SNF, there's more care there than you could possibly provide. They've have a copy of any DNR and would respond accordingly.

Honestly, with all the tension and suspicion you have toward your sister (which may be justified - I don't know), I would try to make arrangements to visit your mother at a restaurant or neutral place, or always in the company of someone else. Can your brother visit with you?

If she is in a senior living facility, visit with her in public areas where there are others around, especially staff. You might even ask staff about this beforehand and see if they'll "monitor" your visits.

It's really sad though to read of the suspicion and tension in your family.

Another thought that came to mind is, what if my sister, who is supposed to administer my mom's meds, sets me up by switching my mom's meds around in the dispenser (for the days I'm there) so when I give them to my mom I am unwittingly over- or under-dosing her? I think I will have to insist that the staff nurses give her meds and avoid that landmine altogether. Sad, but I feel I have to think like a sociopath to protect myself from one. They are always way ahead of a normal person in laying out their plans.

If she is in skilled nursing they will have all of her medical information and advanced directives on file, and they will have your sister's contact information as well. Your mother is in care, so what would be the purpose of you being there at all other than as a familiar face to visit? If your sis has been micro managing her care you don't have to have any part of that,let the professionals do their work, it will probably be a relief to them not having sis looking over their shoulder all the time.
To protect yourself don't do anything that could be controversial: don't take her off site, don't bring her food from outside without prior approval, don't try to help her with any of her ADLs. And if you are really paranoid don't visit alone in her room but stick to common areas.

GardenArtist...My mom has an apartment in a senior housing building, but after her fall she was moved from the hospital to the skilled nursing unit for rehab on her injuries, including two broken bones. So she still has the apartment, but is currently in a bed at the skilled nursing unit.

I have a crazy sister to. Don't react to anything she says or does or that goes wrong. Address only the healthcare pros. Act like nothing bothers you. You cannot controll your sister but you can controll any reactionary abuse on your part....

The staff at the skilled nursing facility should be administering her medication. Your sister nor you would have any reason to be doing that.

I would visit while others are around. The door to the nursing home room may be left open.

If your sister is so against you, why are you going to visit your mom when she is out of town? With all the things that you anticipate happening....I would imagine that they might.

My sister emailed me the other day asking a "favor" to come while she is out of town. It's possible she was trying to get it in writing (email) that she requested my help to cover while she is away, and that I refused. But I'm guessing my mom probably asked her to contact me and ask if I would come to be there with her. My sister knows I avoid her like the plague so she probably thought I would be more likely to come see my mom in her absence. I would like to see my mom and feel she may not get out of the rehab place, since she is almost 87 and quite frail. She feels she gets better care in the place if family is around to see what is going on, and that people with no family coming and going get ignored by staff for the most part. Squeaky wheel in other words. So I took the bait and I think my sister knows I'm certainly not doing it as a favor to her, but for a chance to visit my mom without her hovering over us. Indirectly I am helping my sister by giving her some peace of mind for the days she is away in that our mother doesn't feel abandoned.

Why don't you ask one of your other siblings to come with you to visit also?

2ndbest, get medicated for your paranoia or don't go at all. Sorry, but if you don't overcome the anxiety you have, it could be a rough ride.

Good idea, assandache...I may do that. pamsmegma...my "paranoia" is based on real events that have happened. So it's not like I am imagining something is going to happen, experience tells me it probably will. I can deal with the anxiety as long as I avoid possible traps. That is why I posted on here to get ideas for avoiding problems. But thanks, and maybe a little Xanax would take the edge off while I'm there, but I'm just not a pill-popper. I need to adjust my give-a-$hit meter way low!!

2ndBest: Seriously, try to avoid doing this trip and being responsible for Mom. Mom will be OK without you but I worry about your health while there and afterwards. Sounds like sticking your finger in a light socket.

Here's another thought: contact the facility and see if they have Skype capability. If they do, and you do as well, arrange to Skype with your mother at specific times, such as mid morning and evening just before bedtime, to give her some good thoughts as she falls asleep. The staff could help set things up so your mother doesn't have to deal with figuring out how to use the equipment.

Tell your sister you are not qualified to handle Moms medications. The facility should be able to do this. For an additional monthly cost they will dispense medication and write it down, and monitor when it is given and the dosage....

To me that is well worth it. If your mom is a long time resident, I am sure they will take over the medications for a whole week.... If your mom is in a facility, they have caretakers.....They will check on her. And your sister can make arrangements with the facility to make sure this is done..... Then you can check with the facility of your mom has a special diet. You can get take out and eat at the facility in her familiar grounds. If you tell the facility you are visiting, they will provide meals so you can eat with your mom at her table with the other residents.

