Any tips on avoiding being accused of any wrongdoing?

I forgot to mention that my sister called my mom while I was there. My mom did her usual thing where she tells my sister all the activities she did without ever mentioning that I did those things with/for her. For example...she said "I walked up and down the hallways.", when in fact I pushed her in her wheelchair up and down the hallways, spending a lot of time looking at all the pics on the walls, birds in their cage, talking to people, etc. It was really a nice time we spent together and I wanted to get my mom out of her room just to perk her up a little. But that tells me that she doesn't dare rock the boat or make my sister think I am doing too good of a job of taking care of her for fear she might stir up some jealousy in my sister. My mom has done that before when talking on the phone to my sister - not acknowledging that I participated in an activity with her, as if I'm not even there. Another thing that I found telling was that when I texted my sibs and their kids in the group text after I left for the airport, mentioning that I enjoyed seeing my brother and his kids while there, my brother and my niece both responded to my text privately instead of responding to the whole group, saying that they enjoyed my visit too and thanking me for treating them to dinner. That way my sister doesn't know that they enjoyed my visit too. They all have to play that I am the enemy and if they have anything to do with me it is kept under her radar. She has all the control and everyone has to tiptoe around her to stay in our mom's good graces. Sad what has become of my family.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and supportive comments. staceyb...to answer your question - my sister doesn't live with my mom but visits her (I am told) usually in the mornings before she goes to work and returns after work for a few hours. But the reason I felt I had to let everyone know I was out was that if something happened to my mom in my absence, my siblings would say they were depending on me to be there with her and since I wasn't and didn't alert them that she was alone, my mom had something bad happen. They might claim that they would have been there if they knew she was alone (even though they probably wouldn't have). The service from staff at the center she is in is a little spotty...it can be a couple hours between stops in her room to check on her. From my observation, if she hits the call button it can be quite a while before they appear. It could be that they knew I was there with her so assumed it wasn't urgent. I don't know if they're more attentive with a family member there, or less so since they feel she is being watched by a family member. Anyway, I did send out a group text to all my sibs (including my sister) letting them know the time I left for the airport to catch my flight home last night, and how Mom was doing when I left her. That way they couldn't blame me if something happened later that night after I had already left.

Wow rainman...you really endured a lot with months of heat in your parents' apartment during menopause, no less!! I can so relate...you are a trooper for sure!!

Hugs to all of you and thanks so much for your moral support!! I appreciate all of your comments and shared experiences!

glad things went well

2ndBest, does your sister actually spent every waking moment with your Mom in her apartment. Does she live with her too? I wasn't sure why you were worried that you might need to leave a message to one of your local siblings should you have needed to leave the facility for a while or even a couple of hours? Surely the staff there take pretty good care of your Mom in the absence of family! Your sister has a very strong hook into your Mom's life, and I'm so sorry that you have been relegated to feel second best. It's all so unfair, especially when you jumped at the chance to spend those few days alone with your Mom! I'm glad you had a good visit and that everything worked out well for you! Feel good about that and don't let your sister spoil your good time!

2nd - so happy for you that your visit went well. Isn't it ironic that having nothing gi wrong, nothing bad happening constitutes a good visit?! I know what you mean about the heat - I was in the midst of menopause when my dad was failing. The hot flashes were brutal but I spent everyday for two months visiting him at the end - June and July, mind you - in their IL apartment where they had the heat on to 80+! I'd have to go home and shower after every visit and I still developed an awful heat rash that for some odd reason still acts up - three years later, when I get the least bit hot! Last week I visited my mom. She was sleeping under full bedding, comforter etc in a polar fleece jacket and the thermstat in her room was set at 76. Anyhow - glad you made it!