SKILLED NURSING FACILITY. They have care takers there. Your sister should have more faith in this facility to take care of your mother. You should ask sis what is wrong with the facility that they cant take care of mom. FACILITY should be dispensing the meds; NOT HER & NOT YOU. They do it every day to most of their residents....

2nd, 1) Always do the right thing.
2) ,There is a reason you don't have the right to make medical decisions or administer meds, so Don't!
3) You are right to be paranoid, so do not go down a road that causes more paranoia. You know you can't win, or even get by without damages.

Meant to say: Building a good reputation goes a long way after doing the right thing, always. Even then, in the face of what you described, avoid situations that will damage a good reputation.

Here's my tip: stay away. ... To begin with, your nick "2nd Best" reminds me of someone with an inferiority complex. In your mind, nothing you do will ever be good enough in this sibling rivalry that started many years ago and will go on long after your mom is dead. ... I pored over your posts in an effort to be supportive, but kept thinking of that movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. I'm sorry sister, but what you're looking for is not tips or support. Only for others to validate you as the helpless victim that you're clearly not. Your sister isn't a sociopath either. Otherwise she'd have made you disappear a long time ago without flinching or a smidgen of remorse.

If you're trying to reenact the twisted, sickly feud between Jane and Blanche Hudson I don't think this is the forum.

I think you're better off that's she won't be your responsibility while your there since she's in Rehab. All you need to do is be a visitor...let the pros medicate, move, lift, feed, etc... Dont take it on yourself to do anything, except maybe call for help when it's needed for your mom. That way you give sis nothing to fight you about. Just visit and be there for your mom and be sure to give her a hug and get the heck out of there before evil sis get's back. Let the nurses know that you and sis don't get along so hopefully they can warn you if they see her coming and you're still there. Keep things handy so you can slip out the back. Sorry it's like this for you. Good of you being willing to go visit your mom for a few days though...bet it will make her smile.

Wow. I'm feeling anxiety on your behalf just reading your post! Sounds like you and your sister are locked in a losing battle. Is your name "2ndbest" because of your pecking order in the family? That makes me sad, but I'm no stranger to low self-esteem. And it sounds like your sister is ultra controlling, possibly a bully. As advised by the others, I would either back off completely, or try to change your focus and leave suspicion behind. This really should be all about your mother, and offering her some quality of life at this stage of her journey. Can you focus more on that and let the stupid drama dissipate? I know that's the hardest thing to do, but if you can be the mature one in this scenario, it will make you feel so much better. Courage.

2ndbest, As someone who has been the victim of very believable lies on the part of a close relative (the lies were a complete rewriting of what I had thought was a perfectly lovely telephone conversation between the two of us), I understand your concerns. Your "paranoia" (for lack of a better word) may be misplaced in this situation, but you have no way of knowing that for sure. It probably would be best to avoid being alone with your mom. Could you arrange to visit her in one of the common areas and bring along a trustworthy friend or relative?

Lorrie,

Girl, you're awesome.

2nd best, xanax?? Forget the xanax, take a bottle of wine! Lol . seriously tho, sounds like your family is a rough one. There's alot of good advice here. Heed it. Me ,personally, I would avoid administering meds.( Not gonna do it. ) And I actually like the Nanny Cam idea. Kudos!! I have worked around cams for decades and appreciate knowing that they are there .

To all of you that have posted helpful suggestions, thank you so much - I really do appreciate it. To Eddie, however, don't tell me what my sister is (or is not). Do you know her? FYI...sociopaths aren't necessarily killers if there are other ways to get what they want. Your minimizing my problem is not helpful, and this forum is here for us to provide help and support to eachother. So I would appreciate it if in the future you would keep your judgemental, ignorant thoughts to yourself when it comes to responding to my posts.