Well, my visit with my mom went pretty well and I'm back home - got in late last night. My mom kept me running, catering to her every whim for the past 4 days!! She is a very demanding patient, being a trained RN and very bossy. She wants everything done just so, and is always micromanaging everyone that is helping her, and really nitpicky about every little detail and critical of most of the staff. The scowling faces she made when having to wait for an aide to respond to her call, or when they were trying to move her in and out of bed, were just over the top. I had ordered her a new bedpan that was delivered the day I got there, and of course turned out to not be the exact one she wanted. But I told her to try it out and if she didn't like it we could throw it away. She ended up liking it - or at least as well as you can "like" a bedpan!! Little things...like her sheet had to be folded in half lengthwise, pillows had to be rearranged to her liking again and again. I would no sooner sit down than there would be another "need" or request to hop up and get something, move something, run down the hall and reheat something, or whatever. It was quite a workout. The worst thing about the Long Term Care facility was the HEAT!! It was probably 85° in there most of the time, meaning I was sweating almost the entire the time I was there. I really don't know how the staff is able to work and run around like they do in that hot environment. But the elderly like it warm apparently.

All in all it was a good visit and was nice seeing my family with my nasty sister not in the middle of everything for once. One of my mom's visitors was surprise to hear I was staying in a $75/nt. guest suite in the building my mom's apartment is in. She asked why I wasn't staying in my mom's apartment, and I couldn't come out and say "Because I wanted to avoid being accused of stealing things, moving things around, etc." So I just said "Uh, I don't know, it just seemed easier..." I never even entered my mom's apartment, nor had a key, so I didn't leave my sister much to work with as far as slander material. So it was a good visit and hopefully down the road I won't hear through the grapevine about any things I did wrong, failed to do, or whatever. I gave it my very best and if that isn't good enough, well next time I won't spend the $700 and 4 days of my time to come visit and take care of her.

To answer your question Babalou...yes my mom definitely is a "pot stirrer". And she will likely complain about me to my sister, any little detail she can think of that wasn't quite to her liking. Her loyalty is to my sister since she lives there in town and manages our mom's care, finances, etc. - everything. So I can expect some of that from my mom to reassure my sister that she is still #1 and there is no risk of her being dethroned by good ol' me..."2nd Best". I'm happy to be just that!!

Be sure to keep us posted on how this plays out. I hope it goes well and that you have a good visit. ;-)

I would not go anywhere near mom. Let her find some bonded help to do whatever. you may just as well being set up again.

You are not there to "serve" your mom, you are there to visit.
I'm curious, did mom tell brother about a two hour wait? Would mom complain about you to them? Is she a " pot stirrer"?

Bring cookies for them...

Thank you so much Rainmom...

Hey 2nd - good luck. I think your siblings may have done you a favor by chewing out the staff - although the staff probably deserved it - two hours?!! Anyhow - now you have the opportunity to be the hero, the good daughter. Kill the staff with kindness and they'll probably forever be in your corner no matter how this visit plays out.

Well today is the big day I leave to go visit my mom. I am a little anxious but looking forward to spending some time with her. I thought of another pitfall...when I leave her to go get something to eat or run an errand or whatever I'm thinking I should notify my siblings that I am not there with her for however long I plan to be away. That way if something should happen while I'm not there I won't be accused of not tending to her adequately. I am a little concerned also that because my brother and sister chewed out some of the staff there for taking 2 hours to respond to a call for help my mother made, that they may treat me with some hostility. Anyway, we'll see how it all goes. If anything noteworthy happens I'll post it on here. Bye bye...wish me luck!!

avenida...I find it uncanny that you have read what I have written here and conclude that I am "paranoid". What's the saying..."just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to do you harm". There's a big difference between just being paranoid for no reason, and being paranoid as a result of someone's previous hurtful behavior toward you. It's hard to make someone understand what it's like dealing with a sociopath that has never experience it firsthand. If you're ever unlucky enough to run across one in your life, only then will you get it.

A camera and a tape recorder

well, "2ndbest", sounds like gonna be a nightmare when mom's actually gone but I hope you can at least enjoy the visit with your mom - does she actually feel the same way your dad felt? or why do I somehow feel it was his doing, though looking at your post not really sure

Maybe you should reconsider going, you sound extremely paranoid. I can't see you being of much help to your mom, considering the over- the- top paranoia.

Thank you, debdaughter...I guess it's time I explain my choice of "2ndBest" as my profile name on this site. It implies that I have low self-esteem issues, but that's not the case at all. I just used that profile name because I feel my parents definitely have favored my younger sister in most ways. So that makes me 2nd Best - to my mom and (late) dad. All my life growing up in my family I was "the smart one" and have always done well in school and have succeeded in life - married 39 years, successful business, raised 2 kids that are now married, educated and successful. I got along well with my parents and they were close to our kids through the years. I thought all those years they valued and respected us, but come to find out they named my flunky, druggy sister their executor and trustee, and kept it a secret from the rest of us siblings. They used the excuse that she was the only one of their adult children that was unmarried so she wouldn't be influenced by a spouse in dealing with their financial matters. What they failed to consider is that she is a parasitic, greedy, dishonest manipulator, but I guess they figured that is her siblings' problem to deal with, not theirs. My sister is the exact opposite of me in most every way...barely scraped by in highschool, got into college somehow, but flunked out her first semester, never married but many, many live-in relationships (with men I consider bottom-of-the-barrel), never advanced beyond entry-level employment, etc. In my opinion (and anyone's that knows both of us) I am in no way inferior to my sister, but after my dad died and the word leaked out that my sister had been put in charge of everything, I realized she was more trusted by them, even though my dad knew what a liar and thief she was. My normal brother and I were stunned that they had chosen her to be 100% in charge of everything. She knows absolutely nothing about financial matters, or anything else for that matter. So my brother and I felt she was the very worst choice our parents could have made. Add to that the fact that she has manipulated our mom into gifting her at least $40k that we know of since our dad passed away. We have a strong hunch that she also secretly conspired with our mom to get half of her $365k insurance settlement from the government. The other 3 of us siblings are not supposed to know about that, but my mom slipped and told me. Turns out she's a liar too and at her age the lies are hard to keep straight, so she sometimes forgets who she's talking to. Anyway, hope that helps to explain my choice of name on this site, and believe me - I am strictly being facetious when I refer to myself as "2ndBest".

2ndbest, though I hate to see you call yourself that, thank you, yes I did understand where you would be staying, I think I was just saying that dad was in the hospital and I was able to stay in a guest room there, but now that you say this SNF is on the same campus, sounds like your mom is in one of those continuum care places where if it were to be determined she could not go back to the AL they would be able to just keep her where she is, which from I understand can be good. Was just thinking that the staff, while you're there since you would be there, might be willing to contact you, rather than your sister while she's away. But somehow I'd thought you weren't going to be in your mother's room with her because of these issues, also I believe the official term for healthcare advocate is medical POA, why wondering if she is officially or only unofficially just because she's the one who's there; I know running into this with hub's aunt - and uncle - who says she has not given anyone POA but she has relatives who are taking that role, although she's saying she's trying - or getting - them out of it, but sometimes that can be difficult because seems they think the same way. You could be POA living away; I was, but, yes, it can be difficult, but, again, it seemed to be more a hospital situation, where your mom is already in a SNF, not sure exactly where you're coming from with the brother who's in the "inner circle"; I had a similar situation with dad that I ran into with his 2nd home health people with not knowing them where I knew his first ones and winging it didn't go too well with them being told lies, like you said, causing suspicion, but maybe that won't be the case with you. Has your sister been with your mom the whole time she's been in the SNF? I'm assuming she's been getting PT? I understand, it gets harder as they get less able to communicate directly; it was much better as long as I could actually talk to dad directly but that got worse after he wound up in the hospital but at least when he was in the hospital the 2nd time when I wasn't with him they would talk to me so I'm glad you're getting to go but you need to try to find out how/whether they would communicate with you - they, the facility, not your family - when you're not there. But then if you don't have any real concerns about your sister's care for your mom then maybe you shouldn't have any problem, just have a good visit with her. Hope goes well