I, too, like the Skype idea, though how feasible it is, can't imagine the hospital dad was in having it, though I would have loved it for that time he was in there by himself; now having said that, even if your sister is POA, with especially her having just gone to this skilled nursing facility for rehab so them not really knowing her, the nurses, etc. , not necessarily the office staff who, yes, should officially know it's her and not you but with you being there and not her, may tell you things about her condition, situation that they may feel need to be handled that she's not doing, not saying, but know it happened with me with my dad when I went to be with him while son, who was taking care of him, also went on vacation and when doc tried to call and couldn't get hold of him and I was on my way, they called me - do they know how to contact you? - and said he needed to go to the hospital; I did eventually reach him and thought he would go ahead and take care of it before I got there but no, he didn't want anything to interfere with his vacation, so they said it could wait till I got there and possibly even to the next day, which is what we did but then with it being me is when I got told what all had been going on that I hadn't been informed of without being there, so, yes, I feel your concerns are quite valid; you have no idea what you might get into being there, so then what would you do? they might even need some decisions made and might possibly even expect you to make them since you'll be the one there; does your sister have actual POA but is your mom able to make decisions for herself with her not there or give you the authority; is it only POA she has or does she have actual guardianship? in either case, somebody there needs to be able - or even just do, if they expect it - to make decisions - and, yes, they should have her medical info but that doesn't always work as it should either; that's why it's good to have your own binder, if you can get your own info; the nurses on the floor at dad's hospital didn't have his complete history either; they only knew because it was a small facility and the same ones had been seeing him each time over time but they'd not felt free to talk to - yes, although I don't feel really comfortable using that word but I would say - sociopathic son about this and may be the same situation with you when you get there - are you familiar with your mom's doctor; I was and that did help but he was not on staff at this hospital, long story, is your mom's that sent her there for rehab? are you familiar with it's doctor? who's actually handling your mom's care? I wound up having a long conversation with dad's doctor while I was there regarding what had been going on only to find out there'd been a major mass of confusion for months that nobody had been dealing with that required a major decision; what if you run into something like that? who actually has the authority to make such a decision? like what if you do run into something with her rehab? would you feel free to? but also, may be a real issue with you living out of state, although with her already being in a SNF, might not be; just know I was told it was while dad was in the hospital, that he would have to be transferred to a local SNF before I could bring him back with me out of state, which is what they wanted or knew I would rather than leaving him there, but then that's not quite your situation or is it? if you're not really comfortable with her being with your sister? does she have a DNR? my dad didn't or how would you want a situation like that handled anyway; a cardiac arrest without one, they could ask you what you want anyway and if you hesitate, all could be lost, in the sense they only have so long before they would have to start anyway - that is, if they would - they didn't want to with my mom at the hospital and I'm not sure they would have anyway but would they acknowledge that if they didn't and something happened to your mom? not quite the same thing and not entirely sure what made the difference but with my mom I did stay in the same room with her but with my dad I did get my own room. And where is your brother in all this?

Well my self-entitled, over privileged, narcissitic, jealous and backstabbing sister returned and withing a week she had subjected our mother to abusive rants and threats by phone totally destroying our mother, using something from 30 years against me that she knew would make our mother snap at me...she took conversations between myself and her grown daughter embellished them to look like something else and fed them to our mother in her own version, and my mother's relatives told me to step off to stop her from going at our mother...at this point my mother has turned against both my kids and I whom have provided her with excelllent care and love...within a month they had our mother give them 16,000.00 and at this point I decided the whole sick dysfunction the mentally unstable sibling plays out, she doesn't want any part of the care she doesn't want anyone to, and it's money/asset motivated...I decided I'm not like that and once my mother started using my kids as weapon I'm done, so I walked away with no regrets...it's the same play acted out by the same sibling when our mother's partner died because she was his daughter and I'm not so she says she has a right to everything and I have no right to anything including a relationship with our mother...she had everyone turned against everyone and our mother shoved me out of her life for 5 years to calm the sibling down....thinking I should consult my lawyer just to protect myself

debdaughter...thanks for your post. To answer some of your questions, I will be staying in a guest room at the senior housing facility where my mom resides. They rent it out to family members for visits to see their resident relatives. The SNF room she is in right now is in an adjacent building, but I will make sure to give staff there my cellphone # so they can reach me if needed. I plan to spend most of my time with my mother, so I will be there with her in her room during the day. If anything happens during the night they can call me and I will be just minutes away. I don't know if my sister has POA or guardianship, but I think she is designated as my mom's healthcare advocate or whatever it's called. They are very secretive about things so I know very little. I guess they must think I would question her authority and want to be in charge? Not like I could do much when I live 800+ mi away. Anyway, where is my brother in all this you ask? My sister is in total control of our mom, so my brother, like me, is kept pretty much on the outside. We are not in her "inner circle" I guess you could say, which consists of my sister and my mom and my other brother, who is kind of in the circle, but he is not playing with a full deck, so to speak, so he is not much help. Since I live out of state I really don't know my mom's doctor(s) or any of the staff at the SNF. So I will just have to wing it. I just hope they haven't been told a lot of lies about me that cause them to treat me with suspicion. My sister is good at coming up with damaging but believable lies when she is carrying out one of her smear campaigns. I am mainly going to keep my mom company and just tend to some of her needs (that I can do) like calling a nurse for her or getting her a drink, those kinds of things. I plan to stay well away from any lifting of her, medical attention, giving pills, etc. That is where I could get blamed for something if anything goes wrong. She is not in very good shape so this may be the last time I get to see her. I feel out of touch with her because she doesn't answer her cellphone and I don't want to drive her batty by calling too often, and I get very limited info from my sister - the gatekeeper. She sends out group texts every couple of weeks, but that is all the info I get. My mom doesn't feel good enough to talk on the phone much and that is my only way to have any contact with her. So my visit will be just to provide moral support and spend time with her keeping her company until my sister returns.