debdaughter...thanks for your post. To answer some of your questions, I will be staying in a guest room at the senior housing facility where my mom resides. They rent it out to family members for visits to see their resident relatives. The SNF room she is in right now is in an adjacent building, but I will make sure to give staff there my cellphone # so they can reach me if needed. I plan to spend most of my time with my mother, so I will be there with her in her room during the day. If anything happens during the night they can call me and I will be just minutes away. I don't know if my sister has POA or guardianship, but I think she is designated as my mom's healthcare advocate or whatever it's called. They are very secretive about things so I know very little. I guess they must think I would question her authority and want to be in charge? Not like I could do much when I live 800+ mi away. Anyway, where is my brother in all this you ask? My sister is in total control of our mom, so my brother, like me, is kept pretty much on the outside. We are not in her "inner circle" I guess you could say, which consists of my sister and my mom and my other brother, who is kind of in the circle, but he is not playing with a full deck, so to speak, so he is not much help. Since I live out of state I really don't know my mom's doctor(s) or any of the staff at the SNF. So I will just have to wing it. I just hope they haven't been told a lot of lies about me that cause them to treat me with suspicion. My sister is good at coming up with damaging but believable lies when she is carrying out one of her smear campaigns. I am mainly going to keep my mom company and just tend to some of her needs (that I can do) like calling a nurse for her or getting her a drink, those kinds of things. I plan to stay well away from any lifting of her, medical attention, giving pills, etc. That is where I could get blamed for something if anything goes wrong. She is not in very good shape so this may be the last time I get to see her. I feel out of touch with her because she doesn't answer her cellphone and I don't want to drive her batty by calling too often, and I get very limited info from my sister - the gatekeeper. She sends out group texts every couple of weeks, but that is all the info I get. My mom doesn't feel good enough to talk on the phone much and that is my only way to have any contact with her. So my visit will be just to provide moral support and spend time with her keeping her company until my sister returns.

Well my self-entitled, over privileged, narcissitic, jealous and backstabbing sister returned and withing a week she had subjected our mother to abusive rants and threats by phone totally destroying our mother, using something from 30 years against me that she knew would make our mother snap at me...she took conversations between myself and her grown daughter embellished them to look like something else and fed them to our mother in her own version, and my mother's relatives told me to step off to stop her from going at our mother...at this point my mother has turned against both my kids and I whom have provided her with excelllent care and love...within a month they had our mother give them 16,000.00 and at this point I decided the whole sick dysfunction the mentally unstable sibling plays out, she doesn't want any part of the care she doesn't want anyone to, and it's money/asset motivated...I decided I'm not like that and once my mother started using my kids as weapon I'm done, so I walked away with no regrets...it's the same play acted out by the same sibling when our mother's partner died because she was his daughter and I'm not so she says she has a right to everything and I have no right to anything including a relationship with our mother...she had everyone turned against everyone and our mother shoved me out of her life for 5 years to calm the sibling down....thinking I should consult my lawyer just to protect myself

I, too, like the Skype idea, though how feasible it is, can't imagine the hospital dad was in having it, though I would have loved it for that time he was in there by himself; now having said that, even if your sister is POA, with especially her having just gone to this skilled nursing facility for rehab so them not really knowing her, the nurses, etc. , not necessarily the office staff who, yes, should officially know it's her and not you but with you being there and not her, may tell you things about her condition, situation that they may feel need to be handled that she's not doing, not saying, but know it happened with me with my dad when I went to be with him while son, who was taking care of him, also went on vacation and when doc tried to call and couldn't get hold of him and I was on my way, they called me - do they know how to contact you? - and said he needed to go to the hospital; I did eventually reach him and thought he would go ahead and take care of it before I got there but no, he didn't want anything to interfere with his vacation, so they said it could wait till I got there and possibly even to the next day, which is what we did but then with it being me is when I got told what all had been going on that I hadn't been informed of without being there, so, yes, I feel your concerns are quite valid; you have no idea what you might get into being there, so then what would you do? they might even need some decisions made and might possibly even expect you to make them since you'll be the one there; does your sister have actual POA but is your mom able to make decisions for herself with her not there or give you the authority; is it only POA she has or does she have actual guardianship? in either case, somebody there needs to be able - or even just do, if they expect it - to make decisions - and, yes, they should have her medical info but that doesn't always work as it should either; that's why it's good to have your own binder, if you can get your own info; the nurses on the floor at dad's hospital didn't have his complete history either; they only knew because it was a small facility and the same ones had been seeing him each time over time but they'd not felt free to talk to - yes, although I don't feel really comfortable using that word but I would say - sociopathic son about this and may be the same situation with you when you get there - are you familiar with your mom's doctor; I was and that did help but he was not on staff at this hospital, long story, is your mom's that sent her there for rehab? are you familiar with it's doctor? who's actually handling your mom's care? I wound up having a long conversation with dad's doctor while I was there regarding what had been going on only to find out there'd been a major mass of confusion for months that nobody had been dealing with that required a major decision; what if you run into something like that? who actually has the authority to make such a decision? like what if you do run into something with her rehab? would you feel free to? but also, may be a real issue with you living out of state, although with her already being in a SNF, might not be; just know I was told it was while dad was in the hospital, that he would have to be transferred to a local SNF before I could bring him back with me out of state, which is what they wanted or knew I would rather than leaving him there, but then that's not quite your situation or is it? if you're not really comfortable with her being with your sister? does she have a DNR? my dad didn't or how would you want a situation like that handled anyway; a cardiac arrest without one, they could ask you what you want anyway and if you hesitate, all could be lost, in the sense they only have so long before they would have to start anyway - that is, if they would - they didn't want to with my mom at the hospital and I'm not sure they would have anyway but would they acknowledge that if they didn't and something happened to your mom? not quite the same thing and not entirely sure what made the difference but with my mom I did stay in the same room with her but with my dad I did get my own room. And where is your brother in all this?

To all of you that have posted helpful suggestions, thank you so much - I really do appreciate it. To Eddie, however, don't tell me what my sister is (or is not). Do you know her? FYI...sociopaths aren't necessarily killers if there are other ways to get what they want. Your minimizing my problem is not helpful, and this forum is here for us to provide help and support to eachother. So I would appreciate it if in the future you would keep your judgemental, ignorant thoughts to yourself when it comes to responding to my posts.

2nd best, xanax?? Forget the xanax, take a bottle of wine! Lol . seriously tho, sounds like your family is a rough one. There's alot of good advice here. Heed it. Me ,personally, I would avoid administering meds.( Not gonna do it. ) And I actually like the Nanny Cam idea. Kudos!! I have worked around cams for decades and appreciate knowing that they are there .

Lorrie,

Girl, you're awesome.

2ndbest, As someone who has been the victim of very believable lies on the part of a close relative (the lies were a complete rewriting of what I had thought was a perfectly lovely telephone conversation between the two of us), I understand your concerns. Your "paranoia" (for lack of a better word) may be misplaced in this situation, but you have no way of knowing that for sure. It probably would be best to avoid being alone with your mom. Could you arrange to visit her in one of the common areas and bring along a trustworthy friend or relative?

Wow. I'm feeling anxiety on your behalf just reading your post! Sounds like you and your sister are locked in a losing battle. Is your name "2ndbest" because of your pecking order in the family? That makes me sad, but I'm no stranger to low self-esteem. And it sounds like your sister is ultra controlling, possibly a bully. As advised by the others, I would either back off completely, or try to change your focus and leave suspicion behind. This really should be all about your mother, and offering her some quality of life at this stage of her journey. Can you focus more on that and let the stupid drama dissipate? I know that's the hardest thing to do, but if you can be the mature one in this scenario, it will make you feel so much better. Courage.

I think you're better off that's she won't be your responsibility while your there since she's in Rehab. All you need to do is be a visitor...let the pros medicate, move, lift, feed, etc... Dont take it on yourself to do anything, except maybe call for help when it's needed for your mom. That way you give sis nothing to fight you about. Just visit and be there for your mom and be sure to give her a hug and get the heck out of there before evil sis get's back. Let the nurses know that you and sis don't get along so hopefully they can warn you if they see her coming and you're still there. Keep things handy so you can slip out the back. Sorry it's like this for you. Good of you being willing to go visit your mom for a few days though...bet it will make her smile.

Here's my tip: stay away. ... To begin with, your nick "2nd Best" reminds me of someone with an inferiority complex. In your mind, nothing you do will ever be good enough in this sibling rivalry that started many years ago and will go on long after your mom is dead. ... I pored over your posts in an effort to be supportive, but kept thinking of that movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. I'm sorry sister, but what you're looking for is not tips or support. Only for others to validate you as the helpless victim that you're clearly not. Your sister isn't a sociopath either. Otherwise she'd have made you disappear a long time ago without flinching or a smidgen of remorse.

If you're trying to reenact the twisted, sickly feud between Jane and Blanche Hudson I don't think this is the forum.

Meant to say: Building a good reputation goes a long way after doing the right thing, always. Even then, in the face of what you described, avoid situations that will damage a good reputation.