2ndbest, though I hate to see you call yourself that, thank you, yes I did understand where you would be staying, I think I was just saying that dad was in the hospital and I was able to stay in a guest room there, but now that you say this SNF is on the same campus, sounds like your mom is in one of those continuum care places where if it were to be determined she could not go back to the AL they would be able to just keep her where she is, which from I understand can be good. Was just thinking that the staff, while you're there since you would be there, might be willing to contact you, rather than your sister while she's away. But somehow I'd thought you weren't going to be in your mother's room with her because of these issues, also I believe the official term for healthcare advocate is medical POA, why wondering if she is officially or only unofficially just because she's the one who's there; I know running into this with hub's aunt - and uncle - who says she has not given anyone POA but she has relatives who are taking that role, although she's saying she's trying - or getting - them out of it, but sometimes that can be difficult because seems they think the same way. You could be POA living away; I was, but, yes, it can be difficult, but, again, it seemed to be more a hospital situation, where your mom is already in a SNF, not sure exactly where you're coming from with the brother who's in the "inner circle"; I had a similar situation with dad that I ran into with his 2nd home health people with not knowing them where I knew his first ones and winging it didn't go too well with them being told lies, like you said, causing suspicion, but maybe that won't be the case with you. Has your sister been with your mom the whole time she's been in the SNF? I'm assuming she's been getting PT? I understand, it gets harder as they get less able to communicate directly; it was much better as long as I could actually talk to dad directly but that got worse after he wound up in the hospital but at least when he was in the hospital the 2nd time when I wasn't with him they would talk to me so I'm glad you're getting to go but you need to try to find out how/whether they would communicate with you - they, the facility, not your family - when you're not there. But then if you don't have any real concerns about your sister's care for your mom then maybe you shouldn't have any problem, just have a good visit with her. Hope goes well

Thank you, debdaughter...I guess it's time I explain my choice of "2ndBest" as my profile name on this site. It implies that I have low self-esteem issues, but that's not the case at all. I just used that profile name because I feel my parents definitely have favored my younger sister in most ways. So that makes me 2nd Best - to my mom and (late) dad. All my life growing up in my family I was "the smart one" and have always done well in school and have succeeded in life - married 39 years, successful business, raised 2 kids that are now married, educated and successful. I got along well with my parents and they were close to our kids through the years. I thought all those years they valued and respected us, but come to find out they named my flunky, druggy sister their executor and trustee, and kept it a secret from the rest of us siblings. They used the excuse that she was the only one of their adult children that was unmarried so she wouldn't be influenced by a spouse in dealing with their financial matters. What they failed to consider is that she is a parasitic, greedy, dishonest manipulator, but I guess they figured that is her siblings' problem to deal with, not theirs. My sister is the exact opposite of me in most every way...barely scraped by in highschool, got into college somehow, but flunked out her first semester, never married but many, many live-in relationships (with men I consider bottom-of-the-barrel), never advanced beyond entry-level employment, etc. In my opinion (and anyone's that knows both of us) I am in no way inferior to my sister, but after my dad died and the word leaked out that my sister had been put in charge of everything, I realized she was more trusted by them, even though my dad knew what a liar and thief she was. My normal brother and I were stunned that they had chosen her to be 100% in charge of everything. She knows absolutely nothing about financial matters, or anything else for that matter. So my brother and I felt she was the very worst choice our parents could have made. Add to that the fact that she has manipulated our mom into gifting her at least $40k that we know of since our dad passed away. We have a strong hunch that she also secretly conspired with our mom to get half of her $365k insurance settlement from the government. The other 3 of us siblings are not supposed to know about that, but my mom slipped and told me. Turns out she's a liar too and at her age the lies are hard to keep straight, so she sometimes forgets who she's talking to. Anyway, hope that helps to explain my choice of name on this site, and believe me - I am strictly being facetious when I refer to myself as "2ndBest".

Maybe you should reconsider going, you sound extremely paranoid. I can't see you being of much help to your mom, considering the over- the- top paranoia.

well, "2ndbest", sounds like gonna be a nightmare when mom's actually gone but I hope you can at least enjoy the visit with your mom - does she actually feel the same way your dad felt? or why do I somehow feel it was his doing, though looking at your post not really sure